If you didn’t want kids/family would you have chosen a different partner?

[Glowygoose]

Just musing really.

When dating I had a criteria in mind of ‘what this man make a good dad/husband to me and dc’ therefore my choices were skewed with that in mind.

I found my lovely DP who ticked all the boxes. Things like dependable, stable employment, no time consuming hobbies, family oriented, homebody, not a big drinker etc.

Of course there were other things like kind, things in common etc. however the above were the hierarchy of importance.

Before DP I had some lovely relationships full of much more passion, fun, spontaneity etc. however these men weren’t compatible with being ‘dad’ material. Things like having an obsessive time consuming hobby, needing constant sleep, loving to party and being restless if not having ‘fun’ all the time.
As lovely as these men were in many ways, I knew if I was to have had kids with them I’d have carried the lion share of child rearing and probably would’ve hated them quite quickly.

However if I never wanted babies I could quite happily have married some of these men and had a very happy marriage.
Likewise if I didn’t want dc I don’t think I’d have ended up with DP. One of the big draws to him and things I love about him is how family focused he is. He adores me and our babies and really is a 50/50 partner. His ideal weekend is family days out followed by a takeaway and film.

But if I didn’t want any of that I don’t think I’d have dated him.

Would you still be with your DP if you didn’t want kids?

Snap!

I have only ever consider men in respect of their reproductive potential.

Having DCs was the most important life goal I had.

I wouldnt let a man get in the way of that.

I was never interested in having a boyfriend for the sake of it.

I've had ONS/flings with men who wouldn't make good social fathers but always good biological fathers.

I probably would have had several 😂

@MiddleClassProblem 😂😂 I honestly think if i didn’t want kids I’d have a different boyfriend every few years or so.. or dated all at the same time!

No, when I met my DH I wasn't actually thinking that far ahead. I just really fell for him.

Nope, I love him for who he is.
He's a great Dad, but a strong healthy , and passionate relationship, with someone I could call best friend, was the most important. That was the ultimate goal. Everything else was negotiable - including kids.
They have all grown up and gone now, so it's just me and dp.

If you did choose your dp as good dad material, then once the kids have grown and gone what do you do?

No. At first we didn’t even want kids

Yes but only because DH really wanted children. So the relationship would have ended over that issue.

If we were the same people but didn't want children, then yes I'd still be with him.

Maybe. I'm not sure our relationship would have lasted without kids because his career was so incompatible with family and they were the push to change it. We would have had a lot of fun first though!

Nope I choose my partner because I loved him, that’s the only reason.

I did always have a type though, that when thinking about it, would be the type who would make a good stable parent! There were some guys I just dated for fun knowing they weren’t ’good enough’ to be my life partner! So perhaps subconsciously I did!

No. I knew he was a diamond as soon as I met him. I haven't been proved wrong 25+ years later. I always had very good taste in men, could spot a baddie a mile off, all previous were good'uns.

@TammyJones good question! Probably continue to just enjoy life with DP tbh.

I love him more and more as time goes on and our lives entangle deeper and deeper.
The love I have for him is incomparable and completely different to what I’ve experienced before through building a life with him. At times I’ve had to trust him more than anyone else and been so vulnerable and fragile. Had life experiences with him that solidified him in my heart and soul. The love has become richer, deeper and entwined as the years go on.

However if I never had/wanted kids we’d never have gotten to that point I don’t think.

So hopefully in 18 years time we’ll still continue sharing our lives together.

When I met DH I didn’t want kids and we didn’t even discuss it before we got married.

i married DH because he was good looking and made me laugh. I know, I’m shallow.

He encouraged me to have kids.

If I had my time again I’d pick someone who didn’t drink (he doesn’t now but he did for years and life was awful for a long time) and who was a better kisser. Still shallow 😂

I know that if I didn’t want kids my life would have been immeasurably different. I wouldn’t live where I live, my job would involve long travel periods as I purposefully have chosen an avenue in my industry where I can be at home for DD but it’s not what I would do if I don’t have her. My lifestyle would be very different as would my finances (although possibly not in a good way!).

And as a result of all that I feel I would be a very different person, although still a version of me but closer to what I was than what I am now? But I guess you never know what situations shape you along the way.

I'd never given any thoughts to having kids, and we didn't discuss it prior to getting married.
However, if I could go back over forty years, I'd still pick my DH to marry.
He's been a fantastic DH and father.

No not at all, we've met when we were 20 and kids weren't on my mind at all. We were together 14 years before having our first child. Luckily he is an amazing dad but also an amazing husband.

I didn't want kids and neither did my partner, so we were compatible in that way. Our marriage didn't last, for other reasons, but we are still best friends.

I would have had to have been totally head over heels and 100% sure I had the right man for me if I married someone who did want kids, and he would have had to be perfect father material willing to share the workload - and even then I'm not sure I would have wanted to commit. Nothing against kids, but I just knew I wasn't cut out for motherhood, so I always planned to be single.