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Original poster

Bereavement near Christmas

61 replies

mids2019 · 09/12/2023 06:13

Has anyone had experience of deaths of relatively elderly family members near Christmas? It look like the period for giving condolences will pretty much coincide with traditional festive gatherings so I guess the question is have people continued to meet up in a festive present giving partying type of way or have they fundamentally changed their Christmas traditions?

Personally feel a bit of cognitive dissonance is needed to combine condolence/memorial type conversations with a festive atmosphere. We have young children so I think there is a bit of added pressure to keep Christmas fun.

OP posts:

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 09/12/2023 16:32

DDad died two weeks before Christmas and his funeral was on 21st Dec. Christmas was a more subdued affair for a couple of years.

Helenloveslee4eva · 09/12/2023 16:37

We did.
it was a blessed release so less awful than it could have been. We also managed to get the funeral in the day before we flew to Sydney for Xmas / new year of a lifetime.
having the Xmas tree at the funeral was unusual but also a reminder that life goes on ….
cards arriving to both relatives were a bit difficult though p

Sugarfree23 · 09/12/2023 16:43

I don't know that their is a right or wrong way to do it.

I guess part of 'doing it for the children' is another way of saying life goes on. I can see the point of cancelling if nobody is in the mood for celebrating or the person was a young person with tons of years in front of them.

But for a very elderly person who's lived a long and happy life. Bash in enjoy and raise a glass to them. Celebrate the life they had.

Perfectlystill · 09/12/2023 22:35

Do what feels right for you and your family.

I would err on the side of doing Christmas for the children, while acknowledging how sad it'll you all are X isn't there.

You've got to do something on the day itself, and it helps to try to be jolly, and also to go through the rituals of whatever you normally do on Christmas Day.

My FIL hadn't been dead a week on Christmas Day, and he died suddenly out of the blue, but we pushed on because the alternative of ... what, sitting crying on the sofa all day? would have been bloody awful for everyone.

We ended up having a nice day. I look back and feel proud of how we coped and made the best of it.

We still talk about grandpa all the time and are a very open family, but carrying on for the sake of the children was absolutely the best and healthiest response for us.

StarDolphins · 09/12/2023 22:41

My niece died 2 weeks ago suddenly & unexpectedly from pneumonia. I also have a 7yo little girl. Honestly, I want to cancel Christmas & cry through the whole thing.

Except, I can’t. I have to carry on being jolly & excited for my DD. It’s the hardest thing going against what you naturally feel.

Weds at 12.15 is my niece’s funeral & then straight to my DD’s school to watch her in her play.

Sending love op.

Spottyhousecoat · 09/12/2023 23:22

I've had one grandparent die on Christmas Eve and one on Boxing Day both unexpectedly.
I was 19 when one passed on boxing day and it didn't hit really until 3 weeks later at the funeral which is a long wait for a funeral here.
When my grandmother who I was incredibly close to passed away on Xmas eve just a few years ago, I was on automatic pilot for the sake of my children, I hosted and cooked Xmas Dinner for DHs family and no one even mentioned it, not one person said I'm sorry to hear your news, when I finally got the kids to bed and rid of the guests I cried for hours.
Now I actually take Xmas eve to remember her, I visit the graveside with a lovely Holly wreath and we remember the last time we seen her the day before she passed singing and dancing to Christmas songs with my dc, we wouldn't have such a special memory if she had passed at any other time of the year.

saraclara · 09/12/2023 23:31

My dad died on the last day of the school tell. I left his deathbed to go to my.7 year old school Christmas performance, as he'd have wanted me to. He always put his DGDs first and his death was expected.

His funeral was on the 19th December. My mum decided that she didn't want anything to do with Christmas, and just wanted the day to herself, and I wasn't really up to the few days visit to my lovely in-laws, that we'd normally have done (nor did they expect us to go). So it was our first 'just the four of us at home' Christmas. And it was actually lovely. We were really relaxed, the kids could play with their toys, we had a lovely dinner and then I sat on the sofa and watched Casablanca, while the DDs played and my DH read his new book. It was Christmasy, but calm and laid back.

