Is messaging a relationship?

[Plsdiscuss]

XH messages DD (17) at least once a week. He thinks he has a relationship with her. He sees her IRL once every 4 months or so.

XH is "in a relationship" with a woman in Jersey. They message throughout the day. They occasionally facetime. He sees her IRL about 3 times a year for 10 days.

My FWB and I message on average at least 20 times a day, every day. Watch a film virtually at least twice a week. We aren't in a relationship. We rarely chat on the phone. We enjoy meeting up around once a fortnight.

XDP and I message every few days or so. We have some very in depth chats. I wouldn't say I'm in a relationship with him.

Where do you consider chatting (aka texting) via messaging as a relationship?

I don’t, but others clearly do……… it’s clearly not a ‘relationship’ in as much as neither side sees what the person is actually like, only a cultivated version of themselves.
But some adults prefer this to the reality of a true relationship.

Many people who live a long distance away from loved ones maintain their relationship by writing / phone calls and only very recently video calls. DH certainly has a relationship with his parents who live in the US who he only visits in person two or three times a year, as do millions of other parents and children (and grandparents and aunts and uncles) in similar situations. Plenty of people - think military, diplomacy etc - with partners or spouses stationed abroad maintain their relationships like this for years, often seeing each other only briefly and occasionally. Online friendships have become commonplace over the past couple of decades, particularly for marginalised people and people who struggle for whatever reason to leave their homes or immediate communities.

I think there is a distinction to be made here between "being in a relationship" and a "relationship" - two completely different things.

Presumably he and his partner have commited to a long distance relationship, and therefore yes are in one and that is completely valid. You have a relationship to your FWB but are not in a relationship with them. You have a less involved relationship to/with your ex but are obviously not in a relationship with him. Your DD sees him in person and messages him, so yes he is correct to say they have a relationship.

In all of those examples your ex sees these people in person (however infrequently) or has done in the past so it's not the case that he has only ever messaged.

You're right about the language distinction @dontgobaconmyheart . I agree with you @Hmmmbetterchangethis about messaging always showing a cultivated side of the person. And I think there is something heartfelt in letter writing @ComtesseDeSpair . It takes time and effort. I remember some of my early letters to XH really bore my soul as you open up in them and I took time to focus on him and him knowing me. Messaging is a throw away comment in the moment.

Whilst I message my FWB extremely regularly, I know him at a surface level. That's all messaging does and can ever do IMO.

I don't see messaging as a way of sustaining closeness. It can't be. There's no nuance, no body language, no empathy, no understanding, just cold hard words which can be read the way you want them to or not.

There is absolutely no way my relationship with my DD would be maintained by only speaking to her once every 4 months for a few hours.

I would not consider messaging a relationship until you had met and had a physical relationship with someone. It seems he's a liw contact kind of man.

I agree that messaging is very cold and clinical- words on a page. How care it compare to smiling into someone's eyes?