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Original poster

What would you do if you or spouse couldn't have sex anymore?

12 replies

taudmauvelord · 11/12/2023 15:26

There's SO many thread on people who don't want to have sex and lots of back and forth but this is more about when that ability is taken from you due to accident or illness.

There are so many conditions / essential medications that could cause this to happen - paralysis, cancer surgery / treatment, neurological conditions, medications etc and I often wonder if people still feel that the person who can't, should leave / be left - even if the choice is not of their doing and will likely be alone going forward (because you're unlikely to find a new partner as easily who doesn't want sex at all). What if you have a lovely life and family - is sex the thing that makes you leave it all?

I'm not some perverted journo btw - I'm living this life due to severe life changing surgery and I'm always sad when the 'I don't want sex' topic comes up on here that our marriage should end because of it even though I know the circs are different.

What would you do if it the ability to have sex was removed from your marriage due to accident or illness?

OP posts:

YogaLite · 11/12/2023 15:37

I guess depends on age.
I would say to have an open marriage assuming both want to stay together. But it could be a difficult conversation to have and if one side wants children etc then just go separate ways.

gamerchick · 11/12/2023 15:40

There are other ways to be intimate that doesn't involve penetration. It's not the be all and end all.

But I'm of the mind that anyone can leave a relationship for any reason and an open relationship is always an option of those needs must be met.

pponk · 11/12/2023 15:41

as above. I'd be intimate in other ways if possible and if nothing was possible at all then I'd just sort myself out ..but wouldn't feel the need to look elsewhere.

ArsenicInTheAppleTart · 11/12/2023 15:44

I think the ages of the people involved matters. It might matter less to you at 65 than at 35.

I’d explore all the ways to have a fulfilling sex life without penetration but if it was at the stage where any kind of sex life was impossible/unwanted by the other partner, well then I think an honest talk about an open relationship would be fair. Monogamy isn't the be-all and end-all.

MaMisled · 11/12/2023 15:45

I had radical vulval surgery aged 48 and we had to try and accept penetration would no longer be possible. We were actually able to resume 4 years later but, we were intimate in so many ways in the meantime and became closer than ever.

GigiAnnna · 11/12/2023 15:45

If it was because he didn't want me anymore it would be the end of the relationship. If it was because of a health condition and he still wanted intimacy I'd stay with him. As long as I could orgasm I'd be ok physically, but I think the main issue would be maintaining intimacy.

LBFseBrom · 11/12/2023 15:48

I would just love and care for them, doing my best to ensure that they feel cherished for themself and not just for sex. We would still be affectionate in other ways and share interests.

Looneytune253 · 11/12/2023 15:52

I would like to think no one would be so cold and callous to leave someone they loved because they were no longer able to have sex. It's different if they've just gone off it but if they were otherwise healthy and having a good sex life and it was taken away because of health reasons it would be very unreasonable to leave because of that. The vows are in sickness and in health and I think that should mean something

Ponderingwindow · 11/12/2023 15:54

Emotional and physical intimacy doesn’t have to be about sex.

Orgasms can happen solo or together as fits the situation.

Gettingbysomehow · 11/12/2023 15:54

I can't have sex any more - various problems mainly the agony of interstitial cystitis.
My formerly loving husband left me after being extremely nasty about it. I could not believe this was the man I married.
Just as well the house was mine and I have my own money. He walked out one day and I have seen or heard from him since, not one word except divorce papers in the post with loads of nasty stuff on.
I would have been quite happy for him to be polyamorous but he decided I was now worthless.
Lovely.

AltitudeCheck · 11/12/2023 15:54

I think it's hard if one person has sexual desire and the other doesn't. Unless it's handled carefully it can easily lead to the partner feeling rejected, losing their self esteem and feeling disconnected from their partner.

I think it is really helpful to broaden the definition of 'sex' away from PIV to include all kinds of intimacy, sensual touch and erotic encounters. Even if one partner can't have PIV /doesn't want to receive sexual gratification, if they are willing to maintain affection, intimacy, erotic connection I think a lasting relationship is possible. I think if that connection is lost it's easy to slip into feeling like friends / housemates and if one person needs more connection they're either miserable or going to seek it elsewhere.

DustyLee123 · 11/12/2023 15:55

I have stayed with DH so far, but I’m boiling with resentment over that and other things. I wish my DH had started a conversation, and offered to end it, but it’s been going on so long that it seems to be assumed I’d stay.
I now have no sex drive, but I wonder if I would with someone else.

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