Is this normal?? Posting for traffic….

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It’s hard to articulate this but…

I fundamentally believe I am not a good person, I see so many flaws, do a lot of fairly erratic things that no one really ever finds out about (don’t worry - no heinous crimes committed but I do often have dark thoughts and prone to inner rage) I have recently diagnosed adhd.

I am told I am incredibly generous (with time, effort and money - for those I care about but often just random strangers as well). I recognise this but sometimes I feel as if I’m somehow trying to compensate for my flaws and the darker side of my brain, and not being good enough by being a people pleaser, demonstrating lots of overt effort and kindness and this often leads to being walked all over.

I have no idea whether this is common or not or how I go about reconciling my brain

Bumping although appreciate it’s very late…

I think that's pretty normal

Perhaps you're over thinking it

Do you intentionally hurt people? Commit crimes? Make someone's life harder just because?

You seem pretty decent and pretty average to me

Don't worry about it

My view is that we are all 'broken' as humans. We all have dark sides and as a species we aren't very pleasant. So you are not alone, you just recognise that part of yourself. You also described good characteristics, too, so it's not all bad!

My way of reconciling this disconnect is via my Christian faith, which recognises all people as broken and 'sinners'. The only way back, I believe, is via faith in Jesus Christ. This has given me a lot of peace and a way to reconcile the dreadful waste and poor decisions scattered through my life. I see those experiences now as valuable, giving me compassion for others, because usually when I see a post by someone about some perceived awful behaviour, I have to be honest and think at times I too have done or thought those things.

So fundamentally we are all in the same boat. Or if you like, we are all in the gutter but some of us are looking up at the stars.

Yes it is very late and I hope that made some sort of sense!

ADHD here too (undiagnosed as yet)

Yep

Had friends over this evening, bought many bottles to make different cocktails and many snacks. Because obviously I'm useless without all that

Run myself ragged, they have all gone to bed (probably genuinely tired) but I'm here Awake, watching YouTube with a drink.

They always comment how great a host I am (extra pressure totally brought on by myself) but always go to sleep/go home before me and I feel rejected.

It's not their fault or mine. We're a little mismatched here, but I love them, and such I'll carry on!

OP I think self esteem issues often go hand in hand with adhd. Have you considered trying to get a bit of counselling to help work through these feelings?

Thanks for the replies. I have had a few counselling sessions but I just feel I don’t get the best out of them as I pretty much try and people please them too to an extent 🙈

Sounds pretty normal to me too. It's important to have integrity - be a decent person, for your own sake, no-one else's, but if you're a decent person you'll automatically do the right thing, help people, etc. Sounds as if you are fundamentally a decent person. So you have intrusive thoughts - so do most of us, I think. The secret is not to let them take over. Find joy in things and people and hopefully those thoughts will not come so often. This is my experience, anyway. I think you're doing OK!

I feel like this too OP, I can be quite erratic and often speak before I think, then I often feel I am a bad person or that there’s something wrong with me. I am waiting for ADHD diagnosis.