Teen DC being difficult - can't tell if I'm overreacting or not

[1newname]

I don't want to type out everything or it would be pages long but right now I feel like my dc are spoilt little brats and we've gone horribly wrong somewhere.

Just briefly, 17 year old ds1 barely attends 6th form, doesn't have a job and is addicted to weed. We lost it with him last week when he got a dealer to deliver right near our house. He's done it before and we were clear never to do it again. He is now getting no pocket money as a consequence.

15 year old Ds2 is less difficult in general but has started skipping school regularly. As in we leave the house with him dressed and ready to go and then he doesn't. We've talked about it, got cross and now started taking away pocket money. I'm at a loss. They're both sitting in the living room now basically saying we are always punishing them, why don't we just leave them to it etc and acting like we are the ones in the wrong. I'm now in the bedroom crying. I've had enough. They have a nice life with 2 parents who love them. Before anyone says I'm enabling the weed addiction by giving money, I know but it's not as easy as it sounds to cut him off completely. I feel like I can't win. Has anyone gone through this and ended up with lovely, reasonable adult children? Does this sound like typical teenagers?

And regarding ds1 and 6th form, we've had regular contact with the school and the last meeting we had they basically said he us still likely to do well in his exams so can't justify kicking him out.

I think it sounds like DS1 is modelling behaviour DS2 is starting to copy. I would explain this calmly to DS1 and say that whilst he is over 16 so you have limited control over what he does it is now affecting DS2 so he sorts himself out or leaves the family home.

As a minimum I would tell DS1 I expect no weed smoking in the house and he attends 6th form every day. That is not an unreasonable amount to expect in return for free bed and board.

No advice, we're right in the trenches with you but I found this article reassuring so thought I'd share.

https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/nov/26/is-teen-ternity-leave-just-a-new-way-to-make-mothers-feel-guilty

On the whole I think teenagers do need boundaries to test or the behaviour will escalate.

We are giving them minimal money. We've told them we think they should have more but can't fund xyz, but they do need some money. The flip side is they have a really nice peer group and I would rather they were doing stuff with them which in general seems wholesome (for which money is needed) than stuck in their bedroom bored and going down internet rabbit holes.

Yes I agree about the copying his brother.

He did smoke weed in the house repeatedly, which was one of the reasons he's been punished over the last 2 years. He likes to pretend we're just too strict though.

@OceanicBoundlessness great article!

Another thought. Is he enjoying 6th form?

I've got to say that ds is doing a vocational course that he loves and so there's his incentive to go. It was a struggle to get him to school.

Might it be worth discussing whether there's something that he'd prefer to do?
Has he got friends? Is he hanging out with them?.

They get 3 years funded further education to 19 so he could jump on to something he enjoys more.

I think there is not as much opportunity for teens to be with sensible adults they look up to and respect who can give them a different perspective so teen life tends to be a bit of an angsty bubble. A vocational course has brought in more of these adults and life experience in general.

If your ds2 just sees more school drudgery ahead because ds1 isn't enjoying it, then he's got less incentive to stick in.

This is a good shout.

My 16 year old DS is doing an apprenticeship and honestly the change in him is remarkable.

He comes home and tells me all these things his gaffer has said to him (general life advise etc) which is exactly the same things we have been saying to him but obviously it means more when its not from Mum and Dad.

He's not particularly enjoying 6th form, no. But he does his exams in May and he's adamant he doesn't want to leave. We've suggested other options and he's not interested. He's got lots of friends but he's gone from going out regularly to mostly getting high by himself. I find it sad and worrying but he says he's happy as he is.

Ds2 likely does see it as drudgery but he's got to at least get his GCSEs! I left school at 14 and regret it.

I think there is not as much opportunity for teens to be with sensible adults they look up to and respect who can give them a different perspective so teen life tends to be a bit of an angsty bubble. A vocational course has brought in more of these adults and life experience in general.

I agree with this.

I would do absolutely anything to steer them away from weed. Up to and including removing all funds, phones, privileges and treats. If they end up addicted it's a long road back to an independent life. You are absolutely not overreacting.

Have you called the police about dealers preying on teenagers?

I've tried my best to stop him but it's impossible. We've told him about the risks, punished, argued etc.