All aboard the crazy texting train - how do we get off?!

[KeiraKnightley2]

I've known a guy as a sort of distant online penpal for 1.5 years. One day we both realized we're single and he asked me out.

Following our amazing first date which went on far longer than I expected, we started messaging about 30 mins after parting. And then it just hasn't stopped since then 2 weeks ago!

The reason why we haven't gone on a second date yet is because he went back to his home country last week and is staying to visit family until Christmas.

But now we're got into a pattern of messaging loads every day & I feel it's losing a bit of steam. I even said, 'have a great time visiting family and be nice to keep in touch now and then over the hols'.

But now today for example he hasn't messaged all day (unusual) & I wish I didn't care! I like him a lot & don't know how to cool things down without turning it off completely?

Anyone?

Hi op. Just to offer my view. I hate texting while dating. If you start with lots of messaging one or both people have an expectation it should continue like that. The ding ding ding of your phone is creating dopamine and now you're not getting it you're like an addict without a hit. It's messing with your brain

It also creates a sort of fake bond and intimacy. Texting doesn't really tell you anything about a person. Real life time together does.

My advice is to really pull back on the texting. I have never ever heard anyone say they have a great relationship because they constantly texted in the beginning. I've only ever heard it make people feels anxious and jittery.

Wishing you good luck!!

Yeah @Mydogisscratching that's why I suggested we keep in touch occasionally after a week of it. But then he kept messaging after that!

So then of course one day goes by nothing and it has made me anxious

What's the worst that could happen? Suppose I'm worried that if I pull back he'll lose interest. But I guess so what? It doesn't suit ME to be in constant contact so soon.

And maybe he's quiet because he's feeling similar and we're on same page...maybe.

If you’re really into him it’s going to be unbearable but pp is right about the fake intimacy with texting.

Try to throw yourself into everyday life and keep as busy as possible, maybe just ask if he’s free for a call in a few days when you can catch up properly ….you’ll have more to chat about after a little gap

I agree, I hate texting so much in the early days! Makes you think you know someone but you actually don’t.

You could arrange a FaceTime ‘date’ in a week or so, then at least you have that to look forward to?

I think @Elfnsafetyhat @ChristmasPuddy I should just pull back then and try to set a 'new' pattern. My concern is that it's a big change and he might just think I'm not interested anymore or vice versa.

A call would be nice, too.

I think at the start we just couldn't wait to keep talking. I also suspect it was his way of making his interest obvious and maybe hoping I'd stop speaking to others? I mean they are interesting messages but you can only keep it up for so long!

Trying to think of what I would do or say. I think to go from constant messaging to nothing is hard.

You could try addressing it directly? Tomorrow you could text something like - 'Gosh we didn't message at all yesterday! Felt a bit weird after weeks of back and forth! Hope you're having a good time with your family. Rather than trying to keep up with the messaging maybe we could have a chat on the phone instead in a few days? Let me know when is good for you and I'll speak to you then.'

If he likes you it's not going to put him off and it gives you a bit of control back?

I hate texting loads when dating. It's needy, not sustainable and makes the in-person dates way less interesting because you already know everything the other person has been doing since you last saw them. You're reduced to "tell me more about that thing you already told me about on WhatsApp?"🥱

Also, I want a man who has stuff going on in his life rather than texting me every 20 minutes. It actually pisses me off so I tend to slow fade them out.

@Ablondiebutagoody ha, I know exactly what you mean with the Whatsapp thing! I want some original stuff left to talk about.

He's actually a lawyer and was messaging me photos from a conference on human rights (it is in a cool city, for clarity) 😂 so he's definitely busy!

I'm trying to hang on to the fact he was 'just right' in person. I've had numerous dates and he is the first to tick all the boxes and more. Id hate for us to ruin a good thing because of some flipping texts.

And this is why you don't text except to arrange dates! Can't ruin something with some flipping texts if you aren't sending the flipping texts!

It's tricky though isn't it @Mydogisscratching

If we'd said nothing over the entire holidays then momentum would be lost that way too. It's just bad timing, meeting right before the holidays I think..

Then just be honest with him and don't stress about it too much. He might appreciate being able to step away from the texts a bit too!