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Original poster

Ghosted by old friends in a new city

19 replies

MotherofGorgons · 14/12/2023 09:26

We have recently moved back to London after several years away, for professional opportunities.We don't have family here or many old friends, but had stayed in touch with 3 or 4 " couple friends". These are people who have seen DC grow up, gone through tough times with us and so on.

When we told them about moving back, they all seemed to be v excited and we made plans to meet. Lots of " Do come over when you are settled".

Cue the actual move, and we are batted away everytime we suggest meeting. Excuses range from travelling ( fine but all the time?" to adult DC being ill). How long would you keep trying under these circumstances? DH is a proud man and has tried twice or thrice, then said " Call us when you are free". Have got no calls. We are all in our late 40s and early 50s so kids are grown and childcare not an issue. All are doing reasonably well so CoL not a big issue.

We are also in a small flat ( we downsized as DC moved out) so cant have people over that much. But we invite them out to lunch or coffee and then crickets! Or excuses. If a friend of mine moved to my city, I would definitely make the first move as the "host", but we are doing all the chasing.

It's us, isn't it? But all these friends perfectly happy to exchange cordial Whatsapps back and forth. I think I might stop trying. DH already has.

OP posts:
Original poster
MotherofGorgons · 14/12/2023 11:10

And ghosted on here too! Am I whining too much? 😁

OP posts:
Brendabigbaps · 14/12/2023 11:12

they’ve moved on and filled their lives with other things, you can’t just expect to jump back in.
I’d stop trying personally, it’s them, not you

Olika · 14/12/2023 11:17

Brendabigbaps · 14/12/2023 11:12

they’ve moved on and filled their lives with other things, you can’t just expect to jump back in.
I’d stop trying personally, it’s them, not you

Was about to say the same.

Vasilevich · 14/12/2023 11:22

How long have you been back @MotherofGorgons ?

I think you are possibly reading too much into this.

I would leave it for now and try again in the spring if they don't contact you by then - nothing that involves anyone hosting. Suggest meeting up somewhere to do something/go to a local event. If it is still crickets then...well...

Original poster
MotherofGorgons · 14/12/2023 12:14

It's been nearly a year since I have been back. I usually suggest meeting for coffee or a meal out in a cheap place. I think they have all moved on, and perhaps these were just situational friendships.

God, its so hard to make friends as you get older and leave the school gates behind. I have to though.

OP posts:
martha4clark · 14/12/2023 12:22

Sounds tough. So have you been back nearly a year and they have not see you once?

Snowpake · 14/12/2023 12:24

That sounds rough, I’m so sorry OP. This is not the same, but I have some friends who I always feel I’m letting down - they want to meet up for a catch up or a phone call but they’re acquaintances really and it makes me feel weird that they put so much store in our friendship. I end up delaying and then the longer we leave it the more emotionally loaded the messages become (I miss you! I have so much to tell you!) that I just feel like I don’t know how to respond.

have you tried suggesting something mutually interesting - eg a show or an exhibition? That way it could take the pressure off the emotional baggage/ their latent guilt about not seeing you, and on to something else? Then once you’ve met up once it could start to flow?

Pavane · 14/12/2023 12:26

Are you in widely geographically distant parts of London? I think it's easy to forget, when you've been away and possibly living somewhere smaller, how much time I can take to trek about on public transport to see people, especially people who are out in distant suburbs.

Snowpake · 14/12/2023 12:28

the other thing is that I wonder what happened when you moved away? As a Londoner raising my family in London, I have spent many years smiling sweetly as important members of my social circle announce how much they hate our area/ lifestyle choices and that they are seeking the good life in the countryside. Fine. But for some reason they have to really tell us about how they couldn’t bear to live in London anymore. It makes me feel like I am just a situational convenience for them, but actually they sneer at all the choices I’ve made. Obviously I’m polite to these people and I recognise this is part of their thinking process but if I’m honest I feel a bit betrayed. Well, betrayed is too strong but a much less potent version of that!

If they suddenly moved back and wanted to pick up where we left off I can imagine thinking - no, I had to start again without you when you left, so why do you think I have space for you in my life now?

again, I’m putting this in too strong terms. But hopefully you understand what I mean

Vasilevich · 14/12/2023 12:29

Oh dear - yes, sounds like it @MotherofGorgons . I still wouldn't take it personally, and maybe things will change in the future but for now I would leave it.

