Sign of dementia or just self absorbed?

[maudeskarenina]

My mother in her early 70's is slower than she once was but I am noticing that if we are talking she is happy to chat away about herself, what she has been watching or doing but if I tell her a bit of news about my friend or about something I have read or seen she very visibly loses interest looking fed up or starts to look at her phone almost immediately. She used to love hearing about my friend having a baby or other such news now its like she is thinking, why are you telling me this.

I don't know if it is just he being impatient or self absorbed or if there is another cause. I also notice she doesn't call me as much as she used to and if we do speak on the phone she will often hand the phone over to my Father after 10 minutes which is odd as she used to call me and talk for ages.

I worry it is the start of some kind of cognitive decline. The other possibility is deafness although mostly she seems to hear fine or is it just that kind of self absorption that happens to some older people as they age?

Can you speak to your dad about it to see if he’s noticed any difference? If she used to be interested I doubt she’s just randomly become self absorbed, it’s not a standard trait of older people. Hearing difficulties may make sense, especially if she’s struggling on the phone.

I have noticed quite a few older people getting kind of self absorbed as they age, not in a nasty way but just that their world has shrunk a bit. I think it could be her hearing.

My dad has dementia. I think its really hard to tell, because everyone is different. For instance, my dad is way more happier/ chilled out than he has ever been, but not everyone is like that. As per PP said, have a chat with your dad and keep an eye on things. The GP can do a simple test that might indicate dementia.

I don't know what the reason is but my mum who is also early 70s has started behaving similarly since lockdown. On one memorable occasion I was telling her about how hellish ICU was at work (Jan 21) and she just said "oh dear" and then told me about all the holidays she and my dad had cancelled because of covid.

Nowadays she will text me about the most inane minutiae of her life but never asks after me or my kids. My sister says the same. It's odd.

My grandmother had vascular dementia and became very self absorbed and selfish.

It started gradually (actually a couple of years before her stroke and then eventual diagnosis) and started with things like her making comments to people about being jealous of her sisters, her wanting to be in the middle of everything etc.
the only person she was okay with was my dd who she became slightly obsessed with.

@mommatoone Thanks, my Mother is typically not very chilled out these days at all. I don't know quite what the issue is but I will keep an eye on it. Its a real struggle to get her to see a doctor.

@Reallybadidea Yes that's exactly it, its very strange. I sometimes feel like she can't cope with all that "extra information" but I don't know.

My mother has dementia too - no diagnosis as yet, but her whole family and all her friends know what's up. I would say self-centeredness was one of the earliest symptoms of cognitive decline that I noticed.

It started as you describe and is now very pronounced. She always immediately brings the conversation back to herself and one of her standard phrases or anecdotes. She's good at imparting the information she knows, but she can't follow or process any new information.

Has your mum shown any other signs? Mine also made lots of notes and occasionally had trouble finding words at that stage.

I agree with @KittensSchmittens self-centredness and lack of empathy were early signs of dementia with my mother too, she was in her late 70s. She had no hearing problems, the issues were with comprehension/focus and a lack of interest in anyonelse.

@henrysugar12 I think someone on my mums side had vascular dementia but I am not sure if it runs in families, worrying though.

@KittensSchmittens Sorry to hear about your Mum, my Mum isn't showing too many other signs like needing to make lots of notes or forgetting words but she is kind of ratty and impatient with things and having to learn how to work a new washing machine for example but perhaps she's always been a bit like that. She's fallen for a few scams of late, nothing too serious but her old self would never have fallen for any scam she was so sharp in the past.

Look for other signs. Like telling the same story three of four times within half an hour. And asking the same question over and over again. What time are we leaving. Three or four minutes later same question again. And again. And again. Not knowing what day it is. No concept of time. The selfishness thing might not be a sign of dementia. But it could be.

Hmm. My mum is mid 70s and has been doing this more and more. When I call her, she monologues for about 15 minutes before asking me how I am. And then she takes the first opportunity to start talking about herself again- she interrupts before I can say more than a few words. I have been slightly concerned that it could be an early sign of dementia, but I think it’s more likely that she’s just lonely. Her marriage isn’t great- my stepdad is increasingly difficult and withdrawn- and I think since covid her social skills have deteriorated a bit. She has ALWAYS repeated the same anecdotes over and over again, but she does increasingly ask the same questions over and over. She’ll ask where and when my next holiday is every week for months, and receives it as new information each time. But I think that’s more that she doesn’t so much listen as wait for her next opportunity to speak.

