Fading out friend who's oblivious to everything

[SantasSocks]

Short version: an old "friend" I’m not really close to keeps asking to meet up but I find her really annoying and claustrophobic and would rather not meet up. How can I manage this kindly whilst being true to myself and not resenting spending time with her - or is there never a kind way?

Longer version: I have a friend who I used to spend a quite bit of time socialising with through our team hobby, we were reasonably close then but I had closer friendships, and the friendship was at its peak around 25 years ago when we were late teens. I find her quite difficult and annoying and we haven’t actively been in the same social group or hobby for 20 years so nothing really in common now. We’ve all got older, got married, kids, busy lives etc since we originally were in the same sports team and I moved 3 hours away from my old area 20 years ago - I don’t even do that hobby anymore.

Since then I’ve only seen her a few times a year and at weddings within the old group etc. However 18 years ago she asked me me to be godparent to her DD - something I was surprised about at the time as a) I didn’t think we were that close and b) I’m not religious. Anyway I accepted (wouldn’t do that now) and have therefore spent 18 years sending gifts to her DD and taking her to the occasional day out. I’ve stopped buying gifts now the DD is 18.

Friend is a very “unaware” type of person, and very fussy / fastidious and quite difficult, so a real headache to deal with whenever we are arranging anything or if there’s a very rare occasional group event such as someone’s wedding or meal out. She makes it really difficult to arrange anything and will go on and on about the same thing when you do finally meet up. She is clueless how frustrating she is to be around. All our other friends have had enough of her and have faded her out completely. The difficulty is that last time I saw her she told me how hurt she had been that some others had stopped messaging her. They tell me that life is too short and she is simply a PITA, which is true.

I have seen her 2-3 times a year plus her DD but as we live 3 hrs apart she will visit my area and spend a whole day which I find full on. Since having my DD 5 years ago, friend is always buying gifts and saying we should meet up so she can hand over the gift. But she’s definitely not a godparent to my child - we don’t have any but even if we did I would not have asked her! However it’s like she thinks the godparent arrangement is reciprocal and now we are going to get gifts every Xmas and birthday till my DD is 18. It’s doing my head in!

She wants to meet up on Xmas eve of all days which is not convenient or desirable but I keep saying no and then never suggest anything!

Bumping

Why all the angst? Just say you're busy. It's hardly an unbelievable reason at this time of year, especially on Christmas eve.

Sometimes there isn’t a kind way OP. Only you know how your friend will take it. How do you think it will go down? She sounds quite intense.
Remember you are allowed to say no and you don’t need ultimate give your friend a reason, even though the fact it’s Xmas eve is perfectly valid! You’ve simply out-grown her by the sounds of things.

I'm not here to armchair diagnose but I'm autistic and it sounds like your friend might be too.

Whether she is or not, I relate to her a lot but I understand that sometimes two people just don't vibe together. I've had friends phase me out, block me, bitch about me, and tell me that I'm intense/annoying/hard work/I drone on and on. It's shit at the time but now I'm left with a few long time friends (all ND) who do vibe with me.

You fundamentally dislike her so just end the relationship. I don't think there is a kind way to do it but it will be better for both of you in the long-term.

The tricky aspect is that she is appearing to nominate herself as defacto godparent to my DD and then arranging gifts each Xmas and birthday and after any holiday she goes on, which need to be delivered personally. I've asked her numerous times not to buy my DD gifts as there's really no need. Other friends of mine don't buy my DC gifts so why is she insisting on doing so. I feel it makes things more awkward.

Thats so tricky OP. Re Christmas eve you can just say you are busy, but it sounds like this is a longer term problem you need to address. As for the presents, youve asked her not to buy them and she has anyway then wants to meet you to pass them on, it sounds like the present buying is just a ploy to stay friends with you. Could you tolerate her once a year maybe? if so you could arrange in advance and say you are too busy otherwise, she can post presents outside of this. But if you really want to cut contact then its going to be difficult. Most people just don't reply to messages or dodge making plans but if sounds like she won't pick up on this so you might have to be more blunt. Also, its very hurtful to be phased out without explanation. Someone did this to me and it really affected my confidence for so long. I think the best would be to phone her and say you feel you have too much going on and don't think you'll be able to see her for the next few months and you are not even sure after that. Break up with her. That said if it was me I would find this really difficult as I hate upsetting people.

Also the gift buying thing, she isn't respecting your wishes so she might think she is being generous but she is actually being quite selfish. You could tell her that you are unhappy she isn't listening to you and making things awkward for you

Can you give us an example of how she makes it difficult when you meet or arrange group activities? I think there’s a middle ground you could take. The kindest thing to do is to gently tell her what is going wrong

I’d just keep cancelling n her and hope she gets the message, I can’t see what else you can do without making it into a bigger thing than it already is.

It's hard to explain the full extent of it but basically an arrangement to meet up for say, lunch, becomes an absolute nightmare of constant texts, fussing over where, timings, travel arrangements, etc for something which could be simple and easy. She's the opposite of laid back. She'll be preparing back up plans in case the train is late or the menu isn't to her (very particular) taste. A normal meet up for coffee with most friends would involve an exchange of about 4 messages between us, but with this friend it will be 20-30 messages and loads on the day itself. It's a pain.

She will repeat herself over and over again on the same point which gets people really frustrated. She's also oblivious. She will do things like give you unsolicited advice repeatedly, and not change the topic when it moves on. On the train she does things like talk really loudly or knock her bag repeatedly against the person next to her so that they get up and walk away, and she's still oblivious!

It probably sounds trivial but it's just a pain.

Honestly? It doesnt sound like she can help it so you either accept her for how she is or you dont see her anymore.

I understand what you're saying. I think she must have got worse though as I don't remember any of this when I first knew her and she never irritated me.

Is your goddaughter fond of you? If she is, you will inevitably be dropping her when you drop her mum. Seems a bit dramatic to no longer be able to bear a couple of visits a year when you’re probably going to hurt two people who you seem to matter to

You obviously really dislike her…or even borderline hate her. Some of the things you’ve written about her are really awful.

i suggest you put on a pair of big girl knickers and you send her a message saying the above and that you don’t want to see her again. It’s the kindness thing- after all, sounds like she deserves better friends than you!