Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Am I a bad person for wanting an engagement?

21 replies

Twinklytree · 21/12/2023 18:29

I always liked the idea of a big proposal and white wedding, not to be materialistic but so I got the chance to feel like a queen for the day. As I grew up I let go of that dream and decided a good relationship leading to a happy marriage was more important than the details.
I told my partner it was ok to skip an engagement and go straight to a basic registry wedding just so we could be married. (Financial difficulties at the time, we couldn’t even spare £10 for a ring).
We have begun speaking about it again this week now we have sorted finances and my partner thinks we should book a date at an office after Christmas and get on with it.
Of course I’m happy and excited but I’ve realised a part of me feels like it’s not how I actually want it to go anymore. Deep down I do still want the romantic proposal, although I’m not fussed about a big white wedding.
I feel like I’m a bad person for now wanting a proposal and a nice ring before the wedding when it was me who said I didn’t mind skipping that stage. If I tell my partner I worry he’ll panic about money again and I’ll ruin it.
I know I need to woman up and get on with it because a marriage is the best outcome but I also think I’ll feel regretful for letting that stage go.
I have no intention of bragging or posting on social media I’m not that sort of person and I actually have no friends to brag to, I just want it for my own peace and to tick it off my bucket list as an experience.
I know I’ll probably be told to grow up and engagements are old fashioned blah blah but do I ignore what I want and let my partner book a registry office or do I gently ask him for an engagement first? What did you do? Am I wrong to feel this way? Will I regret it if I don’t speak up?

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 21/12/2023 22:54

It has to be mutual,does he want to be engaged? what would happen if you proceeded straight to marriage,no engagement? I guess I’m wondering why it’s a bucket list task,are you over hyping engagement?

zurala · 21/12/2023 23:00

You've agreed to get married, that is engagement. What is it you want? A ring?

Original poster
Twinklytree · 21/12/2023 23:24

I guess I’m just being caught up in the romantic proposals I’ve witnessed and would love to experience it happen to me. It’s not so much about the ring but the moment of him asking me on one knee etc. it feels like going straight to marriage is sudden and without the build up of an engagement and planning a wedding. I know marriage is the end result regardless but it’s just one of those things I’d really enjoy, a bit like when people have travelling on their bucket list for example. I don’t feel engaged based on pointing at a venue in a magazine and googling their dates and prices, it’s underwhelming in a way. Yes I know I probably sound ungrateful and spoilt, it’s just how I feel.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
BombaySamphire · 21/12/2023 23:32

It’s not so much about the ring but the moment of him asking me on one knee
You’ve already agreed to get married Confused (How did you do this without one of you asking the other, btw?)
What sort of farce would it be to do this now?!
Engagement is the period of time between agreeing to get married and actually getting married. Not sure how you feel you’re missing out on this.
Nothing to do with the Insta worthy proposal or lack of.

whatausername · 21/12/2023 23:58

I see what you are saying but any proposal now would really be a pantomime.

Engagement just means you've agreed to get married, which you have, and it exists because it takes times to arrange a wedding, which is the weeks or months you're currently waiting for for an available spot at the registry office or other venue.
It does rather seem like the moment has been and gone.

That said if it's going to bother you a lot then just gently explain your feelings to him. As you've said it is just something for you two and what comes across in your posts is that you just want a bit of romance. A "proposal" no matter how redundant won't harm anyone, will make you happier and isn't anyone else's business. That said if you want a romantic special proposal then maybe you should do the proposing 😉

Congratulations on your engagement, regardless of what you decide!

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 22/12/2023 00:02

Could you get maybe a vintage ring or a family ring first so he doesn't have a money panic when you bring it up? Then just leave the ring with him and he can surprise you at some point.

Doesn't matter if you're already 'technically' engaged, you get one life, live it happily!

Original poster
Twinklytree · 22/12/2023 00:17

Thank you yes I just want a bit of romance as a memory for myself, I know it would be silly doing it the ‘wrong way around’ but I worry I’ll feel I missed out if we jump straight to marriage. Neither of us asked each other we just noticed a deal on our local office weddings and researched it, not romantic or special at all but practical none the less.

