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How to 'deal' with this friend

11 replies

Whoopitywhoops · 22/12/2023 09:13

I've had a friend for over 10 years. We used to be really good friends but this has deteriorated somewhat over the last few years as it's all very one sided now.

Her mental health has become pretty poor and I've supported her a huge amount but I'm finding the constant negativity more and more draining.

Most of her mental health stuff is related to her really challenging job but a lot of what she puts herself through could be avoided. I've done the same job in the past so I know how tough it is but it's also what helps me see that she over analyses everything.

She will text me several times a day to say x, y and z will take her hours. I offer to go and help but she always declines. She's such a perfectionist and over analyses every bit of a task that x, y and z will take her hours and would take me a quarter of the time as I'd just get it done without the over analysis. She sometimes gets up at 4am to get stuff finished, has been known to get into work at 5.30am but all this could be avoided if she just did the tasks like everyone else instead of needing it all to be so perfect.

She moves job a lot, mainly to cover maternities but then complains she doesn't understand the new place's ways of working. It's the same job with slight tweaks for work place preferences. She can't see that she might be better off sticking at a job as at least she'd know the systems. She could get a permanent job easily in this sector.

I've tried so hard to support but it's like she's determined to make everything hard work. I'm not sure what else I can do.

OP posts:
Whoopitywhoops · 22/12/2023 09:14

I should say that my own mental health has been pretty poor so I am trying to be understanding of that but it's hard as I'm not in the best of places either.

OP posts:
GenXisthebest · 22/12/2023 09:16

I think you need to step back a bit OP. Give help if she asks for it but stop offering.

Candleabra · 22/12/2023 09:16

Is she very insecure? I can be a bit like that. It’s like I’ve been conditioned to make things difficult for myself. I don’t know why I do it. Does she have any insight into what she’s doing?
Agree it sounds exhausting for you. I would definitely step back.

Whoopitywhoops · 22/12/2023 09:18

Candleabra · 22/12/2023 09:16

Is she very insecure? I can be a bit like that. It’s like I’ve been conditioned to make things difficult for myself. I don’t know why I do it. Does she have any insight into what she’s doing?
Agree it sounds exhausting for you. I would definitely step back.

No she's not insecure at all. Far more confident than me in lots of ways. But I think the comment about being conditioned to make things harder for herself definitely rings true of her too.

OP posts:
Whoopitywhoops · 22/12/2023 09:19

One example is she often worries about money but upsized her house and moved to a more expensive area a few years ago. If she'd stayed where she was she wouldn't have these concerns.

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 22/12/2023 09:20

You’ve offered to help, but she doesn’t want it. Maybe stop responding to texts is the way forward or tell her you’ve got your own mental problems to deal with and that you will have to take a step back for your own sanity.

olderbutwiser · 22/12/2023 09:21

Tell it like it is. But definitely step back - never offer to help, only respond to her once a day, that kind of thing.

WandaWonder · 22/12/2023 09:22

Just stop, just have a break for a while

Shouldershoulder · 22/12/2023 09:25

Stop trying to help her , just reply with 'that sounds stressful' or 'I'm sure you'll get it all done' or even just an emoji.

coffeeisthebest · 22/12/2023 09:33

I would also agree that that it's probably wise to stop trying to help. I also think this is coming from insecurity, which can be masked by a confident persona, she wouldn't be checking with you if she felt solid in what she was doing. I eventually got so ground down by someone I knew who did this that I ended our friendship, she would run stuff by me all the time, I gave my opinion, and then most of the time she would disagree with me and I felt like what she really wanted was to fight with me over the minutiae of her life. It was exhausting. She basically just wanted me to say she was right all the time.

Sceptical123 · 27/03/2024 07:24

Is she a teacher by any chance?

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