As someone who has never wanted Motherhood... but at Christmas...

[MiddleAgeAllTheRage]

I kind of wish I'd wanted it. The magic. The excitement. The anticipation (and yes I do believe it's wonderful for children to believe in Santa Claus as I did myself). I remember phoning my cousin because my parents had "heard" hooves on the roof!!! It was so exciting. They weren't lying to me 🙄 they just wanted me to be excited.

Don't get me wrong I have never regretted my decision and I loathe the thought of being a parent. I'm too tired and I'm too anti commitment.

But I do often wonder what it's like to experience one of the main things women experience that I'll never know. The love, the worry, the whole thing. I met up with a friend recently who had a daughter unexpectedly and she's said her whole outlook on life has changed ever since. She seems calmer somehow. It's completely alien to me.

Why? How? I absolutely dote on my parents so I can only imagine it's a kind of similar love. Like everything is okay if they are okay.

Anyway it's Christmas. I'm clearly reflecting ☺️

For me it was a feeling that everything made sense, I found the love for my DC so much stronger than the love I have for my parents.
My DC are all grown up now and my absolute best thing in the world is seeing all three of them together, I feel like I’m going to burst.

Regarding Christmas every year for about 10 years I’d get really broody for about a month, occasionally I’d find myself in the baby department of a shop even though I really didn’t want another baby. Christmas is a funny old time of the year.

You are absolutely allowed to wish, to think about it, even when you're sure motherhood was not for you. I think your paragraph about your feelings toward your parents is spot-on.

Hope you have a happy Christmas 🎄

I cannot EVER imagine loving anyone more than my Mum and Dad. They're my Mum and Dad! They are my life and I'd do absolutely anything for them. I'm never not grateful. I know many people would have loved to have my folks as parents. I never take them for granted. I don't know how I'd ever cope without them. We are three best friends. We love each other, we banter each other, we tell each other to fuck off.

I'd have been a shit parent anyway. But a good one at Christmas with all the trimmings.

I love a reflective post with no simple advice required.

So I won't say anything but I will raise a quiet toast to brave women everywhere who share some of their ponderings on a road not travelled.

I have children and I sometimes ponder what my life would be like if I didn’t. How far in a career I would have got, where I would be living etc. If I hadn’t had them maybe I’d be enjoying child free Christmas stuff in a glamorous hotel in New York…..

Like you, I’m extremely happy with my choice but motherhood does influence your life in such a major way I think it’s completely normal to have those ‘what if’ moments.

There’s no denying how special it is giving your children the ‘magic’ of Christmas and seeing their wonder, but I also find it bloody hard work. I’m trying to remember to enjoy it because at the moment it feels like a stress that I want to be over (yes I’ve left a lot to the last minute).

I don't have children. It's easy to get caught up in a haze of Christmas nostalgia but, in my case, most of my childhood Christmases were something of an anti-climax; I only remember one really exciting one, when I was four.

You see threads on here where parents are in a panic about getting everything right, upset in case the Santa magic is spoiled etc. and it sounds like a hideous amount of pressure. I daresay it is all worthwhile for parents, but I don't think I could cope with it.

You sound so thoughtful & self aware & emotionally articulate, it’s not surprising you have such a lovely relationship with your parents - they seem to have done a great job

I have kids and it is the only thing for me that make Christmas feel really special as an adult. You can kind of still get a bit of that magical feeling you had as a kid by seeing it in your own kids. However it's also incredibly stressful, the run up to Christmas and the day itself, so that I don't really enjoy the day for myself if you know what I mean. I'm always a bit relieved when it's over.

I guess you'll always wonder what your life would have been like if you had made other choices. Sounds like you're happy overall and just a little bit wistful about what Christmas would be like with small children. I'm past that stage now. DD is 19 and between college, work and socializing, I don't see much of her. I miss the excitement of the visits to Santa and making cookies and doing crafts in the run up to the big day and over the holidays etc. And playing with her toys and games.

