Looking for parents that have been in this situation, please help

[OneWayTicketAwayFromHere]

DS has speech and development delay and an ASD diagnosis.
He is in Year R and ever since he started he has been a nightmare at school. Hitting, kicking and throwing things at others. These behaviours have been a few times towards other children but the majority of them are targeted towards the teacher.

Every time someone challenges him or asks him to do something he doesn't want to, he reacts in the ways mentioned above.

The school is at loss and don't know how to handle him. Nothing seems to work from what they tell us.
They are now asking us (DH and me) for advice at what we do at home when he is acting that way.
Here is the thing... he doesn't do all that at home! Yes, if he has to do something he doesn't want to he gets all stroppy and angry, cry, throw himself to the floor etc but it doesn't escalate to such violence!

In a few weeks time they want to see us to have a talk about the situation as they think this is much more than his autism diagnosis and that he has serious behaviour issues.

I am concerned that they are fed up (rightly so of course) and they want to kick him out.

I am just so drained and upset. We have removed favourite toys/tablet as consequences. I have tried talking to him, explained why his behaviour is wrong, that we don't hit others etc etc, but it goes from one ear and straight out the other. I have asked him why he did xyz, how he is feeling, what he is thinking but due to his delay, I never get an answer.

He just looks at me and cries appearing all remorseful and he will say sorry, but that's all I get from him. Open questions never work with him. If I ask a yes or no question I might get a yes/no answer, but by that point he just picks one and sticks with it. So if I ask something ridiculous like 'did you paint Mona Lisa?' the answer will be "yes", 'did you go sky diving with the teacher?' 'Yes'.

Please, if you have been in the same boat with your child how did you handle it? How did your school help? Did it ever get better? I am terrified that if he is like that now when he is 5, how he is going to be when he is a teen?

This is all autism linked and based around anxiety. School more nursery should have applied for transitional funding for his reception year.

He is overwhelmed and not used to routines and the adults clearly don't know how to manage him.

He needs (in the classroom) his own safe space.
His own visual timetable
A whiteboard and pen for adult to draw our now and next. Or just what is happening.
5 min countdown for transition times
A timer works well for some of these
Movement breaks
Sensory breaks.

This is all manageable in a reception classroom with the free play they get. But it does require work from adult. Are the school willing to put funding in place to help?

I find a visual stop sign helps when saying no to an activity.
Also social stories can work wonders.

Please remember that most autistic behaviours are rooted around anxiety and that's where the behaviour comes from not knowing how to process his feelings and emotions

You are right, he can behave like that at home but it has never escalated to full on aggressiveness towards us like it's manifesting at school. When he was younger he has raised his hand and very slowly moved it to hit me/tap me when he would get overwhelmed/challenged (so not hard at all like they are describing at school and never with objects or punching) but we persisted with no, stop, it hurts, removing favourite toys and he eventually stopped.

Thinking about it now, I see him raising his hand when he is angry at us but he drops it down to his side instead of directing it at us, so I am guessing his first instinct is to lash out physically, but somehow manages to supress it.

It was picked up by health visitor assessment around the age of two that he was behind. I can't remember all the events in sequence but long story short we got referrals to paediatrician (who diagnosed asd at the age of 3ish), SALT who saw him 2 - 3 times a year, and portage who would visit at home and nursery. We haven't see the paed again after his diagnosis, SALT were meant to do a visit at his school in start of December but I haven't heard anything back from them and portage support stopped when he started reception.

The person from portage adviced us to apply for an EHCP and helped us with the application. Reports from paed and nursery were also submitted by the paediatrician and nursery themselves.

Edited to add 'EHCP' for clarification.

I would contact SENDIASS, they are the Special Educational Needs and Disabilities Information Advice and Support Service- every local area has one. They will support and advise you. https://www.kids.org.uk/sendiass-home/
I hope your son gets the support he needs x

Do you have an Educational Psychologist working with him? Does he have a statement of needs?
To me he sounds very overwhelmed and overstimulated. Confused and scared. Does he have a teaching assistant with him? My son was diagnosed quite young. He had a lot of support in school. We stupidly moved areas and his TA was taken away. He started to act out. Not violence, but running away . He just couldn’t cope. Talking to him and reasoning with him will not help. His verbal skills and ability to understand his own behaviour or change it prevent that. He needs gentle, calm encouragement, clear boundaries, lots of support. My son benefitted from a timetable so he could see what he had to do, where he had to be, what equipment was needed. Pressure and punishment made him much worse. He had a TA all through Primary and would not have managed without that.

I don't have any advice but just wanted to comment on how refreshing your post is . The teachers have told you about his behaviour, and you haven't got defensive, blamed anyone else or even denied it's happening because you don't see it at home. Whether they are the right ones or not you are trying to follow up with consequences at home and are willing to engage and work with the school staff. Honestly this attitude is so rare, your son stands a much better chance of positive progress with you willing to listen to work with the school.

Many local authorities are struggling financially at the moment.

I have heard that some are turning down all EHCP requests and only accepting on appeal as they don't have any money.

I don't know how true it is.

I would suggest that you work with the school to put in another EHCP request and expect to have to appeal it.

SosSEN and sendiass might help.

Realistically it sounds like you work around his needs at home, if school do not work around his needs he gets violent so they are working with him separately. (You say he copies other children when in a whole class situation).

It sounds like he is not capable of accessing the education as part of a whole class and therefore he is being given small group and/or 1:1 teaching.

