Bereavement near Christmas

[mids2019]

Has anyone had experience of deaths of relatively elderly family members near Christmas? It look like the period for giving condolences will pretty much coincide with traditional festive gatherings so I guess the question is have people continued to meet up in a festive present giving partying type of way or have they fundamentally changed their Christmas traditions?

Personally feel a bit of cognitive dissonance is needed to combine condolence/memorial type conversations with a festive atmosphere. We have young children so I think there is a bit of added pressure to keep Christmas fun.

@mids2019 - I wonder if half the cause of people’s midlife crises is the realization that we are getting closer to being the next generation to likely disappear. It’s a weird, emotional and exhausting time in life when we have adolescent/young adult kids and have to look after elderly parents and in-laws and the pressure this puts in relationships. Chuck menopause in the mix (esp in combo with adolescents in the same house) and all the new health issues that begin in the midlife demographic - it’s a wonder we live as long as we do.

@Fraaahnces

I really do think your into something. There may be a little gallows humour about who's going to be around next Christmas and it underlies a real fear of future bereave ent. I don't know if Christmas can be fun for people of my generation with young demanding teenagers (who can be frankly bored) and an elderly generation above who are locked in nostalgia as you could argue looking to the future is may be not an optimistic exercise.

I think over time Christmas becomes more a reflective activity and the day itself has an element of a toast to absent friends which jars a little with the assumed festive spirit of the day.

Feels.like we are going through the motions now. I think in another world someone suggested cinema and a curry on Christmas day we would snap at it but we are creatures wedded to tradition.

I work with a lot of elderly people and have realised that looking back at your past (with either rose-coloured glasses, or sooty, grimy black ones) often depends on your feelings about the present. People’s recollections are “flexible/creative” and their inner bibliography has had the plot adjusted to suit their current narrative. Sometimes this constant need for reflection and comparison to the present is linked to the fear of looking forwards because the view of the edge is becoming closer every day.
*If you ever met me, I’m really a happy person. I have been looking at how to live from now for as long as possible while maintaining physical and mental health and independence. (And comparing myself to certain relatives who decided to be “old” and have stated that I will be looking after them into their dotage, when in fact they were younger when they chose this lifestyle than I happen to be right now.

Hi……I just have to say that the loss of a son or daughter is just as painful when they are older…..this is seldom mentioned. My eldest son died when he was 39 in 2015. Christmas gets harder as the years go by. He was my best friend……I knew him and loved him for every second of those 39 years. I miss him so much and not a single hour passes without him being in my thoughts.

@Strider1 that must be so hard for you, I don't know what else to say other than your love for your son shines through and I hope you find at least some moments of joy or peace or good memories amongst the sadness this year.

My best suggestion is not to over think it, and to let the day happen.

A few years back my friend died in mid December and I found myself unable to take part in the 'stuff' of Christmas, so I went and volunteered with a homeless trust on the day itself and spent the rest of the day alone doing my own thing. My family members understood and were cool with this.

My Mum died early December last year and to be brutally honest I can't remember what I did on Christmas day! IIRC I visited people and I ended up at a friend's for the evening as I needed to break with anything to do with previous family Christmases involving her. Her funeral was after New Year, so that all felt odd.

Another branch of my family has been hit with a significant bereavement in the last few weeks, and they have cancelled their big Christmas plans and are just going to relax and do low key stuff as they are exhausted.

Strider, huge sympathy. If there was any way any of us could take some of your pain onboard, we would.

Yes, we lost my dad just before Christmas six years ago. It was very hard - the thing I remember most was the Christmas and sympathy cards arriving together. We still 'did' Christmas because DS was 11 but I was sorting funeral admin in the days leading up to it. My heart goes out to anyone who has to go through it.

My Dad was terminally ill with cancer and in a hospice two christmasses ago. I stupidly tried to keep the day "normal" for everyone else, and ended up crying at home because I wanted to be with Dad and then being with Dad and feeling I was neglecting everyone else. I was burnt out and exhausted. In hindsight I should have spent the entire day with Dad instead of 3 trips and in out of the hospice. It was a dreadful day. He passed away a few weeks after Christmas.

Last Christmas was incredibly tough because all I could remember was how I felt the Christmas before - but we kept some of his traditions alive and walked down to his grave to lay a wreath. And we all shed a tear toasting him over the lunch but it was mainly positive. I was wrapping presents today and shed a tear because I'm not doing one for him. Grief is a strange and bumpy journey, and sometimes I just feel that I'm never doing it right.... I'm sorry for your loss.

I lost my mum last December. She had been unwell but it was sudden. She died days before my 40th birthday and the appointment to plan her funeral fell on my birthday.

I had a trip away booked to a Christmas market and a spa 3 days after she died, which we went on and enjoyed, but I was very sad and it was more subdued. We lit a candle in a cathedral and raised many glasses.

Her funeral was the 20th December and I was dreading it, but it was nice and I was well supported.

We had Christmas Day together (my sister and her family, our dad and our step dad). It was actually a nice day. Sad times but we still had a laugh and some fun. My son was 5 so I still carried on with all the usual Christmas things and decorated the house.

We are doing the same this year and my step dad seems to be coming out of his grief now too so hopefully it will be another lovely day.

It is tricky but my mum would absolutely not have anyone moping about.

Just do your best with how you feel. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

I think so much depends on relationship with the person who died.

My gran died when I was 25. Were a small family so Christmas had been me, my parents and my gran. With quarter of us missing, and her presents (both to and from us) already wrapped and under the tree the whole thing was weird.

The year my mum died my dad was in hospital and youngest dc was only 10w so that was even more weird but we did what we need to for the kids. Somehow it felt ok to separate Christmas from reality

This year my dad died. We buried him 2w ago. I'm exhausted. DH is carrying the load. Most usual Xmas traditions are in place - including ones that we'd dropped when caring for df.

We'll raise a glass and carry on and I hope to be feeling more human in the new year.

My mum died on Christmas Eve at home. I drove home afterwards, and the next day DH cooked Christmas Day lunch and we had a normal day (the dc were very young). I found it a hard time of year for a long time after but always made it lovely for the dc; just quietly lit a candle for my mum.