It's not all a picnic though. There are times when it's hard work. When they're babies, they don't realize it's Christmas (imagine!), so you still have to get up with them at night for feeds and nappy changes. It can be hard to have nights out with babies/toddlers/small children due to the need for babysitters, so you can't enjoy all the festive nights out you did when you were single. You have to prioritize e.g. work Christmas party or a night out with close friends. But not both. And even when you do go out, you have to go easy on the booze because hangovers and babies/toddlers really don't go together. And you're on tenterhooks in case your mobile phone rings and it's the babysitter telling you that there's a problem. The lovely outfit you bought gets covered in baby sick or poo. As they get a little older, It's lovely to see their excitement. But sometimes they're so excited they can't sleep or have meltdowns. And they're up at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning which means you're like a zombie for the rest of the day. And sometimes they get a tummy bug or chest infection over the Christmas period. Oh and sometimes they share it with all the family.

Things ramp up a bit when they start school. There are Christmas jumper days and nativity plays and afterschool activity parties and sometimes birthday parties too (because of course, kids still have birthdays in December). It can be stressful trying to juggle it all, on top of the usual Christmas preparations. Then there's the guilt if you can't get time off work to get to the nativity play or creche Santa visit.

It's expensive too. Presents and Christmas clothes and Christmas pyjamas and festive days out and festive food/snacks etc. All of these things are optional of course. But they grow up so fast and you want to give them lovely memories of Christmas.

Trying to keep up the Santa pretence can be work in itself. Making sure you hide the presents in a safe place and then wrapping them when the DC are asleep. Counting the presents to make sure each kid gets the same amount, so that nobody's put out that their sibling got more presents than they did (not me but my friend's kids). Trying to clean the house and do the big supermarket shop and make up beds with kids around is always a challenge.

Don't get me wrong. I loved the Christmases when DD was a child but it isn't all fun and magic. I thought it might be helpful for you to see the downsides.

Happy Christmas OP. Hope you have a lovely time with your parents.

Also, baking with kids is totally stressful. It probably looks blissful in those intstagram photos - Mammy and DC in matching aprons icing perfect buns and cookies. In reality, I always ended up mega stressed. DD never had the patience for recipes. While I'd be reading the recipe, she'd have gone ahead and chucked in the eggs (unbeaten!) or a load of flour/sugar (without weighing it). There were always bits of egg shell in the mix. You'd finally get the cakes/cookies in the oven and then you'd be left with a messy kitchen to clean up. At which point DD would lose interest and wander off to do something more interesting. And on one memorable occasion, the cookies expanded like mad and we ended up with one giant rectangular cookie. We had to break it up to eat it. It still tasted good but we ended up with cookie splinters/pieces instead of cute round cookies.

Merry Christmas to you all too. Dad is cooking me a lamb shank ♥️

I don't have children either, I wonder what Christmas would be like if I did. I probably wouldn't be sat here contemplating finishing the housework. I'd be off out somewhere seeing father Christmas or taking them to Lapland (I work in travel so I probably would have taken them there).

But I've had to break up a fight between my two cats this morning, fur was literally flying, so it's almost like having children.

Lol I'm going to New York in May by myself. To mark my birthday x

I’m personally not a huge Christmas person - I love it because it’s the one time of year that everyone is a little nicer, there are lots of excuses to meet up as life in the city during the year gets ridiculously busy and everyone is off for 1-2 weeks so nobody is chasing your for work and you can truly just rest (for my line of work anyway).

My DD is a tween and absolutely LOVES Christmas and makes it magical for everyone as people bend over backwards to make Christmas special for the young ones (in my family anyway). I am so sure I would have a basic Christmas if it wasn’t for her - not that I would have minded it.

I have a few friends without children and they use this season as an excuse to take out nieces and nephews and Godchildren to experience a lot of the cute magical Christmas stuff (if they are into it):

Having a child is different but also there are so many ways to parents. I can see more women being open about how they are able to balance motherhood with other commitments.

Christmas with young kids is magical but it's a bit like GCSEs though - did you listen enough, did you prepare enough, did you remember everything, have you done what's needed, will everything go OK on the day, and you won't find out until it's too late to do anything about it!

