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Don't know how to support my DH through his losses

4 replies

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 20/12/2023 13:25

DH is in his mid fifties. He has experienced so much loss in his life, I can't quite fathom it and I just don't know what to say to him any more.

He lost his dad and one of his brothers when he was a teenager (not at the same time). He has since lost his mum, two other brothers and a nephew. As a couple, we dealt with miscarriages and secondary infertility. Then one of his oldest friends was killed in a car crash a few years ago.

His younger sister - probably his closest sibling - died from cancer earlier this year, and I honestly thought it was going to break him. He subsequently lost another very close friend - same age as him - to exactly the same cancer around a month later. And then this morning, he learned that one of his closest friends of 30 years, who he lived with for years before we got married, has also died at the age of just 57.

He is very stoical about it all, and doesn't like to talk about stuff much, but I can tell that he is really struggling to make sense of it all. This seems to me a huge amount of loss for one person to have to bear. How can I support him through it effectively if he doesn't want to talk about it? Obviously, I know that just being there can sometimes be enough, but this feels too much now. I don't think he would be open to counselling or anything, but I'm not sure that just carrying on as if nothing has happened is going to help...

OP posts:
Exasperatednow · 20/12/2023 13:30

That sounds really tough. Being there can be enough, hecwould need to be ready and open to external support. I had a similar period, 9 of my relatives, included in that my Dad, died in the same year. You do just get on with it but it does change you.

From your "it feels to much", too much for whom? Would it be useful to get support for you? It might be what you need at least until he wants to access for himself.

mushroommummy · 20/12/2023 13:31

Ok wow that’s very tragic for him and his family, does he have any family left?

I’ve lost the people closest to me recently and I find it difficult to know that it’s just me now… it’s lonely and stifling all at once.

I have a wonderful DH and my kids (small) but losing parents/siblings/friends just seems very final.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 20/12/2023 13:35

Exasperatednow · 20/12/2023 13:30

That sounds really tough. Being there can be enough, hecwould need to be ready and open to external support. I had a similar period, 9 of my relatives, included in that my Dad, died in the same year. You do just get on with it but it does change you.

From your "it feels to much", too much for whom? Would it be useful to get support for you? It might be what you need at least until he wants to access for himself.

I meant too much for him...too much for anyone to cope with, really. I'm worried about him. I'm sorry for your losses by the way... that sounds awful.

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 20/12/2023 13:36

mushroommummy · 20/12/2023 13:31

Ok wow that’s very tragic for him and his family, does he have any family left?

I’ve lost the people closest to me recently and I find it difficult to know that it’s just me now… it’s lonely and stifling all at once.

I have a wonderful DH and my kids (small) but losing parents/siblings/friends just seems very final.

He has an older sister and lots of nieces and nephews still. His older sister was the oldest one of all and there is a big age gap. She is getting quite frail these days and I know he is stressing that she might go soon as well.

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