I have an irrational hatred of been lied to

Christmasmishap · 2023-12-11T10:47:53+00:00

Even the whitest of white lies. I have a friend who's having a tough time, I invited him out for a thing I was going to with mutual friends. He's a nice man and he'd have been a good addition to the group, but I didn't really care if he came or not, I was just trying to do a nice thing and give him the opportunity, if it would help him. He replied that he was very grateful for the invite, but unfortunately already busy, next time. I said no worries, have fun and that was the end of it. But he's since admitted he didn't have plans at all just didn't want to go. I know, something people do all the time, but it bothers me for 2 reasons. If he's lied easily about that, what else is he lying about? E.g. He's confided some quite big things to me, which makes me do similar back, but what if it's all nonsense? I'd like to think my friends trust me enough to be able to tell me the truth and just say, thanks but I don't feel up tl it or don't fancy it. It's changed my opinion of him. It's the same with my DC and female friends, the smallest insignificant lies fill me with hurt and rage. Why can't people just be honest and how do I cope better with the fact that they're not?

tescocreditcard · 11/12/2023 10:49

Yeah I fucking hate it too. It's like they dont know that lyings wrong. Bizzare.

NigelHarmansNewWife · 11/12/2023 10:52

I don't think that's irrational. Some people are incapable of being upfront and saying what's really going on and think it's better not to tell the truth.

muddyford · 11/12/2023 10:53

It's very far from being irrational. Being told something when the facts lie elsewhere makes you not trust the person. And relationships are built on trust. So trust means no meaningful relationship because you are always wondering if what they say is true.

Original poster

Christmasmishap · 11/12/2023 10:57

NigelHarmansNewWife · 11/12/2023 10:52

I don't think that's irrational. Some people are incapable of being upfront and saying what's really going on and think it's better not to tell the truth.

But when posters here have something they don't want to go to, there will be pages of suggestions re suitable excuses lies. People seem to think it's a perfectly normal thing to do.

OP posts:

muddyford · 11/12/2023 10:57

...No trust...

ChristmasAgainWTAF · 11/12/2023 11:03

I'm on the fence with this one op tbh (I'm telling the truth!) I actually think a polite white lie is fine. The man said he was "busy", he hardly invented an elaborate excuse full of intricate details.
Alot of people actually do take offence if you say you just don't want to go. You're damned if you do and your damned if you don't. Some years ago I didn't want to go to the work Christmas party and told them I just didn't fancy it because I wasn't in the mood, couldn't make it etc.They winged on repeatedly about how I didn't want to spend time with them, why didn't I want to go, and what could I possibly be doing. In the end I had to firmly tell them to stop it because I had XYZ happening! At the time I had alot of personal issues going on and didn't wish to talk about it, or tell work every fine detail of my life. In hindsight it would have been bloody easier to have made a polite excuse than be forced to divulge personal information.

I don't feel you should have to justify why you don't want to go, and saying you can't make it should be enough, but it never is.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 11/12/2023 11:04

Christmasmishap · 11/12/2023 10:57

But when posters here have something they don't want to go to, there will be pages of suggestions re suitable excuses lies. People seem to think it's a perfectly normal thing to do.

Show quote history

I agree with you. These lies-as-excuses do seem to be all over MN - Johnny doesn't want to go to Jimmy's house to play, and the OP is told "Say he's got the dentist." Yeah, cos they're couldn't possibly be any repercussions from that, could there? Instead of, "Can we make it some other time?"
I'm with you, OP. But maybe your friend didn't want to offend you by turning you down without a good reason.

SgtBilko · 11/12/2023 11:22

People tell white lies because they don't want to offend you but I also don't particularly want to tell someone I'm depressed, stressed, anxious or that I hate large groups of people or whatever I am being invited to. I don't think you are obliged to reveal everything g about yourself.

ChristmasAgainWTAF · 11/12/2023 11:30

I also think you are bothered that this man didn't go no matter what he said, or this thread wouldn't be here.

