Have you ever 'cancelled' Christmas?

[OIDespair]

About to absolutely lose it with my two children - both late teens. Not enough space or time to detail the various ways they are demonstrating rudeness, entitlement, disrespect, laziness and selfishness. Seriously tempted to 'cancel' Christmas entirely and put it on hold until they change their attitudes. Coparenting with XH who turns a blind eye to it all, the DC are due to spend Christmas day with me but I've really reached the end of my tether.

If you've done something similar - how did it pan out?

Or - can anyone talk me down from
a great height before I take the nuclear option?

"before I take the nuclear option?"

????????

Don't cancel it, just provide the bare minimum - so a few presents and a xmas dinner. Have a rest. Don't make such a big deal of it as you ususally do.

Along the same lines - my teens are getting ‘instructions’ for Christmas - shopping, laying the table, cleaning uo, washing up type things - they don’t k ow yet

Only when I had Covid but I can relate to the temptation!

A question I always ask myself is ‘will this change the behaviour’ and the answer is usually no. Sanctions shouldn’t be borne from spite or desire to get even (I’m not suggesting you would) but to change behaviour.

I’ve been close!

in 2020 in Covid lockdown when I also had Covid my kids who were 6 and 3 opened presents that had been sent from my sister and out behind the tree. They knew they were for Christmas but went and opened them whilst I was tidying up. I just totally lost my shit, I’m guessing there was a build up to it but can’t remember but also feeling unwell, not able to go ahead with plans to travel. I took all the decorations down (except the tree)… their behaviour improved and I put some cards back up, we did Christmas.

and this morning I nearly cancelled it again, I am 37weeks pregnant, my 9yr old is on a screen ban this week after he has behaved so so horribly. Nasty, ungrateful, disrespectful etc etc. this morning I was helping him with Lego trying to find a piece he couldn’t find whilst I was also running around emptying washing machine, getting ready for hospital appt etc.. I found an almost identical piece he could use in the spares tin and I got nothing but a barrage of moaning, complaining rudeness etc…. I lost it totally, after his behaviour this week I thought we were turning a corner but seemingly not. I’ve told him his Christmas is cancelled 😬

so no, I’ve not actually cancelled Christmas ever but been super close and totally get it

I don’t think cancelling Christmas is the way to go or will get the reaction you want. However, absolutely nothing wrong with sitting the dc down and telling them how you’re feeling.

As older teens it’s perfectly reasonably to divvy up the to do list and allocate jobs.

As a family we’ll have a reset chat every so often where we talk about what’s working, and everyone’s needs - must be met - and wants - will try to meet. It’s surprisingly effective at getting everyone on board when they feel their needs and wants are being considered.

"Do you want/appreciate Christmas? If yes, these are the jobs you need to allocate amongst yourselves. They need doing on Christmas Eve. If they are not done, there will be no Christmas day."

So are you seriously going to not give him any presents on Christmas Day? I get being at the end of your tether and frustrated but this isn’t a practical threat is it? You’re never going to sit him separately on Christmas Day and not let him join in. As a teacher, I see a lot of dc who really struggle with their behaviour during the Christmas period. The ones who have Christmas used as a threat / behaviour management struggle the most.

Your 9yo has a mum who is stressed out and probably not full of patience right now, all the uncertainty and emotions of a new sibling arriving, the general Christmas excitement coming at the end of a long term at school and the tiredness that entails. No wonder his behaviour is a bit wobbly. He needs to know you’re here for him whatever. At 9 this is a totally different prospect from the ops older teens.

If they’re late teens, they can help make the magic of Christmas. Tell them you’re knackered and grumpy and not feeling it, so if they want a traditional Christmas, as opposed to a microwave ready meal while you spend the day on the sofa, then they’d better help out. Here’s the list of things to do, which will they take care of?

If they don’t care enough to help, then Christmas is cancelled by them, not by you.

Tell the children you’re thinking of cancelling Christmas because it’s clear they don’t appreciate you and ask them to see if they can spend it with your ex husband. That’ll give them a shock and hopefully motivate them to improve their behaviour. And if they do end up going you can spend it in your pants with a tub or 5 of quality street under a duvet.

Almost, I didn’t but the tree went up Christmas Eve and was down in the 27th. I feel like it this year.

I suggested a few years ago we postponed it by a year. Told the dc I couldn't think why they were complaining as we'd still have it, just next December 25th.
I was joking though.

It won't change their behaviour, they'll just be resentful.
Respect, care, responsibility etc isn't learnt from threats like this.

I came close occasionally when they were children and pushing all my buttons, but I didn't. I don't miss those days if I am honest.

All are in their twenties now and we are fine.

You had wrapped presents out in plain sight and expected a 6 and 3 year old to have the self-restraint not to open them? And then when they did this was your reaction?

I don't think this is proportionate or at all fair on your young children. They will grow up and remember these kinds of reactions from you.

Not me, but DHs ex. Their 4 children were having 24th - 27th with her for first time since babyhood. They lived with us and were a bit reluctant to go but agreed they should to please her.( ages 7, 9, 13 and 15). Great kids.....calm, well behaved, well mannered, easily pleased, bringers of joy. 3 hours after we dropped them off she cancelled Christmas and demanded we picked them up! They, and us, were thrilled!

You just have to learn to say No!
I did.
Works a treat.

Adult kids stepped up and our Christmases are great now.
No more hassle. Lovely.

There is no way I could do this, no matter how much they've wound me up. Kids are overexcited and overtired. We're overwhelmed and stressed. It's not a good mix overall and the build up is hard. BUT the actual day is always lovely and I'd want those memories forever.

“A question I always ask myself is ‘will this change the behaviour’ and the answer is usually no. “

^ This

I can well understand how you feel. I felt close to cancelling out summer holiday because of appalling behaviour from our children. However we ended up having a fab time and it was lovely quality family time. In reality cancelling Xmas is likely to lead to more bad feeling and loosing the potential for you all to have some nice time together.

would your children be open to discussing what needs to happen to make xmas enjoyable and not sad? Mine can do this sometimes and make agreements to try and get on. Usually I join in and say what I’ll do to help make things nicer together: Maybe they could plan an activity each for the family to do on Xmas day (like all play a game, or a certain drink they want to make wtc).

Ps - although I think you shouldn’t cancel xmas. I do think a lower key one might be worthwhile and certainly nothing extravagant.

Just posted on another post that the best xmas we had was when we didnt have xmas at all.
Nothing no decs tree gifts nothing no huge dinner no stress no faffing.
Never looked back its been years now and i notice with every year more and more people get stressed out.
The arguments and drama unwanted piles of gifts.
I mean is it all worth it.

3yo I get but a 6yo knows not to open Christmas presents before Christmas! Being that lax with your expectations of behaviour isn't good.

Thank you for posting this dilemma because it helps me to know I’m not alone! I’ve had the most horrendous argument with my step daughter yesterday, 18, she called me a C-word and also told me to f… off because I confronted her about the amount of time she lies in bed. her dad told her she needed to apologise she refused, my own daughter took her side , the SD is now away to her grans , my daughter is away to her dads and basically Christmas is not happening because we are all going to be in different places. I cant have my SD in the house as she has been so disrespectful I am just not putting up with that . So I don’t have any advice but hope you resolve things with your own family- sending a hug- parenting teenagers is HARD !!

I definitely appreciated the empathetic responses (empathy either for me or the Teens!). Thank you.
Harmony has been negotiated. Christmas has not been cancelled...

...yet