Never felt like a mum

[Earthwormsunset]

Is there such a thing to never feel like a mum.
I don't mean childless by choice.
But having a child or children and still never feeling like a mum.

I was talking to my sister today and it popped up in a conversation that she has never felt like a mum.
Her children are all grown-up.
They had a good childhood etc she was very involved with them.
But she said she has never felt like a mum or had that maternal instinct.
She said after she had the twins she got sterilised as she knew she would never want to do it again.

She has never had any mental health issues so it wasn't that.

She said she loves her children but like she's a big sister not a mother type love.
I said I never new any of this she said she felt like an actress most of the time.
She never said anything has back 30 year ago it wasn't talked about as much as it is to day.

Still to day she doesn't feel like a mum.
After her divorce decades ago and the kids left home she said she finally started to feel herself again.

Ive never experience it but was so intrigued that my own sister has but she was such a good mother all those years.
Turn's out she was just playing a role of mother and wife until the kids left home 18 months after her last twin left she filed for divorce.

Has this happened to anyone else.
Just didn't take to motherhood or just didn't feel it no matter what.

She's not or ever been a cold person.
Loves life and people a big people pleaser.
If her children need her she would be on the next flight out but it feels like her duties to do so.
No just because she's a parent.
They adore her but there's no parent connection.
They can go month without ringing her and it doesn't bother her. ( They ring every week)

Sounds to me like she's done a pretty good job, however she feels. Not feeling 'mum guilt' seems to have resulted in emotionally secure kids, if I've read you right!

Your sister is me! My son's grown up and I love him,but it feels like an objective type of love. When most people on here describe how they feel about their children I don't recognise those feelings.

A work colleague felt like this and just thought it was how she was. Therapy and anti depressants and she changed a lot.

I’ve never felt that way thankfully, it sounds awful to have to act and not have a genuine bond.

She's been known by her nickname since childhood.
And her children call her by her nickname they never call her mum.
But to be fair we never called our mum mum we called her morph.

Did she actively want to have children (and get married) or did she do so because that was expected of her?

Yes and no she wanted to get married she adored her husband at the time.
She didn't want children but he did.
After long talks ect she agreed they could try for one.
As most around her at the time said it's the best thing it completed their family's.
Don't leave it to late ect.
She fell pregnant with twins.
She doesn't regret them she just has no connection with them.

I think I've felt very maternal and motherly since I was a little girl myself, I used to look after the little kids in the playground at school, I babysat and taught nursery and have always adored and bonded with my friends kids - lots of practice before having my own and many people said I'm born to be a mother.

But.

I now often feel I'm not good at it or I'm not doing it properly or I'm not present enough of making him the best home cooked meals or taking him to enough baby classes and I feel such guilt I didn't manage Breastfeeding- it's a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I definitely feel like I’m playing a role, don’t feel like a mum at all (whatever that feels like, I don’t have the love the bones off them sort of feeling) . I had PND for 3 years and I really struggled to form a connection. I don’t have a maternal bone in my body.

But it breaks my heart if DD is upset or her feelings have been hurt and I would be worried if I hadn’t heard form her when she’s older. So I trust there is something there that is growing, even if it’s been slow.

I also think if your sister filed for divorce so soon after they left she was perhaps living a whole life she didn’t really want. Perhaps a life that felt very much a series of obligations rather than things she was doing for herself.

I think some of us have a bumpy road and some of us never feel what we think of as the right feelings. But it sounds like your sister did a great job regardless and I think thats the important thing. However you feel that you do your best.

@SleepingStandingUp that is my experience and my opinion. We all have our way of parenting our children and this is what makes this topic so interesting. Yes me and my DD are very close - not because I work but because as her mum I have made it a priority to get to know the human behind my child. Anyone can do that regardless of it they work or SAH. My circumstances work for me. I’ve worked, I’m a lone parent, I have a career, a business and I’m ambitious. It shouldn’t offend you. It sounds like your life works for you and I’m happy for you.

As an ambitious mum I have often been made to feel that a stereotypical mum is one that SAH. Also because I’m around people that work loads I never really feel like a mum because I get comments like “what you have a kid… how do you do it all?”

Im sure you have your identity. I also know how hard it is to find your identity after being a mum - at least that has been my experience and the women that I am around. It didn’t come overnight but I invest in my child, hobbies and career and feel fortunate to be able to do so - why - because I speak to people, not just mums or parents, that want to invest more in things they love.

just thought I’d reply because my comment isn’t there to offend anyone but I can really resonate with elements of OPs sister - who seemed like a working mum that still managed to raise amazing children without feeling “maternal”.

My best friend has told me she feels like this. She said she just feels like it’s a job or a chore etc, you do it because it’s expected and you have to do it, so she does stuff for her children because she has to not because she wants to. Like how you said if your sisters children needed her she’d be on a flight to them because it’s her duty. She feels the same way, she doesn’t care exactly, she just knows it’s what she has to do. She is much happier now they’ve grown up and moved out.

This information is maybe quite outing for your family. Sounds like she was a good mother even if she never felt like one but I’d maybe remove this comment just incase her children found this thread. Unlikely but you never know as they would probably find it a difficult to read.