I don't think it is necessarily a sign of cognitive decline. I notice my mum has cut back on worrying about her children since she hit 70 (my dad never did ). It was most obvious during the pandemic when I was being pulled into bits between work (NHS), parenting a 4 year old (single parent), childcare (limited) and honestly, there was nothing she could do about any of it but...she was so airy and carefree in assuring me that I would be fine. I was barely fine, and in the past she would have picked up on that.

I think her resources have declined. Her sight is failing, she's had cardiac arrythmia, several friends have died, and I think she has just moved on to a phase where she is detaching from things she used to care about. She no longer has the bandwidth to deal with all our shit, which is fair enough.

Maybe she thinks you are not listening to her ? It can be lonely in old age with not that many people to chat to and maybe she thinks you have always talked about yourself more than she did.
If not that then yes it could be start of cognitive impairment. Mums first signs were mood changes and memory loss. I think yes it could impact her ability to listen and follow a conversation like she used to be able to. If she does have it I recommend reading up as much as possible and watch films about it . The more you understand about it the less frustration you will feel and the more empathy you will have for her.

Mine also falls for scams left right and centre.

I think early dementia can be more subtle than repeating yourself several times within a short time frame and forgetting things.

There were more personality changes than anything, like being egocentric to the point of rudeness, interrupting and talking at/over people, getting irritable over minor things, becoming extremely fixed and rigid about daily routine, leaving family gatherings early or spending a whole family dinner on her phone. It mainly looked like rudeness.

Not necessarily, but a change like that can be a sign of dementia, yes. With my Dad's Alzheimers one of the first signs I noticed was phone conversations shortening. He no longer had the cognitive capacity to follow a longer conversation, and his topics of conversation reduced as his short term memory declined. He could also remember things that he had done, better than he could remember things he had been told.

My mum, now in her 80s, definitely monologues and doesn't have much interest in other people's news, but she's always been like that. It's just become more pronounced with age.

So it's the change in behaviour that I would say was significant. Sorry for saying that, because I know no one wants to hear a relative might have dementia. However, my family were in denial for a long time about my Dad's illness and with the benefit of hindsight, I would say trust your instincts on this.

No this isn't true at all I am not actually huge talker but and quite introverted and my mum would always encourage me to say more if anything. I also quite on purpose try to avoid talking with her about things I think she would find stressful or upsetting. I also am pretty happy to listen to her talk about herself as I do think she is lonely at times but most conversation typically relies on at least a little back and forth as opposed to a monolog.

I could be partly that and I don't really expect her to take on too much, for example she used to put a lot into christmas but these days can't be fussed which is fair enough.

I do think though that my mum no longer having the bandwidth is a symptom of decline which is fair enough in many ways if she is ok and just slipping into old age but I do want to be aware if it does seem to be dementia which will impact on her life.

I don't know if it's a sign of dementia or just tiredness maybe not having the social energy to converse properly.
My MIL has done this for years and I know she doesn't have dementia she just likes to talk about herself and monologues.
However the bit about handing you over to your dad sounds odd if she used to chat longer.
My friend was telling me her mum was similar recently just goes on about her ailments and doesn't ask anything about her daughter's life/work/friends.

I think my mum is going this way too. One thing I have really noticed is that she can talk a lot about what her life was like as a child, her school, her parents etc but if I ask her what I was like at school (I would like to compare her experiences of me starting secondary school with my own dd who has started this year) she find it hard to recall that, and in fact will start talking about when she was a child again. It's as though a whole chunk of her younger adult life has been relegated to the deepest reaches of her mind.

Today when I spoke to my mum, I said I was really worried that I won’t make it to a family party because my husband has come down with a cold. She said “oh dear, take care of yourself, I must be going”. I said, oh, don’t you want to talk to me then, and she replied “well not if you’re going to be all doom and misery, no!”. This is after I’ve listened to all her moaning and barely got a word in for months…