My life's a shitshow. I've been suicidal. I'm under the doctor. I've been given sertraline. But a ten minute GP appointment isn't going to cut it.
Every part of my life is awful but I don't know where to start in fixing it.
(1) My marriage is abusive. Not physically, and there's no screaming at each other, but I've been ground down, and I'm now a shell of myself. I need to leave but I can't afford to. In the past he's threatened suicide if I left. We own a house but only for the last 4 years. I couldn't afford the mortgage myself.
(2) DD is in college. Only attends about 30% of the time. Off the rails. Probably due to unhappy home.
(3) I got a law degree & LPC 20 years ago but never used it. I've done low-paid call centre types of jobs. I need to retrain, but no idea what. Maybe cybersecurity. I don't know we where to start. I thought maybe apprenticeships. I've volunteered with citizens advice for a few years, but it's so fucking depressing because we can't help most people. I stopped after I couldn't stop crying when I got home, thinking about the cases. For that reason I wouldn't want to do family/criminal related law.
I'm not good at anything.
(4) I'm too depressed to get out of bed most days. I've started sertraline, but I was told I need to take it in the morning with food. I struggle to eat. So I'll say ‘I will have it with food’ then don't eat, so I don't take it. I was told not to take it after 6pm as you won't sleep. Some days I wouldn't have had anything by then. In the month since I've got the prescription I've taken it maybe 4 times, so I know I've messed up.
(5) I had an online job but I ghosted them. I'm so ashamed but I just couldn't cope. I got in touch to apologise and do some volunteer things (it's an animal charity) but I couldn't face them, and after a few days I ghosted again.
(6) I have cut off all my friends and acquaintances. The last I spoke to any was years ago. I never respond to texts. I feel ashamed of how shitty my life is. I know I look like shit too. I'm so lonely and unhappy. I volunteer twice a week at a different animal charity. It's about the only time I have human interaction and at least I know I'm out of the house twice a week and brush my teeth, have a shower and change into fresh clothes.
(7) I have a hoarding problem. It's not so bad as some, and the actual house is not so bad, not overflowing, but I can't even open the garage. The thought of having to sort it all makes me feel sick.
(8) My parents are stately homes types, so no support from them. I once told them how bad things were with my marriage but they've just sort of pretended I never said anything.
(9) I know everyone says they have it, but I've done a lot of research and I think I may be on the autistic spectrum. Also ADHD. I can't get the energy to take steps to address symptoms.
(10) We sleep in separate bedrooms, and I'm in the box room. My room is a ‘depression nest’. I've been sleeping on the mattress without a sheet for 2 weeks because I put one in the wash but I don't have the energy to put a fresh one on. The room is full of empty cups, plates and crisp packets. I'm so ashamed.
(11) Laundry. There's an enormous pile of clean laundry on the sofa. I just can't face putting it away. I stopped doing DD’s laundry and DH also reluctantly does his own, so it is all mine. I spent half an hour on it one day, and it still looks the same.
(12) Housework. DH refuses to do anything. Maybe once a week he will make spag bol /chilli con carne or a full English (the three things he can make). Even when I was working full time he refused to do housework. DD refuses to do any. The bathroom is all mouldy and dirty. The kitchen floor is sticky and I want to cry. We live on toast and cereal. DH and DD eat their main meal at lunch, out of the house. Before we got married he was ‘modern’ but he's the worst kind of 1950s man now.
(13) I don't have any savings or pension and this keeps me awake worrying as I'm mid 40s.
(14) I'm not white and I was the victim of an unprovoked racist attack which was in the papers several years ago. They never caught the guy. I'm physically recovered but I'm always hyper vigilant. And when I interact with people I'm always thinking, is this person racist?
What I've tried to do
I've tried to go for walks to improve my mood, exercise, yoga, meditation, etc. I just can't do it. I made a whole daily routine, with a bit of job hunting, housework, exercise, etc. I can't stick to it. Just the thought of it makes me feel like a failure.
I've seen three therapists in the last 5 years. Two were CBT and I don't know what the other was. And honestly after the sessions ended I feel like I'm in a worse state than when I started.
I need advice, please. Where do I start?