I want to preface this by saying i am generally a decently happy person. I don't like to moan about my situation because i know that there are many people who are much more worse off that i am. So please don't think i am being inconsiderate to those who are suffering in other ways. Thank you.
For 25 years I have lived with a multitude of mental health conditions that have basically changed the direction of my life in an incomprehensible way. When i was growing up, being like this was definitely not in my life plans. (I have had therapy for my main problems more times that i can count, plus the last time i requested help after months of waiting, i was given the news that i am (and i quote) "Too complex". There's no more help for me.))
The way i am has ruined every single relationship i have ever had, not because my illnesses cause me to be violent or abusive, just because its challenging to spend time or be with someone like me, so i get that when i am struggling why i am friendless without a relationship.
That being said, it doesn't mean that i don't (on the odd occasion) get sad about it. It makes me feel that i am not a good enough person to have people around me, which in turn makes me feel guilty for being unwell and has made me feel like i no longer want to be on this earth. I don't enjoy being like this, however, i navigate my way through life, the best i can.
Around Christmas, New Year, even though i don't particularly enjoy it (too much trauma around this time), its still a time of year when its nice to have a partner, friends etc, but i spend it solo.
have been single years now, but since my last relationship was such a giant shit fest of constant abuse, sometimes verbal, always emotional and mental, with added gaslighting and resentment (from him), i am terrified of putting myself out there again. He was one of these men that said everything that i wanted to hear, like he'd support me, be there etc etc, but in actual fact, it was part of his 'love bombing' because he didn't mean any of it.
I know i can't think that all men are the same, but when most of them have had the same traits, i think my choice is screwed up and that if i get it wrong again, it'll end me. I am genuinely terrified of going through the hell again that i went through for nearly 4 years. He was always dumping me, then getting back, because he knew as i was vulnerable he could do what he wanted and i would always be there. This was almost every month, sometimes twice a month. He broke my heart so many times and it took me a while to heal from the emotional and mental abuse i received. Luckily therapy did help get over him but it didn't heal my fear of it happening again.
What i am basically trying to say in a very long winded roundabout way for which i apologise is that like the title says, life is hard. I am not without every day stresses like others, money problems, physical health problems, family problems, i currently stay with my mother, partly because of my illness and partly because i am helping her as my step father is in the later stages of Alzheimer's and its hard for her to manage with him on top of managing a house, which is why i am there, to do that for her, plus she's not in tip top condition either... and on top of that i have the added bonus of being completely and utterly fucking nuts and i have no one (apart from my dear old mum who i can't ever talk to about this stuff as she's elderly and i wouldn't ever put this on her and i also have my son who's autistic who obviously doesn't have the capacity to show empathy plus he has his own issues that nearly caused him to take his own life (thank god someone stopped him).
I wish i just had more people around me, who cared enough to stick around. I am not a bad person, i love helping people, making them happy, even if its just to stand and have a 10 minute chat with them. Its simply because my conditions make me not worth the effort and that is heartbreaking.
Sorry for the long drawn out post, but its late and as normal, i have insomnia....and when you spend time awake, the mind ruminates...
If you got this far, thank you for reading.