KaySararSarar · 11/12/2023 11:43

I think I’d have to disagree, from his perspective he’d thought you wanted him to do something with you, he’s going through stuff right now (as you knew) so he just told a white lie as he didn’t want to hurt your feelings by saying the truth which was obviously he just didn’t want to go as likely isn’t up for it.

I’ll often get asked to do X or Y and it’s easier to say I’m busy rather than I don’t want to, a) as I don’t want to hurt the person and b) because they’ll try and convince me to go anyway if they know I’m free.

Im unsure why he would go on to tell you the truth though, agree that’s odd.

Original poster

Christmasmishap · 11/12/2023 11:46

ChristmasAgainWTAF · 11/12/2023 11:30

I also think you are bothered that this man didn't go no matter what he said, or this thread wouldn't be here.

Edited

No I wasn't bothered that he didn't go, I've seen him since 121 and we had a really lovely evening (when he admitted the lie). That's what bothers me, that I seemed to be developing feelings for someone I know lied to me.

OP posts:

sunshinesupermum · 11/12/2023 11:48

DD2 is the same as you OP. Utterly flies into a rage if lied to. But your friend was probably embarrassed to tell you he didn't want to go out. No biggie.

Newtonianmechanics · 11/12/2023 11:49

ChristmasAgainWTAF · 11/12/2023 11:03

I'm on the fence with this one op tbh (I'm telling the truth!) I actually think a polite white lie is fine. The man said he was "busy", he hardly invented an elaborate excuse full of intricate details.
Alot of people actually do take offence if you say you just don't want to go. You're damned if you do and your damned if you don't. Some years ago I didn't want to go to the work Christmas party and told them I just didn't fancy it because I wasn't in the mood, couldn't make it etc.They winged on repeatedly about how I didn't want to spend time with them, why didn't I want to go, and what could I possibly be doing. In the end I had to firmly tell them to stop it because I had XYZ happening! At the time I had alot of personal issues going on and didn't wish to talk about it, or tell work every fine detail of my life. In hindsight it would have been bloody easier to have made a polite excuse than be forced to divulge personal information.

I don't feel you should have to justify why you don't want to go, and saying you can't make it should be enough, but it never is.

Edited

I agree with this. People judge you for not wanting to do things. This just saves face and feelings.

IsItOverYetAndCanIComeOutNow · 11/12/2023 11:51

I might say I’m busy if I don’t want to go out & don’t want the all-too common ‘cajoling’ that often follows a declined invitation. In my mind I am busy… busy doing nothing.

DeltaAlphaDelta79 · 11/12/2023 11:52

SgtBilko · 11/12/2023 11:22

People tell white lies because they don't want to offend you but I also don't particularly want to tell someone I'm depressed, stressed, anxious or that I hate large groups of people or whatever I am being invited to. I don't think you are obliged to reveal everything g about yourself.

This for me too!

LadyBird1973 · 11/12/2023 11:55

I think that what your friend did was excusable as a social nicety, to avoid causing offence. It would be different I think, if he'd made elaborate made up stories to get out of going. A simple 'I have plans already' is okay. I don't even view it as lying since he did have plans, even if they were only to sit on his own sofa and watch Netflix!

I do agree though that routine lying is very disrespectful. Some people lie as easily as they breathe, to get themselves out of trouble when they've knowingly been an arse and just don't want to experience the deserved consequences. I do lose respect for people like that.

I think intent is key - if it's just to smooth the path of social interaction then I don't mind so much, but if it's to dodge accountability then I agree either way you.

itsmyp4rty · 11/12/2023 12:08

I hate lying, but the sort which is just a very superficial nicety I've kind of given into. Sometimes it's just easier to say you're busy then to say you just don't want to.

Isitperi · 11/12/2023 12:21

I’m the same. I never ever lie and I never expect to be lied to. If someone lies to me that’s it I cut them out of my life. I like everything to be factually correct and the truth and I won’t accept anything less. I also struggle hugely with injustice and get involved in things too often trying to address this it’s a real issue for me and always has been