A question about death and grief, especially the first experience.

[Ostryga]

This is really playing on my mind recently, just wanted to know if I’m normal.

My first experience of death was my grandad 11 years ago. It was horrific, we were super close and he died very suddenly and bless him, in a bloody horribly dramatic way. I grieved him for months and months, it was probably the trauma and the suddenness but it took my about 5 years to be able to talk about him without breaking down.

Since then I never experience ‘grief’ in the usual way. Even if they are very, very close. I have a day of very intense sadness and crying, and it passes very quickly. It doesn’t burst out of me suddenly, I don’t cry if I hear something about them. I just don’t feel anything really even if I loved them immensely during life.

This is making me think I’m v broken, or have I just ‘done’ the big grief thing and my body/mind knows how to cope now? I’m worried I’m defective!

Bump in case anyone has any idea

There is no normal! Tbh, your first reaction sounds at the more severe end for an adult (?) losing a grandparent, so perhaps it was a case of "the first cut is the deepest"?

There is no right or wrong. 15 years on I'm still devastated about losing a friend, but then losing my dad a few years ago was sad but not awful - it was his time.

Everyone is different, and every death is different.

I don't think you're unusual. It's like the first time you get dumped makes you feel like you'll never be with anyone again. My first experience of death (and dumping) was the worst even though I lost a closer relative and got dumped by the father of my child later on. I think just feel your feelings and don't overthink it x

My husband died when we were 38 so five years ago. I always say and truly believe than other than my children (god forbid that ever happen) no one else death will ever impact me. To me loosing my husband is the most grief I will ever feel. My parents dying well that will be nature and they have had a good innings nothing to be upset about there. Grief grows you a thick skin I think.

The thing is there's no right or wrong or 'normal' or 'healthy'. I've experienced some pretty difficult losses and have never been one for lots of crying especially in public, and have always been surprisingly (on the surface at least) quite functional in the immediate aftermath. That's just how I am, for me it would be unhealthy and uncomfortable to force myself into noisy sobbing or similar. I guess people probably think I'm emotionally cold or worse than I didn't care about the person that's gone. But I know that I really do care, and the way in which you grieve on the outside is really not as important as how you think and feel and honour the person on the inside. Be kind to yourself and the people around you, don't be surprised if it hits you months or even years later, grief doesn't follow a fixed pattern or timescale, it weirdly isn't even always proportionate to your love and missing of the person or the way in which they went. Hope you feel better soon.

I think it's more that your first experience was so big and shocking that you are able to cope better now with other bereavements.

I wouldn't say your broken. There's no right or wrong way to deal with grief.