In your shoes I would focus on his development - if his speech is unclear and understanding isn't great see if you can access SALT - they sometimes have drop-ins for fives and under.

No educational psychologist. I am unsure about the statement of needs.
Before he started reception the school was fully aware of his delay and asd and they had a meeting with his nursery key worker, nursery SEN teacher and my DH to talk about DS and how to help him. They seemed very switched on and on top of it. Not sure where it went wrong, or probably they didn't realise he was going to be so "stubborn".

Statement of needs is the old name for EHCP.

The system changed a while ago.

A few posters have said this is all part of asd behaviour. The school doesn't seem to think so as the headmistress said to DH that this is more than his autism and he has deeper behavioural issues and that they have had asd students before and they didn't act out like that. It's depressing really.

In a phonecall after an incident as well they seemed to imply that he might be copying the violence from home. It was very upsetting to be subtly accused of that. Especially, when another mum from school admitted to me that when her child was being a handful she would spank his bottom! And that child is one of the best behaved children in his class! So the irony in that ...
And to be very clear.. no! We haven't been kicking him, punching him, hitting him at home and no! My DH hasn't been kicking, punching, hitting me at home nor have I him! We also haven't been throwing objects at each others head apart from the occasional balloon during play time at home!

Hi my child has asd. I would say at 5 this is very common because your child is probably struggling with the expectations placed upon him at school. He probably cannot sit for long periods of time like other children can. At that age my child masked a lot and would melt down as soon as we stepped through the door at home. But at school freeze/flight response were huge. Your child sounds like fight response is being triggered. I would say educate yourself read up on your options. Home education? Special schools? Primary with sen experience? Has he got a ehcp. I don’t believe it’s behavioural it’s that he isn’t coping. You need to find somewhere that understands him because unhappy children don’t learn.

Ha get used to that! Probably nearly every parent has been accused of something ridiculous at some point in their kid’s schooling.
I’m sure there are kids that do learn violence at home sadly but this school do seem to need back up from other agencies/council etc as not coping themselves with the situation.

Just read your update. Please look for other schools don’t let them blame you for his behaviours. They clearly aren’t understanding him and they should have applied for a ehcp. Call sendiass for you area they should be able to advise.

Thank you for your kind comment.
I am trying to be as much self aware as possible. It's not always easy though hearing only bad news and bad behaviours. Makes me feel like a total failure of a parent. If anything I blame us more as parents than the school.

Sometimes a part of me does want to shout out "what are you doing to help him and prevent this?!?!", but I understand they have a class of 30 kids and limited resources.
I am also not blind to his behaviour, I know how he can be like.

I do sense that his teacher might not like him very much but then I can't blame her as I wouldn't like to be attacked at work either.

Children with autism vary massively.

Some of them are very academically bright. Some of them are not.

As your child has speech and development delay as well as the autism, in a sense the school are right that there are other issues going on as well - it's not "just" autism there are other issues.

I suspect from what you say that he is operating at about the three year old level. School is making demands on him he just cannot meet and he is responding with flight or fight and in him it is fight.

I have been in education for 20 years. It is very very normal for children with autism who are overwhelmed to respond with violence.

Many of the behavioural strategies used to deal with this focus on working out what triggers the violence and making sure he isn't exposed to it at all and then the exposure is built up gradually.

At the same time strategies are used to help the child recognise emotions (especially anger or anxiety) and go to a safe space, again to avoid the violence.

I suspect that because your son is delayed the strategies that have worked in the past with children with autism at that school are not working because he just isn't at that level of verbal maturity.

Thank you so much for all your posts. They have been so insightful and full of good advice. You are right about operating at a 3 yo level. DH and I have been saying it feels like we have a three year old.

If you don't mind me asking, how would you deal with him, after school has called or said at pick up he has attacked a teacher or another child and basically being difficult deal with?
We have had talks to him and removed his tablet but many posters have said it's not helpful.

Don't bother removing the tablet.

I'd suggest looking at Zones of regulation - we have used this in secondary with autistic kids and it has been very successful.

You do need to embed it into your life as much as possible though.

holybrookacademy.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/Holybrook-guide-to-the-Zones-of-Regulation.pdf

There are books as well.

Obviously cant generalise about a child that we don't know but it sounds very much ASD to me (former LA SEND Adviser)

Set up a meeting with the SENCo and share all your paper work and request new evaluations from an educational psychologist. Be clear that he is not coping in school and so he needs a new ECH needs assessment with a view to an EHCP.

I would also re-engage with the paediatrician, SaLT etc if you can

Make sure that they are keeping a log of his behaviours and you keep details of any contact that they have with you.

Even without an EHCP he should have an individual plan in place (called different things in different schools/LAs but it is a personal support plan for him as he should be on the SEN register and he clearly isnt coping at the moment and so needs additional support to help him achieve ). This should include how they adapt their approach (resources, adult support, behaviour expectations etc ) to enable him to access the same curriculum as his peers and what if any aspects of the curriculum are adjusted- so when he accesses something different from the rest of the class (SaLT therapies, calm down time to self regulate etc) . Ask to see that prior to the meeting (you should have seen it anyway)

Leave the meeting with clear actions and timescales
ie you will do x y and z by x date
I will do a b c by x date
You will contact d e f
I will contact q p r
Send an email to the Senco straight after the meeting to confirm what has been agreed
Set up another meeting for 3 weeks time to check progress

Repeat at next meeting