IvorTheEngineDriver · 10/12/2023 01:54

My Grandfather died on Christmas Day some years back. My uncle (at whose house he died) kept it quiet until the day after Boxing Day so that it would not spoil Xmas for his brothers (which inc. my Dad) and their families.

Ecclescakesfortea · 17/12/2023 16:10

My elderly dad died mid-December and my mum arranged to have the funeral before Christmas so her adult children and young grandchildren could have some normality at Christmas. (It was 2020) We hosted Christmas, got my mum early and she was a little tearful at the start and end of the day but when my grandchildren were there for the middle bit, after remembering 'Gramps' and how they loved and missed him, we did the usual games etc and I think that worked well and good for everyone.

Hapagirl48 · 17/12/2023 16:16

My GM died on 6 December this year. She was 98 years old so not unexpected and not a shock like some of the stories on this thread. Because of her death, I didn’t get tree or other decorations up until later but I’ve decided going forward, we will do decorations on 6 December to honour her.

EbbandTheWanderingHearts · 17/12/2023 16:24

My Dad passed away, unexpectedly, ( well as unexpectedly as you can at 87) on Christmas day last year. My Mum called me in the early hours so I drove home, dealt with the police that came as standard and waited for the undertakers. There was no medical person available to sign the death certificate but it was agreed the police officer could do it in the end. I stayed with my Mum for a bit then left her with my sister and adult nephews before driving back home before my own kids got up. I sat and watched them open their presents before we told them then went to the in-laws for Christmas as agreed. Tbh, I wanted to stay home and grieve but ended up putting on a brave face for the kids.

This year I'm dreading it. Because of the time of year I feel I've never properly grieved as I didn't want to depress others. It's all a bit shit!

Babyroobs · 17/12/2023 16:26

It is hard. We lost our uncle a couple of weeks ago and funeral is just after new year so any wider family gathering ( we would usually meet up at Christmas) has not happened as we will all be meeting for the funeral. My kids are all grown up so they understand that it can be hard to celebrate.

ZiggyZowie · 17/12/2023 16:30

When I was 11 my dad died a week before Christmas and we didn't have a tree or decorations that year.

Then a few years ago my mum died on 27 December having been in hospital for three weeks. Christmas day I spent worrying about her.
So Christmas for me has been a bit meh with loss of both parents at this time

Blinkityblonk · 17/12/2023 16:40

I must admit I'm not keen on Christmas partly for this reason, it all seems a bit loaded because you have to make it 'fun' but then as you get older, the chances of a relative dying near to Christmas, or being ill at Christmas, or having their last Christmas and so on goes up and it becomes harder to participate in a simple way. I don't have the answer, I spend one Christmas in a hospice and another with a relative dying very near to Christmas. Even just doing the same Christmas as always with a missing person is hard. In my husband's culture they leave a place at the table the day before Christmas for those who are absent, and the food out for the ancestors, and I think that's a good way of acknowledging it and leaves you free then to get on with the day. Difficult times, OP.

FlyingCherub · 17/12/2023 16:45

This time last year, my darling Dad was in a hospice and was horribly unwell. I was spending every spare second outside work with him, and was battling to try and keep him there over Christmas as they wanted to discharge him. It was so unsettling, and I refused to engage with any Christmas activities as I just didn't feel up to it. We spent Christmas day together as a family as usual, and I put a brave face on for my grandchildren but honestly my heart wasn't in it at all. The toughest part was that he held on for dear life, and didn't pass away until the end of January which absolutely staggered his palliative care team.

I'm equally struggling this year to feel any merriment - but life does goes on and I know it will get easier as the years pass. I think it's perfectly acceptable to do whatever feels right for you, and what any one else thinks is irrelevant

Christmasisalmosthere · 17/12/2023 23:24

My husband and mil died within a few weeks of each other in October/November and it's difficult to know how to deal with Christmas.I don't usually attend church but went to the annual carol service this afternoon. People didn't seem to know how to deal with myself and my daughter so really just ignored us to be honest.There was a lengthy tea after the event and we didn't stay as we seemed to be making people uncomfortable. Many of them know us quite well but hadn't met us since the deaths and ignored us. It's a bit like when people cross the road to avoid you but this was in a small function room.
The service was lovely but I feel like I've regressed.