OP posts:
whatausername · 22/12/2023 00:52

Then go for the romance! You get one life as PP said.

WandaWonder · 22/12/2023 01:10

So you are getting married but now want a proposal, as someone mentioned now it would pantomime like you are engaged in a way now already so any proposal would be fake now,

Would that really make you happy?

JollyHostess101 · 22/12/2023 01:14

I didn’t have the whole on one knee thing but he did insist on doing down to ask my dads permission before we made it public…… 10 years on it doesn’t bother me and we laugh about it now….. that late one night he literally just said will this shut you up 🤣

burnoutbabe · 22/12/2023 08:18

You can organise something yourself.

I got engaged via a nice chat at home.

We then agreed we'd go somewhere exciting for a weekend away and announce it there. That was 5 weeks later after the discussion.

That felt like it made it an event! We had this little secret we planned together (okay i planned it all, as normal) and parents knew from the start.

At no point was anyone in one knee, it was a mutual chat but the romance was us planning this little trip together and picking up a ring for the photos (all of 28euros, I am not a ring person).

acornbaubles · 22/12/2023 08:30

You are already engaged, being engaged is agreeing to get married so you are already at that point, so firstly, congratulations.

Dh and I didn't have a proposal, it was a discussion then an agreement then we were engaged. We went out and bought a ring and then announced it to our families when I had the ring on my finger. I actually couldn't even tell you what date our "engagement" was, I know the day of the week and I could look it up but I actually like it that way.

If you are wanting a ring have a look on Etsy at Moisannite (and then look on youtube to compare moisannite to diamonds) I am wearing a 1 carat solitaire set in silver and it cost less than £100 as I bought in from India. It tests as a diamond on a diamond tester and you would be very hard pushed to notice the difference. My "wedding" ring is a £12 titanium band so my set looks expensive even though it isn't.

If it helps we had a tiny wedding and spent more on the honeymoon than the wedding. Not everyone does big flashy weddings. To us it was about a marriage, not just one day.

Original poster
Twinklytree · 22/12/2023 09:27

Thanks everyone you’ve helped to make me feel better about not having the down on one knee proposal. I agree it would feel pantomime if he did it now. Maybe if I ask to go ring shopping and get a simple one to mark the occasion I may feel more content? I don’t want to upset him and ruin the planning.

OP posts:
Thisistyresome · 22/12/2023 09:35

Sounds like you want an event to have a memory of. Perhaps having a small ring your self and a little gathering of nearest and dearest to celebrate the coming wedding would do the job?

Probably better to have a memory of those you live than one that feels like a pantomime.

Deedee37 · 22/12/2023 09:40

Technically you are engaged already but I understand why you would like a moment to mark it. Why don’t you organise something like a nice weekend / afternoon with shopping for a ring together and romantic dinner as your engagement celebration.

Daisies12 · 22/12/2023 09:42

Well you are engaged. But fine if you want a ring, why not suggest looking for one together? Even if second hand or cheap. It’s far more grown up and civilised the way you have handled it. You know most of those OTT proposals will end up divorced.

Princessfluffy · 22/12/2023 11:41

Do you really still want to marry DP?
If you really do i think this stuff probably wouldn't be bothering you.

Whiskerson · 22/12/2023 11:50

You're doing it the old fashioned way, this way. People didn't used to consider proposals and engagements as some kind of separate "queen for a day" event. It was business.

99victoria · 22/12/2023 11:57

I've been married and engaged twice - neither on them Went Down on One Knee. Thank God - I'm not a Disney princess 😂

Redkite11 · 22/12/2023 12:01

I understand your feelings. Marriage is a major life event and everyone wants to feel some romance. There are other ways you can achieve this. I had a medium sized wedding (120 people). On the day, it was the vows and the presence of close friends and family which made the day special and not the dress, cake, table decorations, etc..

If money is tight now, you could throw a nice anniversary party sometime in the future when things are better.

Does your fiancé show appreciation to you otherwise? I find it’s the little gestures which make a difference. A post-it saying “I love you” on the mirror or a cup of tea waiting for you in the morning. Is there a chance that you want a big proposal because there’s not enough romance in your relationship?

BingBongAvonCalling · 22/12/2023 13:30

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page