What do you think you've done well as a parent and what not so well?

[Echobelly]

Obviously a very subjective question, but I'd be interested where people think their strong points have been as a parent and where less so?

I'm fairly far along the journey, as in I have two at secondary school. I'd say I've done well at:

• Letting my kids grow up and become independent (slightly better with oldest than DS who I need to get doing more things!)
• Being a parent my kids trust and can talk to, even in adolescence
• Letting my kids know I love them
• Raising kids who are socially aware and know how fortunate they are

Less good:

• Probably on screens to much myself, and managing screen time of DS
• Modelling gender-equitable parenting - a job for both me and DH and we wanted to do so, but I was too unassertive and he not quite aware enough until the last few years to make it more of a reality. Kids have seen DH do infinitely more domestically than I ever saw my dad do, but I am definitely the 'default parent'
• Can sometimes neglect slightly the needs of the older who seems so 'together' on the surface (but not always coping) because DS has ADHD and needs more obvious support

I've done so much wrong, however the thing that I have got right (I have 2 adult children now, as well as younger ones) is making sure that when I'm in the wrong, or I've overreacted or if they tell me they feel a certain way about something I've done I listen to them and apologise to them and acknowledge I was wrong.

Both my adult children say they have really appreciated that I've done that throughout their lives and say it's made it easy to come to me and tell me things.

What I have done well -

Instilled a sense of hard work, discipline and independence in DS

I am firm but fair and loving, we tell each other we love each other every day

Supportive and encouraging to him, he said from a young age he wanted to be a vet and I have encouraged him in this, he is in year 11 now and still wants to do this and is on track to get top GCSEs.

He can talk to me whenever he needs to and I am physically and emotionally there for him.

I'm very feminist and as a lone parent I have always worked and brought in the money as well as done everything around the house, I have modelled to DS that there's no such thing as "gender roles" in the home and expect him to pitch in with housework.

Not so well -

Picked an arsehole to be his father unfortunately, my biggest regret is not being able to give him a loving father to be a male role model to him.

Screen time, I am fairly lax about it as long as it doesn't affect his schoolwork or his attitude.

I don't have much money as a lone parent so won't have anything for him to inherit and I won't be able to financially support him through uni so he'll have to manage on the student loan.

The main thing I am proud of is that, although they are different sexes and there's quite an age gap they are really good friends. I worked hard at that! And also, even now as young adults they seem to like spending time with us.

@SausageChopsBellyFlops - the apologising thing is so important. DH's parents never apologised to him, not once. Like them he's not always great managing his temper, but unlike them he'll always apologise for being wrong or reacting too harshly.

@Echobelly I had a parent who absolutely refused to believe she ever did anything wrong, and tried to tell me how I should be feeling about things.

I absolutely never wanted to be that parent so it was so important to me to make sure my kids feelings were acknowledged and validated.

The day my adult kids and I were chatting and they said they loved that about me, and that they always felt/feel safe telling me if I've messed up because they know I'll listen is one of my proudest moments as a parent.

I wasn't even sure they especially noticed as its always been that way, but they both noticed and appreciate it.

Interesting!

Things I've done well:
-I'm very loving and always make sure my children know how loved they are. Even before I had kids I knew this would be my parenting priority.
-I'm reasonable and fair and treat them both equally.
-I listen to their thoughts and concerns.
-I praise them a lot. I encourage them and only offer constructive criticism
-I make sure their childhood is varied and full of interesting experiences. We do a lot of different things in terms of holidays, days out, activities etc.

Things I should do better:
-I'm quite soft on discipline. I rarely punish them. To be honest, they rarely need punishing! They're pretty good. I acknowledge I could and should be firmer at times though.
-I've never been too worried about screen time as long as they do homework and get fresh air and exercise. Maybe they do spend too much time on screens.
-They're quite fussy eaters and I do keep thinking I could somehow have prevented this

Not for us to answer. Ask your child when they are 49 for the true verdict!

Often people in assessing themselves are hilariously and spectacularly wrong. Remember a very intelligent friend of my parents describe herself as “bubbly”. Lovely lady but the absolute direct opposite of that!

I forgot the what I didn't do well bit. I was far too insistent on them doing things I wanted them to do rather than listening to what they wanted. I regret that a lot.

@CurlewKate - I think one of the big learnings for me has been not to project myself onto my kids too much. It's easy to think 'Oh well, I cried a lot but I wasn't unhappy, just a bit oversensitive, so it must be same with DC' but harder to realise the reasons might be different and need attention, for example.

I think so far, things I’ve done ok at:
Promoted a non competitive, loving relationship between the two of them. Never compared them. Celebrated individual “wins” as family wins. Encouraged them to try their best. Tried to calm the natural competitive edge of the eldest to make him a good winner and loser.
Hugs every day, tell them how much I enjoy their company, listen to them, apologise when I get things wrong. Encourage their hobbies but let them give up after a good try.

things I’ve done badly
feckin screen time. They were 8 and 10 during covid and screens came in to facilitate contact with friends and it’s been impossible to close that Pandora’s box. They’re generally ok but their default free time thing is now screens when it used to be books and making things. Wish I could turn the clock back on that one.

Mine are only early teens so I’ve got years to fuck up yet!

Good: helping them into grammar school, good sense of humour, chilled not got teen attitude.

Bad: restrictive - not letting be as independent as they could be, if it wasn't for my disabilities I would of liked to travel more with them and give them more cultural experiences.

@TheaBrandt the question was-what do we think we've done well.....