Absolutely this.

Also, OP, as someone who pondered long and hard and then did decide to have a child at the last minute, I think it’s both absolutely ok to recognise and sit with thoughts about different decisions you could have made, had you wanted different things, and also to recognise that feelings washing around at a very emotive time of year are not any real indication of anything.

Unlike your friend, parenthood hasn’t changed me. And I don’t feel it’s at all like my love for my parents (or that everything is ok if my son is ok…)

When I was a child Christmas was magical. My parents were skint, they couldn't work for mental health reasons. But Dad would go all year with holes in his coat so that they could save to buy me presents.

The best was when my wealthy, bitchy "friend" was bragging about her inline skates knowing I would never have them. She laughed in my face and said I could borrow them. On Christmas morning I opened up a parcel to find the coolest Bauer Turbo skates EVER. Mum and Dad had paid the shop a fiver a week all year so I could have them. They even paid extra for neon wheels.

Their girl wasn't missing out. Fuck you Donna 🙈

I hear you OP. I don't want kids but I sometimes wish I did. It seems such a straightforward and definite sort of thing, needing to have a child and it seems to make people so happy having a family. But I can't make myself want it!

Christmas with young kids can be both magical and stressful. Christmas with teens is elite imo. My 2 are teens now, dh was out last night and the three of us watched Christmas movies, cracked open the Christmas food and played some board games. They are really good company and have my fantastic sense of humour. No crying or fighting over who won, just laughing and having fun with each other. No stressing over gifts, they tell you what they want, you get it, if it costs too much you just say no chance. No pressure to make it magical. No getting up at the ass crack of dawn to see if Santa came. I remember being sad when they were small that one day the 'magic' would be gone but I think I like this even more.

I think it's normal at this time of year, Christmas/New Year to reflect on where you are in life and think about the maybes. It's a good think, I think to do that every now and then. It keeps you grounded and grateful.

Yeah, fuck you Donna! 😆😆

(Although I'm quite naive so in my heart of hearts I somehow believe that she remembers that moment with regret).

Good

Sone really lovely, thoughtful posts on this thread. @Taytocrisps in particular speaks a lot of truth, and much of what she writes is exactly where I find myself right now, parenting a six-year-old DD (and we only have the one; I can’t even imagine how exhausted parents of multiple DC must be feeling!).

I’ve always loved Christmas, and having DD on the lateish side (I was 37 when she came along) I have enjoyed plenty of them child-free. While experiencing Christmas anew through a child’s eyes can indeed be magical, Christmases certainly haven’t been made intrinsically ‘better’ by becoming a parent - like everything else, it’s swings and roundabouts. Yes, we’ve had a lovely school Christingle service, been on a festive train ride, baked cookies and been to see a pantomime. But I’m lying here in bed, absolutely done in, with DD only having been asleep for an hour because she’s so hyped up about Christmas - today has been relentless, and we’re only on Day Two of almost three weeks of school holidays. DP and I are both battling through the aftermath of a horrible fluey bug, helpfully brought home from school by DD, which has meant I’ve missed every single evening of adult socialising that I’d planned in the run up to Christmas. I’ve spent most of November and December planning and facilitating two separate birthday celebrations because I’m the poor sod whose child and partner both have December birthdays. And all of our parent friends are frantically running around trying to cobble together childcare because the schools don’t go back until 9th Jan and there are next to no holiday clubs running.

I still love Christmas, mostly, but boy do I miss having time to sit and reflect on things; being able to listen - properly listen - to all the beautiful Christmas music on the radio; spending Christmas Eve at the pub with friends followed by a slightly tipsy Midnight Mass; having a leisurely dinner followed by a show in London without having to rush home; thinking about what I want to eat and drink for Christmas rather than what DD might deign to eat or fretting about how to keep her fruit and veg intake at acceptable levels; being able to curl up in a cosy corner to read a Christmassy book…

Like I said, it’s not better - just different.