Work Christmas Night Out - feeling sad and strange

[TheSuggestedAmendment]

I went to my work Christmas night out. I am medium popular - not A-Team Fun Crowd (I’m old!) but also know plenty of people and am cheerful enough to fill an awkward silence.

But tonight’s party has made me feel very weird. I was very much struggling to find people to talk to. I feel very self-conscious and generally superfluous to the party.

Is it the drinking? I drank quite a bit but started later than most so was not noticeable. But I feel so negative I wish I hadn’t gone. Can anyone relate?

I think this is more common than you’d expect OP. Socialising with workmates is an unnatural dynamic to begin with, so one you’re all out of the workplace it’s like a social experiment with everyone feeling and likely acting a bit oddly.

im sure you’re great company and with just a couple of your closest colleagues it would have felt very different. Try not to overthink things.

Op I had mine tonight too and feel the same

Yep, I had mine tonight and felt exactly the same.

I think we all have events where you come home thinking "hmm, that wasn't my best work". It happens, don't worry.

I can identify @TheSuggestedAmendment

The trouble with work do's is that it isn't difficult to lapse into talking shop some of the time, so don't really switch off completely.

Plus Im personally always on guard, put up a work front and never want to give away too much of who I am. I hate the thought that I'll say something that will haunt me forever, so I don't really relax. Not that I'd ever say anything nasty, but I suffer quite badly from social anxiety and can be known to ruminate for years later "did so-and-so take what I said the wrong way"

In short I don't enjoy work do's but go if I feel forced to, almost as a way of getting social brownie points. I don't drink, as it's one less thing to worry about re letting my guard down and saying things wrong/offending someone by accident!

Thanks for the replies - it does help to know it wasn’t just me.

Sometimes I’ve come back from parties feeling like I’ve done something wrong. This time, I’m sure I wasn’t rude or anything. I was just so boring and … dunno … no one cared at all that I was there (and fair enough why should they). But I like my colleagues so I thought it would be better.

Also, I think another younger mum felt left out and I don’t know her well and didn’t help her and I feel bad about that too.

Most people seemed to be having a great time.

I am glad we don't go out where I work!

The first hospital I worked in it was fantastic. We all went upstairs to the "library". We all brought some food which was great because we were multi cultural so lots of lovely food and it was just great to stand and chat (sometimes sit). The engineers had the best party though (loads of booze).

The hospital is no longer there (flats now) but I doubt the booze element would be allowed now anyway!

As PPs say work dos can be weird. Sounds like the people you’d thought you’d talk to were boozing or spending time with others and you were just ‘in your own head’ . Would try not to worry about it!

It sounds like what your experiencing is beer fear / hangxiety.

I never, ever go. They are people you speak to because you are in the same building as you for a large part of your week. Or, increasingly now, faces on a screen in the corner of your spare room. Everyone gets pissed, tries to act 20 and look interesting and puts up with the misery of a crap venue and splurging on overpriced and lacklustre food and drink.

If the company gave me £50 bonus to enjoy with my family instead of expecting me to stump that much on spending a shit time with them I'd be £100 better off and far fucking happier.

I'm also available for comments on secret satan and those fucking elves 😁

I went to one like that. Everyone was sitting at tables of about eight. The people I usually talked to in the office were all sitting together at a full table, and although they weren't in the least rude or unfriendly, it was clear they hadn't factored me into their plans for the night at all, just a 'Hi' when they saw me and that was it.

I ended up having to 'attach' myself to a couple of people I didn't know well at all. They were lovely, but I felt like a spare part as I couldn't make much contribution to the conversation.

It made me reassess how I felt about the first group and I came away from the evening bored and deflated.

That was several years ago, I don't bother to go to organised Christmas events any more.

This sounds very similar to my night!

My worry is that I begin to think ‘parties aren’t for me’ and that seems a bit of a slippery lonely slope. I want to enjoy them - I just don’t!

I hate evening work events, unless it is an extra special event such as a corporate fundraiser or award type thing. Too much pressure to be the fun one, look great and out do each other. Don't sweat it. I rarely go and usually find another reason not to attend (eg school play etc). They are also massively discriminatory against working parents, single parents, people who don't drink etc etc.

I try and make sure in my teams we have a mix of lunchtime get togethers, afternoon tea and cake, and away days to get people socialising when they are at their best. If the team want to do something more raucous without me that is fine.

I felt like that and I organised the thing!
Was often left with bags as people went off to have fun and sat on the end of a long table to eat.

I'd already realised I don't currently have a "work bestie" that I hang with who was attending.

Luckily with trains being funny everyone left by 9.30 so I could pay up and leave by 10.

There was a time when I loved a Christmas Party, the delight ebbed away over the years and it ended with me desperate to get away and thankful that Covid meant there wouldn't be any more for me.

I'm off to a Christmas Lunch today, not for work but with a crowd of runners. I don't do running, I do vegetable growing so I'll talk about all the wonderful tomatoes I'm hoping to grow.

Op, it's bloody painful and awkward and the seating is never conducive to making sure everyone is looked after and included.
People stick to their cliques and leave the shy ones out.

If I was organising these things I would do it totally differently and make people change seating from names randomly in a bag and change between courses. So no feels left out or wonders where to sit and people get a chance to talk to everyone. And if you are stuck with someone you don't like you know it will change soon with the course. Perfect.

I don’t think relaxing completely at a work event is ever a good idea tbh.

@ANightingale @ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO
Seating is a huge factor! I also loathe the Xmas party for the exact same reason as you - and that story about the groups of eight is my actual worst nightmare.

I had mine last Friday and it actually wasn’t too bad this year because instead of being seated at tables, we had a cordoned off area of a bar with a buffet table and people could mill around a bit. This made it less obvious or painful if you were at a table where it was awkward.

A lot of it is down to the dynamic of your workplace @TheSuggestedAmendment any you say many of your colleagues are older than you. I have the reverse problem in that most of my colleagues are 20 years older than me. They are all perfectly nice we just don’t have a lot of common ground so finding things to talk about that isn’t work is a bit tricky for a whole evening. I actually popped along to DHs party because it was on the same night as mine and we were going home together and found it easier! All his colleagues are 25 -40 (we are 31) so it was just an easier social experience!

Sadly, I think you’d find there’d be lots of cancellations.

I don’t go to work dos. I really like some of my colleagues but just don’t want to socialise like that with them. I would go out for lunch or afternoon tea or something but not a boozy evening do. I don’t really drink anymore and often feel awkward and uncomfortable at that sort of party, unless it’s a party with close friends and DH.

I had a works end of year do last year and felt completely left out. I left early and was really upset afterwards.

Now I work for a different company (only been there 2 months) and it's our works xmas do tonight. Everyone I've met so far has been lovely so I don't really mind who I sit next to. We had a quiz night recently and it was a great night

Lots of lovely things to do at Christmas, but work dos….

The thing is that work colleagues are thrown together unnaturally. You'd probably enjoy a get-together with your own actual friends.

I'm sorry you didn't have a great night - I think work do's can be odd. I think it's just that people are out of context and it can be awkward.

Ours is tonight and I'm not going- I don't feel I fit that well and just didn't fancy it. I doubt anyone will really notice that I'm not there tbh.

This is why I don't go! I had colleagues on and on at me one year and I was really up front, saying no one talks to me, I feel like a spare part. No no, they cried, sit with us! We'll have fun. Did that happen? Did it fuck.

Just started a new job and I refused to go to that, it's just so awkward. Add in trying to eat finger food at the same time without making a horrendous mess. No! Stay at home.