I honestly have no idea. Some of the stuff they’re good at (they have all been doing their own laundry for ages - my youngest is 14) came about with barely any direction from me, while there is other stuff I have been working hard at for years apparently with no effect whatsoever.
They have good qualities I can’t take any credit for and bad ones I have been battling for years.

I have no idea if we chose the right school for them, bought them enough or too much stuff, put too much pressure on them or not enough, been too critical or too soft. How come everyone else is so certain?

Yeah I kind of feel the same as @TheCountessofFitzdotterel. It's hard to say what's had any effect and what is inherent in the child. DS is a massively laid back, albeit charming, space cadet and DD is laser focused/ competitive. Same parents/ parenting, same modelling of work ethic, same praise for effort not outcomes. Also a lot of stuff that has had a positive effect (IMO) has been collateral benefit from things I've wanted to do myself so I can't really claim parenting points for that. Now I just have to cross my fingers and hope that DS meets an heiress and DD decides to use her powers for good not evil.

That's not to say that I don't think parenting matters at all. I just don't think it's at all clear what the "good" and "bad" things are, and quite possibly they vary by child, their circumstances and their peer group.

Good:

Fought like a bloody demon to ensure DS's SEND needs are recognised, diagnosed and appropriate support is in place. Families without SEND children literally have no idea how hard this is or how much time this takes....hundreds of hours of meetings, evidence gathering, form filling etc etc.

Encouraged DS to try new things and not to withdraw - swimming, climbing, after school clubs, drama etc.

Encouraged DS's special interests and given him plenty of space to explore them.

Tell him he's loved. Every. Single. Day.

Bad:

Worried - too much and too visibly. And turned DS into a worrier too.

Struggled with frustration and struggled to stay calm when his behaviour has been (frequently) poor.

Bought him too much stuff - in an attempt to find that one magic toy that piques his interest and encourages him to engage and play with us. Literally have boxes of unused games in the cupboard.

I think this a fascinating question.

Things i really focussed on trying to do

• Ensuring a stable home. Refused to have kids til he put a ring on it. Not saying that's made for a perfect marriage but having been brought up by a single mother who was utterly broke that was a line in the sand.
• Demonstrate equality. As pp said it doesn't translate but dc see me working, I always tell them I pay half and men should do half the housework.
• Always try to be the person they can talk to about anything, no topic verboten etc.

Failing

• losing my temper. I work ft and sometimes a bit quick to snap. I do apologise but I'm sure they'll be telling their therapist how I shouted too much about wet towels and dishes not in the dishwasher.

Wow

Well the good stuff
As a lone parent managed to get them a house each they will inherit

Work all the hours I can to make sure they get by ok

Heap praise

Lots of extra curricular stuff

Modelling what power one parent can have

The bad
Bloody screen time
Don't read enough
Shout once a month or so and I hate that I do this
They are not always immaculate
Hmmmm I'm sure there are loads more too

@LaPalmaLlama - I certainly think that not every choice we make has some earth-shattering affect on our kids, I sometimes think with some people 'Calm down, you're just their parent'. I also believe that, to paraphrase Philip Larkin - 'They fuck you up, your mum and dad.... but only slightly' We'll all pass on sub-optimal stuff to our kids, but generally only sub-optimal, not life ruining. Our kids may turn out over-sensitive to criticism, or impatient or whatever due to the example we've set - but they'll still be able to have fulfilling relationships and hold down a job and so on.

And some of these have reminded me that yes, teaching my kids tidyness is definitely not an area I have set a good example.😳

Things I do well…
*Apologise if I am wrong
*make time for them each at bedtime- both get 20-30 minutes of reading of talking before bed if they want it.
*reading with them and encouraging a love of books
*helping them access after school acticities

Not so well….
*getting overwhelmed as a parent and over reacting to minimal things, especially around stressful moments like morning before school.
*I entertained them too much and didn’t allow them to sort themlesves out more, so they have high expectations of me “playing” with them.

Good idea for a thread, OP.

What I’ve done well:

Modelled gender equality within our home (good choice of father, clear communication of expectations and teamwork).

Taught manners and consideration for others. Modelled community values by serving others both formally and informally.

Encouraged debate and tried to validate feelings.

Clear boundaries. Lots of praising of effort.

Presence - made sacrifices as a family to be around as much as possible.

I find parenting teens quite instinctive (much more so than small children). I think I’m getting the balance right between offering support and fostering independence.

Could have done (much) better:

I was very impatient and a bit stressy when they were little and it’s my biggest regret. I worry that it will affect them as adults.

Been a bit of a doormat at times (to friends and wider family) which probably wasn’t the best example to set.

At times I placed unrealistic expectations on them emotionally. Expected too much empathy and consideration for others for when they were little.

Makes me lol that many people say their good thing is a big one (emotionally connected and loving) and their bad one is minor by comparison (eg less screen time.)

I think it's much easier to see the big 'goods' than the big 'bads' at the end of the day

Good:

• he knows he can talk to me about anything (and he does, sometimes even the stuff I don't want to know!)
• definitely equality in the home

Bad:

• I have spoilt him and sometimes he can be a bit entitled... but at least he acknowledges it when I call it out and reins it in!
• he's too laid back and has a laissez-faire attitude to life (probably also a symptom of the first bad point!)

Despite me being the same mother to both of them...

One of my dc would tell you I'm a great mother who's always been loving, encouraging and endlessly supportive (I know this because he's told me as much)

The other one would tell you I'm just not good enough (at anything)