I'm the same age as you and I'm hoping for a second wind friendship-wise (also moved around a bit - several close life-long friends, but they don't live close. Very few local friends now). Lots of people our age are pulled in all directions by young adult children/work/elderly parents/perimenopause. I honestly cba to host anymore - or even be hosted, I don't have the energy. I really hope that that changes - I know it is shit.

Yes, if you've got the energy get out there and make some new friends.

ClockHolly · 14/12/2023 12:33

Is your flat so small that you can’t fit two more people in it? If not I’d invite them over for dinner or drinks or a takeaway or whatever. Give them some dates and see what happens.

Ducksinthebath · 14/12/2023 12:43

I think a lot of people are facing friendship challenges are the pandemic and things haven't really gone back to normal. I am a massively sociable person and had a wide circle of friends but it's shrunk and shrunk through a mutual feeling of can't be bothered with anything. Even between DH and I (also London-based with London-based friends) we have a malaise around things we used to do regularly as a couple and even alone. It's like the whole world is feeling slightly under the weather and de-energised.

I know that's not any consolation but I hope it reassures you that it's not just you.

Bookworm1111 · 14/12/2023 12:45

When did you leave London and how old were all your DC then?

EmmaEmerald · 14/12/2023 12:56

sorry you are having this too OP

I've moved and had a similar experience. Back to where I grew up (not relevant) but mostly near my mum.

as an adult, I've been here at least once a week for literally years because of visiting parents

People used to ask me regularly for drinks and I thought they meant it. Well they did, I went a few times!

When I said I was moving here, they were all claiming to be very excited.

Now I'm here, only one person still wants to go out.

Mum is saying "it's because you're here now, you're not 2 hours away which means they have to plan it".

But What I'm realising is that

  1. people who are married with kids now just disappear into that for life, it's not just when the kids are little
  2. People who are getting higher up the career ladder really don't have any energy left
  3. People who I thought were family friends are really just my parents friends. I'm including the 30s and 40s in that.

Sorry, not all of that is relevant to you but I've given up on the friends thing. I spent a long time thinking it was my fault. I don't think that any more. I have tried hosting, organising, it's not worth it.

i hope you have better luck.

EmmaEmerald · 14/12/2023 12:57

Ducksinthebath · 14/12/2023 12:43

I think a lot of people are facing friendship challenges are the pandemic and things haven't really gone back to normal. I am a massively sociable person and had a wide circle of friends but it's shrunk and shrunk through a mutual feeling of can't be bothered with anything. Even between DH and I (also London-based with London-based friends) we have a malaise around things we used to do regularly as a couple and even alone. It's like the whole world is feeling slightly under the weather and de-energised.

I know that's not any consolation but I hope it reassures you that it's not just you.

This too.

Original poster
MotherofGorgons · 15/12/2023 12:59

Thanks all for the useful advice. I will give it one more shot after Xmas, suggestinh exhibitions or gigs. I think hosting has died! Most of our friends live not too far away and I always suggest a place convenient for everyone.

@Snowpake I hear what you say but we didn't move away because we hated London. We only moved for certain personal reasons and we never badmouth London. I am happy to be back at this stage of my life actually, where I am older and don't need a babysitter.

Definitely everyone is super busy and some looking after elderly parents, which I have not yet had to do.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 15/12/2023 13:02

Join London Girl on Facebook. I am in my fifties and joined Brighton Girl you meet all sorts of other women, some might be couples I guess for all kind of adventures.

ClockHolly · 17/12/2023 13:40

@MotherofGorgons why do you think hosting has died?

I think it’s far harder to turn down an invite to someone’s house than a general ‘shall we go to this?’. Say you’d love to have them over, give them a load of dates over a 6 week period and see what they say.

coloursquare · 17/12/2023 15:25

ClockHolly · 17/12/2023 13:40

@MotherofGorgons why do you think hosting has died?

I think it’s far harder to turn down an invite to someone’s house than a general ‘shall we go to this?’. Say you’d love to have them over, give them a load of dates over a 6 week period and see what they say.

I wouldn't do this. You can't bombard people into wanting to hang around with you.

I'm sorry, OP. Can see it's hurtful.

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