Finding him hard to cope with

[Strawberrylacess]

Hello,

I am 28 years old, have been with partner for 8 years. 2 young children.

He has become the most negative person I know and I am finding it so hard to cope with. He moans all the time, is always worrying about something.

I find myself treading on eggshells a lot - I modify my behaviour and what I say so he doesn't turn funny.

I feel like I can never be poorly or run down myself because he can't cope if I go down - he gets even worse and ends up coincidentally having something wrong with him too.

He moans about money all the time - but somehow has money to smoke and put bets on football.

He takes a lot out on me too. Today, he had a big sulk that his family are never around for Christmas. He went in on me about how he isn't coming to my 'pissing families' house this year as it's 'so crap' and he is going elsewhere. Then said he wants to just stay at home - but naturally he isn't contributing to any of the food expenses as he has 'no money' - so that would be me paying for it.

He suddenly turns like that and will just start an argument out of nowhere - I feel like I breath better when he is out.

I feel so stuck.

I used to have a partner who acted like this. I stayed because I was raised to think that being ‘a good woman’ meant being understanding and supportive and solving other people’s problems. Eventually he decided to leave me because I dared say that I was unhappy. He shacked up with someone else two months later. I left the relationship with nothing because I’d been financially abused.

Don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Have a word with him about how his behaviour makes you feel and come armed with suggestions as to how he can change. Be prepared for him not accepting this and lashing out at you but know that you are better off without him if he won’t change.

That is how I feel - I make sure everyone else is okay but myself. I tell myself it's for the sake of the children but it's also because I cannot be bothered to deal with his moods.

Without literally being him then I suppose I can’t know but it sounds like he uses his moods as a way to control you. If you won’t enable and facilitate his lifestyle then he’ll just throw a strop until you do. It is understandable that you walk on eggshells; it must be very stressful to deal with his poor behaviour.

Do you have any friends or family in your real life to talk to about this? Cos they will know him and you and maybe they will be able to offer some practical support and advice on changing things. The only thing is, if you tell them he’s like this and then stay together, the friends or family members may never trust him again. That could be awkward.

I am now with a man (married actually) who strongly wants me to value myself and he says I’m his partner, not his maid. He appreciates me cleaning and cooking but he’d prefer I put my education and career first. It has been a revelation for me. I believe that too many men are raised to see women as caregivers and that this is what men expect in a partner: a cook, a cleaner, a nanny, a therapist, a PA and now even a breadwinner! It is very tough for women because they are socialised as young girls that their role is to support others and everyone expects this from them.

I am sorry you are in this situation. It may be a simple case of talking to your partner or just putting yourself first and ignoring his moods. I hope things improve, it sounds very stressful.

i saw someone wrote on a post on here 'Women are not rehab centers for broken men' and it has really resonated with me.

I feel like I am just here to make his life better. I don't know why I think this is what my life should be.

Yes i know what you mean about discussing with people in real life.

I did speak with my sister this morning, and she said there is a better life out there if you want it.

It’s good that your sister agrees with you. That’s the positive of speaking to people in real life; they actually know if you’re being unreasonable or not as they know you and your partner.

I think it sounds like you’ve reached the point of realising you’re throwing your life away on him. When you feel strong enough then talk to him to see if he can change. If not, make sure you’re set up to leave. Work out what your living situation and finances would look like without him and form a plan for if he won’t change when you discuss your unhappiness with him.

I think it’s great that you are valuing yourself enough to think in this way. It’s easy to get beaten down into thinking your place is just to minimise yourself and that you’re not worth anything. You are worth as much as any other person and I hope your next steps yield some results xx

Go to your family at Christmas and leave him at home seeing as he doesn't want to see them. He can feed himself.

You need to leave, he's not going to change.

What's stopping you leaving, in practical terms?

it's money sadly.

I don't know how anyone lives on one salary with children.

In an ideal world, he would leave the house but I don't know if he would which would leave me to try and I don't know where i'd go.

It's tough isn't it. You have my huge sympathies.

Do you own the house or rent? Who's named as the owner(s) / tennant(s)?

That is tricky. You’re right that one salary with children is brutal. I don’t have children so I have no idea about child benefit and child maintenance unfortunately. I wonder if it could be worth posting on the divorce sub forum here to ask for advice on finances after a break up? Maybe there are certain rules about who gets the house and they could advise there.

Also, could you live with your parents or sister for a bit to build yourself up?

You may be able to get help if you go it alone, benefits etc. Ring us at Womens Aid, confidentially. We can advise

I’ve been with my partner (we’re not married, my choice) for 30 yrs and have finally hit the wall. He’s always been quite a difficult person at home (outside he’s one of those that people continually say ‘you’re so lucky’ ) but I’ve now reached the end of my tether and think now is the only time I can act. We have always seemed to rub against each other and his behaviour is difficult -he constantly makes digs about how I don’t do things properly and if he drinks he’s an absolute night mare -coming home being really loud and disruptive and rude. He’s also extremely racist and getting worse. This week I endured an evening watching tv where he just very loudly said ‘black’ every time someone non white came on the tv and wouldn’t stop trying to draw me into an argument about race at every opportunity, he came home last night having had a few drinks and was rude and unpleasant generally and refused to isolate away from our daughter who is at risk (as he had COVID) asserting that she’d definitely given it to him even though she had no symptoms and tested negative-I’ve too felt rough as I’ve had COVID. International women’s day yesterday he described as ‘bull**) every weekend I seem to sit around thinking this needs to end -it’s like Groundhog Day -We’re v lucky we have a nice house, I earn well he’s got a few debts but also works. If we split my salary would enable me to get a house and mortgage but his wouldn’t BUT he is just about to get his pension (taking it early) so if e we split now I know that would enable him to afford a house. Should I take this opportunity to split. I’m in my early 50s but have still got a few years left at work - if I don’t do it now…..