Sugarfree23 · 17/12/2023 23:42

@Christmasisalmosthere I'm sorry to hear about both your DH and MIL.

Thats really hard. What plans have you got for Christmas Day?
Is your girl still in the Santa stage?

Christmasisalmosthere · 17/12/2023 23:58

Thank you so much for the confirmation, I'm realizing how important it is to offer and accept condolences in a way I've never imagined before. No Santa issues, my daughter's a student but unfortunately hasn't got back to college yet so that's something we're hoping will work out in the New Year.
At this stage Christmas Day is a bit uncertain although I will spend it with family.I've had notions of long walks , beach visits etc but no one else is very keen.

whiteroseredrose · 18/12/2023 00:50

We have just found out that FIL has died in his sleep (currently on holiday). The plan is to still have Christmas as DC are home and we will need to look after MIL who has dementia.

Sugarfree23 · 18/12/2023 00:50

I'm sorry you experienced that.
I think the issue is nobody knows what to say, especially when it's a youngish person.
"Sorry" is what is expected but it's what you say when you accidentally bump into someone. It doesn't really cut it when your talking about someone's nearest and dearest. The English language is SO lacking in appropriate words!

Then it gets harder once your past the Sorry, what are you meant to say next? How are you? How the bereaved meant to reply, I'm doing shit but thanks for asking?

Nottogetapenny · 18/12/2023 01:41

My Nana died on the 18th December, quite a few years ago, when I was just a child. It so sad that she was only 54 when she died, and so near Christmas.

My wonderful dad, died on Boxing Day, years ago. My mum had Alzheimer’s and died Easter Sunday 2022.

Christmas was alway a very special time, as my parents made it so special for my sister and I and their grandchildren.

Every year on the 18th December we take flowers to the cemetery, visit their resting place, telling them how much we love them.

My sister and I with our families always spend Christmas together, keeping the traditions and family togetherness that has been part of Christmas all our lives.

TwoMoreBoxesJayne · 18/12/2023 02:40

I know this is an odd take on things as there is never a good time for a loved one to die but, in some ways, a Christmas time death means that people are often around other members of family so can grieve and remember together. People are generally at home and not working too making it a practical time to come together.

Christmas can be a poignant time for lots of reasons so it doesn't feel wrong to mix sad times with happy times.

Sorry if I've explained all that badly.

mondaytosunday · 18/12/2023 03:53

Yes my father died mid December. And my husband died in October (over 14 years ago) and that was incredibly hard. My kids were 4 and 6 and I went ahead with the Christmas we had planned, but I couldn't keep the tree up for long , and for the only time ever took it down on New Years.

Fraaahnces · 18/12/2023 04:24

Hi @mids2019 It’s hard. My mum died on the 23rd a few years ago. I had been nursing her 24/7 and ensured that SHE had a Christmas the week prior because it was obvious she wouldn’t make it. My kids had token presents because I hadn’t had time to buy for them and they were given gift cards to choose for themselves. I had a very challenging relationship with her (she was abusive) and I grieved for the mum I never had for a long time. We decided to have a mini break with the kids in January and we all talked about how else wanted Christmases as a family to be, and starting our own traditions. Some were feasible and some utterly bonkers. (Ie one suggestion was flying to the North Pole every year - we live in Aus.) My kids were always encouraged to speak openly about their own experience of loss. They had had entirely different relationships with my mum and dad who had passed a few years prior - on my birthday of course. Not just different to my relationships but different to each others. We made sure that Christmas involved a bit of silliness and was able to change each year as they grew. Now my eldest DD has just moved out and is setting up her flat 1300m away from us and she said she will miss it. (Obviously I will miss her more!)

Original poster

mids2019 · 18/12/2023 06:23

Thank you for all your messages. One thing I am.getting now is that Christmas is never going to be the same in a way and some family traditions are going to change. There have been previous bereavements and I think being 50 we are seeing a lot of the generation above dying and Christmas does become a time of nostalgia rather than maybe overt jollity and looking forward. It's a little complicated with funeral arrangements and I think there is a degree of angst and tension dealing with this alongside Christmas preparations.

I like the idea of long walks as this is something I enjoy but has never really features as a family tradition before.

OP posts:

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