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Original poster

Found out I have older brother

9 replies

67Namechange · 16/12/2023 21:13

Years ago I found a marriage certificate that said my mum had been married before she married my dad. She was 18 when she married her first husband.

I was shocked but never mentioned it to her or my younger brother as I respected her choice of never telling us...it was 10 years before she married my dad. I only ever told one friend and my husband.

Anyway, fast forward to last week and I was saw a photo of a girl on one of those local 'days gone by' pages on FB who looked the spitting image of me.....like identical! I couldn't help but immediately think back to knowing my mum had been married before she had my brother and I.

I went onto the register for marriages and births and found her marriage certificate from the late 60's and found a record of birth for a boy, not a girl. My mum was from a strict Catholic family so it looks like she married the father whilst pregnant instead of have to go to a 'womens home'/adoption route.

I did a bit more digging and, unfortunately, found a death record to say the baby died the same year he was born. I'm not sure why he died, I could order a death certificate but I don't think it would benefit me to know that information/is my place to do so.

So, I had/have a half brother. I just feel so sad that my mum went through all that and she was so young and I can't speak to her about it. She's kept it secret for over 50 years.

I'm not sure what I'm asking really....it feel strange to know I wasn't my mum's first child and just can't stop thinking about it.

OP posts:

MsTwaffles · 16/12/2023 21:19

Oh thats really tough. Could you try and bring it into conversation about it happening to others and how hard it must have been etc? Then the ball is in her court to open up if she wants to. Other than that I dont think I could approach it any other way without there being a potential fall out. Do you think your dad knows about the situation?

Original poster

67Namechange · 16/12/2023 21:22

She would have had to have told him, he is a bit younger than her so wouldn't have known her then even though they were living in the same town. If he does know he's never given any indication of it.

OP posts:

Original poster

67Namechange · 16/12/2023 21:25

I also remember watching a TV drama recently about Magdalene laundries and how badly young pregnant Catholic women were treated....I brought it up to say it's a good watch (before I know the above if course)....I don't remember her reaction though. My mum is a very closed book!

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rwalker · 16/12/2023 21:26

I’m presuming your mums still alive at a guess she must be in her 80’s

I’m not sure it would benefit anyone to bring it up
she could be incredibly hurt that you have been digging around in her past

Original poster

67Namechange · 16/12/2023 21:31

rwalker · 16/12/2023 21:26

I’m presuming your mums still alive at a guess she must be in her 80’s

I’m not sure it would benefit anyone to bring it up
she could be incredibly hurt that you have been digging around in her past

Yes I agree. She's mid 70's.....I won't be bringing it up with her. If she wanted me to know she would have told me.

I'm just finding it tricky knowing it now and feel sad she's been through all that.

OP posts:

CoatOfArms · 16/12/2023 21:36

67Namechange · 16/12/2023 21:22

She would have had to have told him, he is a bit younger than her so wouldn't have known her then even though they were living in the same town. If he does know he's never given any indication of it.

She really wouldn't. If she was from the sort of background in which pre-marital sex and pregnancy was utterly shameful, she may have told your dad she was married before, but not about the baby. In fact, if the baby had died as an infant I can well imagine her NOT telling him.

Don't judge your mum. Abortion was not legal in the UK until 1967 and your mum may have had no options at all.

Original poster

67Namechange · 16/12/2023 21:43

@CoatOfArms I meant she would had to have told him for him to know....he wouldn't have been told my anyone in the family etc.

I'm not judging her, I just feel so sad for her. The baby was born in 1967....it's all just so sad.

OP posts:

caringcarer · 16/12/2023 21:43

It's so sad that your Mum has had to carry that heavy mental load for so many years. Her parents might have made her get married because she was pregnant then when her baby died she must have felt terrible. I'd try to put it out of your mind now you know the truth. It's not as if your brother is alive and you could meet up with him. I'd not mention it to your Mum. It might make her feel very uncomfortable and if she wanted you to know she would have told you.

CoatOfArms · 16/12/2023 21:48

Ah right I see what you mean. When she married your dad she would have had to say she was divorced/widowed rather than single. She wouldn't have had to tell him about the baby and probably didn't.

I totally get it's a massive shock @67Namechange but you are not alone in this. So so many women were forced into giving up their children because of the shame of being a single mother. Times have changed and society has moved on but they still feel the stigma. I also think there was a different attitude to infant death back then. My aunt had a baby in 1970 who died the following year. I was born a couple of years later. I remember as a child seeing pictures of a baby in a pram at my grandmother's house and asking about who it was. Granny said "That's Gillian, she died". End of conversation, change the subject. Do not discuss.

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