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Original poster

How to be OK with not having a third child

22 replies

MooQuackNeigh · 09/12/2023 15:45

My head is in massive conflict with my heart. I physically crave a third child, My eldest has SEN and there is an element of wanting another sibling for DD who will give her a more standard sibling relationship and also im 36 and there may be an element of running out of time but mainly I just WANT it. The thought of being a few years older and looking back and regretting it is weighing on me to the point of tears most nights.

Practically though, i really want to be happy with what I have. DS is 6 and DD is 4 and its all lovely and perfect, we have a three bed house so a room each, everyone fits in the car. Probably the main reason is i have a business that is just starting to be successful and it I'm scared that another baby will throw that off course and my clients will abandon me, i will lose the progress I have made. The business is entirely based on a skill i have so i cant pass it on to someone else.

There are so many reasons not to have a third child, Money isn't really an issue but DH is 47 and would find another one a lot though i think i could convince him. My first two were probably easy on the scale of difficulty and i'm scared that number 3 would be much harder, I didn't enjoy pregnancy, birth and early weeks, struggled with the lack of sleep. Im also worried that we are older and there is a higher chance of genetic issues (DS has a chromosome issue).

I swing between OK and devastated about it all. Can anyone offer advice about how to decide?

OP posts:

WiltshireMama · 09/12/2023 20:59

Hello MooQuackNeigh!
I am with you! DH and I have decided to try for baby 3 from March (due to ensuring I could subsidise my income from savings during maternity) but I am having the same concerns. I'm 33 so a little younger and DH is 35) but I have endometriosis and had six MC between DD (almost 6 and SEN) and DS (2.5 and possibly Autistic) so I'm concerned time is not in my favour. We have a three bed house (first home we bought three months ago) and neither of us have big cars... I am torn between a third being too much space wise, time wise, and for the two I have, but we have a desire for a large family as the wonderful moments are rich at the moment. I worry about having to put my DD and DS in the same room when the third is 1... and needing to move to a 4 bed before DD is 10 so she has her own privacy... but if we don't do it now, I don't think we will as the gap between DS and a newborn would be too great to start over again. My body though, much like yours, NEEDS a baby and I do think it would be wonderful once the sleepless nights and logistics are worked out. It is hard though...I too have my own business, but also a FTJ... but my clients would be ok if I had to take some time off - bar one that is posting social media three times a week, but I feel I could plan for that - could you plan ahead to give you some time off with baby once born?
Lot's of questions and things to discuss!

Finful · 09/12/2023 21:12

I think you would make your life stressful. If DC3 had SEN - they could have more profound needs than your son. And you would still have your son and your daughter to think about, and you and your marriage. Your house wouldn’t accommodate another without having to move eventually. I would really focus on what you have though I know it’s hard. Also DH would be mid to late 60s by the time they became an adult. I don’t think that is too fair on the DC. Your daughter will be fine - she has you, and she can build all sorts of a support network with good friends and presumably extended family if you have any.

43ontherocksporfavor · 09/12/2023 21:16

The 3 rd may have Sen too. Two DC is a blessing, be grateful.I had my two DC at 29 and 33. Both are NT but now 23 & 19 and believe me the teenage and young adult stages are still bloody hard at times.

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PangramAddict · 09/12/2023 21:20

My friend with three teenagers told me about the Xmas shopping that started with a pair of air force 1 trainers each £400 odd gone straight away. And that made me feel a lot better about having two!

Elfnsafetyhat · 09/12/2023 21:26

No more sleepless nights, toddler tantrums, carting baby equipment around….sounds like bliss to me!

Original poster

MooQuackNeigh · 09/12/2023 21:27

Ds SEN isn't inherited just unlucky so another child isn't more likely to then any other child. Yes I'm concerned about dh age. He will already be 60 or so when DC are late teens.

I have a half brother who my dad had in his 50s and dad is now mid 70s and getting elderly while my brother is still in uni, my step mum died.

OP posts:

Original poster

MooQuackNeigh · 09/12/2023 21:29

I keep having a circular thought pattern, oh just settle for what I have, then I feel so so sad and start thinking about how we could accommodate another.

DC are very happily sharing a room (they share at weekends) as they like it so number 3 would be in one of their rooms until it was old enough to share with same sex child

OP posts:

ghostbusters · 09/12/2023 21:31

Thinking ahead to the future, do you see yourself with 3 kids/adult children? Are you just craving one more pregnancy and newborn baby?

I've seen similar posts on MN. One phrase that sticks in my mind is thinking about being able to thrive rather than survive regardless of how many kids you have. Would 1 more child tip you over the edge to surviving rather than thriving?

FWIW I have 2 kids. If I could guarantee having a home birth, I'd have another baby tomorrow, no question. But I have come to realise I just want that birth to heal what has happened before. I don't actually want noww kids. I'm happy to stop at 2.

It really is head over heart.

AnonyLonnymouse · 09/12/2023 21:38

I am one of three (all girls, fairly large gaps) and as I go through my own parenting journey I do look more critically at the parenting we experienced.

