Feeling manipulated about Xmas day

[BlueRaspberry7]

My mum has agreed to have her sister's son (her nephew) and his partner over for Christmas lunch. Her nephew can't go his own mum (my auntie) on Xmas day as he and his sister aren't on speaking terms. Please bear with!

My mum would like my family of 4 to go to to hers for lunch to make it nicer/easier for her and a wider balance of people. Also she enjoys our company of course, and I do enjoy hers.

While I appreciate it's nice to be invited, wanted and hosted, i have stated clearly that we want to spend Christmas Day as a family for our first Xmas in our new house. This is especially important to my DH - he prefers a quiet family Xmas at home. We did spend last Xmas day with my mum.

We are going to auntie's on Boxing Day so will see everyone that side of the wider family there, including my mum and cousin there.

My mum keeps repeating how much she wishes we'd go to her on Xmas day. She asks if I can sway DH into coming as she'll be making all his favourite foods.

She told me that auntie thinks DH is being selfish by not agreeing to go round to hers. I've said I might pop over in the afternoon to see them, and now I regret saying that. It's a 35 min drive and I just want to flop for the day with kids and their presents.

Feeling a bit guilty/selfish for not agreeing to go to my mums. Am also feeling manipulated by her going on about how hard it's going to be for her to host nephew and her dad without me there to lighten things up while she cooks etc.

Am I being selfish? Is she being manipulative? Both? Neither???? Bloody Xmas

I would stand firm but I would also make it clear that it’s something you both want and it’s not fair to put the blame on your DH.

I think Christmas day at home, Boxing Day for wider family, is a very good compromise on all needs and wants.

Her choice to host her nephew/your cousin, your choice to remain at home.

Tell your mum they’re welcome to pop over to yours for a cup of tea and a mince pie if she wants, but you’re not changing your plans and you’ve been really clear about that.

Basically what’s happening here is that your mum has been manipulated by her sister (who has failed to deal with her own children’s squabbles/emotions), and is trying to manipulate you. Your aunt’s opinion is therefore not worth worrying about as she’s the one creating the unreasonable issue in the first place.

In response to her calling your DH selfish just point out that neither of you want to go to hers for Christmas Day, can’t see why he has to take the blame. Just don’t agree to go over, explain that neither of you want to go and that’s the end of that.

This!

Tell her you've made your decision. You'll spend the day at home with your family and catch up with her on boxing day.

Make sure she's aware that you're not just following your DH's wishes, but your own.
If she goes on about it, ask her why she's not listening to you.

You need to go old school Mumsnet... "No." is a complete sentence.

Once you set the ground rules and say no the first time it gets easier. Christmas day I'd just text ooops, started on the prosecco now so won't be driving and will see you boxing day.