Daughter hates me ( light hearted)

[spiderleggings]

I can't do right! She's almost 13 and has an older brother ( 2 years older)

She constantly compares herself to him in terms of what she's allowed to do and have ( different age related privileges) and screen time etc

She's being very unkind to me and I don't want to pander to this. I'm struggling to remain calm with her but for some reason when she acts like her brother gets more or better it really triggers my anger!

I've tried to hard to make things equal and they both have all their needs met and it infuriates me!

He's does chores for money because he struggled to get a job at 15 ( min age was 16 around here for places he tried) and he had started a social life so we set up a jobs for monthly allowance.

We don't ask daughter to do any chores and she's mad that she can't have the same as her brother.

Am I being unfair? I can't afford to give them both a monthly allowance for jobs and he didn't have this privilege at her age.

She also had a very expensive hobby that I paid for 4 years ( totalled approx £5k) whereas my son has never had a hobby to pay for

I can't work out or I'm being harsh or unfair here?

They're very close in age but you ARE treating them differently. I'm the oldest, but I can see why she's annoyed!

I agree I am treating them differently but I'm not sure unfairly? At 12 my son didn't have what she's asking for

My dc1 and dc2 have the same age gap and tbh, there wasn’t much difference in how they were treated. IIRC the main difference was that the younger one went to bed a little earlier.

I can see why your dd is annoyed about the money. While she might not go out atm, she would probably like the chance to earn money so that she can buy stuff online or at the shops. What would you do if she starts going out in 6 months time ? Would you decrease Ds’s money or make her wait until she was 15 too?

I had planned on making her wait until she's 15. She currently has everything paid for by me, so if she wants to go out or buy a present or food we pay.

When she's 15 I plan to give her an earned allowance and drop off some of the spending we currently give her

I'll add that this all feels moot anyway as she would never stick to any sort of chore list. She can't even bring a cup down from her room ( been there over a week!)

Close age gaps are hard, OP! There are two years between mine. The youngest definitely gets to do more earlier as we don't treat them too differently as we know it would just cause strife that frankly we don't want to deal with.
My elder certainly has more freedoms (can go out later / further from home, watch older-rated TV etc). But, we accept that younger siblings grow up "faster" which as long as they are safe is fine.
In your case I'd maybe give your younger child some opportunities to earn some pocket money if you can afford it, whilst explaining that you are still paying for stuff that your elder one is now expected to pay for himself.

I think you're right to make her wait until she's 15 too. I am the older one of a similar age gap and my parents often gave my younger sibling the same privileges as soon as I got them (after I had been made to wait for a particular age) and it was unfair.

Even more so since she's behaving badly - she should not be rewarded with an unfair privilege for bad behaviour.

YANBU. I would point out that you are treating them the same. Her DB never got any money at 12 and neither is she. Also I think it would be very unfair on your DS to see that DD is getting to do/have things he was not allowed to do/have at her age. It could make him resentful and view her as the "golden" child.

If you know she won't do the jobs then you aren't losing any money by giving her the opportunity. It would be one less thing to fight over, as you can remind her that once she does the chores properly, she can have the cash. Ball is in her court.

It is inevitable that the second child.gets treated differently sometimes. Pfb tends to have organic home pureed veggies as the first food and second child grabs the white bread marmite toast the first one left lying around etc. I'm not suggesting you start passing her whisky and cigarettes, but do accept that they are different and that what happened to one doesn't need to be set in stone for the next one.