My parents were (on the whole) good and committed parents but there were still times during our childhood when each of us was overlooked in quite a significant way - for example, medical issues that were not treated until they became an emergency; educational glitches that were ignored because another one of us was at a crucial moment. As parents they just seemed to be spread too thin. We were all good, studious girls and did well, but what if we had needed more support? One of my siblings has long term MH issues and the signs were already there in the teenage years. Fatigue also seemed to set in: by the time I was mid teens my parents were in their fifties, had already been parenting for twenty-odd years and still had another decade to go!

Best wishes with whatever you decide.

KCSIE · 09/12/2023 21:40

I would love a third. I'm one of 3 myself and we all adore each other. We joke that we each have a fall back sibling!

Anyway, we're only having two. I've made my peace with that now. My youngest is only 7m and my eldest is 3. I'm approaching 40 and DH is already on the wrong side of that.

I had a number of miscarriages across both TTC journeys, when we conceived my 7m old, we'd agreed that was the last active TTC we were going to do because the heart ache and loss and everything that comes with another failed cycle was too much. My work suffered, my MH suffered, my family suffered. So we are (have?) ended our journey into childbearing with a positive outcome. Two beautiful children. Making peace with that decision to stick at two is quite healing in itself.

Ladyj84 · 09/12/2023 21:41

I don't see what your age has to do with it I'm almost 40 and had 3 in last 2 years lol..we have 4 and wouldn't change our happy family. All we had to change was a bigger car lol

Crooklodge · 09/12/2023 21:54

MooQuackNeigh · 09/12/2023 21:29

I keep having a circular thought pattern, oh just settle for what I have, then I feel so so sad and start thinking about how we could accommodate another.

DC are very happily sharing a room (they share at weekends) as they like it so number 3 would be in one of their rooms until it was old enough to share with same sex child

My dd 7 at the time was absolutely desperate for her twin siblings (our dc3 = lucky us we got two) to share her room. Due to me becoming disabled we haven't been able to move as planned so dd now 13 is sharing with two annoying 9yos.

don't be naive.

Original poster

MooQuackNeigh · 09/12/2023 22:18

No I wasn't clear. The kids have a room each now and ask to share at weekends. Baby would use one of their rooms until they got old enough to share.

Yes it's visualising the older child that is what is driving me. I didn't enjoy the baby stage at all but I will be sad not to have a third around the table in 5-10 years.

Im ashamed to admit that I always wanted two and it's my son's diagnosis which is making me almost feel like I have 'lost' a child. I'm grieving the adult relationship I likely won't have which makes me feel like shit because he's right here in my arms. I've had therapy about this but as I tell my therapist, I'm just sad about a sad thing, there's nothing to fix it's a perfectly rational response.

We are well off I think, current earn 70k between us with 14k a year passive income. I earn about 10k part time but scope to grow. Expect to be mortgage free in a few years. Live frugally with lots of savings and spend on the important things. Both have decent earning power and could afford for either of us not to work if needed. Have critical illness cover, life insurance in place. It's not about affordability.

OP posts:

Original poster

MooQuackNeigh · 09/12/2023 22:20

If it were suprise twins the splitting our master would be doable.

OP posts:

AnonyLonnymouse · 10/12/2023 00:04

To add to my first post, I grew up in a large 5 bed house, but it wasn’t space that was the factor it was time and attention.

One of my parents was diagnosed with a serious illness when I was 10, so that almost certainly impacted their energy and ability to manage - even if they never admitted it.

Would they have had three children if they had known? It’s impossible to say.

Flyhigher · 10/12/2023 00:10

Third child will mean so much extra stress. Your daughter will be sandwiched in between.

Flyhigher · 10/12/2023 00:12

Having said that I understand the Sen first child argument.

MeinKraft · 10/12/2023 00:17

Sometimes I think i would like a third and then I think about the sleepless nights, the endless nappies, the toll pregnancy takes on my body and mind, the work and the worry, and worst of all even more biff, chip and kipper and I just think maybe I'll just content myself with what I have.

FatFatMary · 10/12/2023 00:21

I sympathise with you and I feel the same way, I want another child. But I’m mid- thirties, single and currently studying for a degree. It just doesn’t seem feasible to me. My advice to you is that if there’s any way you can make it work, go for it.

2turtledoves · 10/12/2023 00:30

If your anything like me & most women I know yoir brain will
Influence you to keep having children until you drop. I'm now just past childbearing age yet I still crave one more child. Settle with what you have & give them a great lifestyle 😊

KCSIE · 11/12/2023 00:30

@MeinKraft great reference to biff, chip and kipper!!! 😂

tillyscan1 · 11/12/2023 01:57

I'm in exactly the same position at the moment - we have a lovely little 4 year old girl who was born with a de novo chromosome deletion and has a lot of developmental delays (can't talk, can't walk), and now have an 11m old boy who is an absolute joy. I totally understand the 'lost' child feeling that you have (and don't think feeling this way is anything to be ashamed about, it's a natural reaction to a very, very shit situation). We're also debating now whether we should go for a third too. As I see it, it's going to be a lot to fall on one child's shoulders as they get older and having a sibling would help share the load a bit, but I do worry about spreading myself too thinly in the shorter term...

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