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Original poster

Someone with patience help me with this

22 replies

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 07/12/2023 18:06

My 9yr old son is being really grumpy and rude lately. I’ve tried being extra sensitive and giving him space to talk incase something specific has upset him. However his behaviour is becoming really hard. He is doing things like throwing shoes about (only half heartedly) for no reason and responding rudely when I ask him things. I told him that it might be ok if he doesn’t want to talk to me but just blanking me when I talk is just rude- and he responded “ok, shut the F up then”.

im trying not to escalate and loose my shit but it’s hard.

Would love to hear how others would approach this to try and get a positive outcomes.

OP posts:
MissHavershamReturns · 07/12/2023 18:07

I would speak to school to see of there is anything different. Friendship issues?

DixonD · 07/12/2023 18:07

Probably fed up of school - they all get tired towards the end of term.

MissHavershamReturns · 07/12/2023 18:08

I would also have very clear consequences. No swearing in this house or game boy is put away for the day

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MissHavershamReturns · 07/12/2023 18:08

Is he getting enough sleep?

Original poster
Dowhadiddydiddydum · 07/12/2023 18:23

We often use taking away switch as a punishment but it’s tends to escalate and doesn’t teach much. Not that I don’t still do it, but it doesn’t seem to have any lasting change.

I think he’s sleeping ok and ok at school, but I will email his teacher to ask.

possibly it’s end of school tiredness.

my issue I struggle with is he swings from being rude to me, to needing me. So he is someone who needs to talk things through - he said recently he loves walking with me alone so we can’t talk. It’s hard to be that person for someone who is being increasingly rude with you though. Without feeling quite angry and put out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dowhadiddydiddydum · 07/12/2023 18:29

MissHavershamReturns · 07/12/2023 18:08

Is he getting enough sleep?

Just said he was tired so maybe it is actually sleep. Time of year might affect him too I suppose

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 07/12/2023 18:41

Could it be hormones? My youngest got a little stroppy at that age and it was very clear she was hormonal. What ever it is it doesn’t excuse the use of the bad language towards you. I don’t really have any useful advice sorry other than check in with school see how he behaves or if he’s been different, school might say he’s ok. He’s probably just letting all his frustration/anger or whatever it is out at home cos that’s his safe place

MissHavershamReturns · 07/12/2023 18:46

The explosive child book is supposed to be amazing

MissHavershamReturns · 07/12/2023 18:47

I know how hard it is op and I can see how hard you are working to be there for him while he’s pushing you away. I think continuing to communicate and connect is going to be key.

JaneJeffer · 07/12/2023 18:53

Hormones. When they get to that age they have a surge of testosterone every so often. You have to make it clear that acting out towards you isn't acceptable. You need to start giving them a bit of space but still be there for them. It's tricky but you'll get through it.

43ontherocksporfavor · 07/12/2023 18:56

Grumpy is one thing, telling his mother to shut the F up is quite another and is not excused by anything! That would mean strong discipline from me.

ApocalypseNowt · 07/12/2023 18:59

Honestly, I think I'd lose my shit at him. Sometimes it helps.

tokesqueen · 07/12/2023 18:59

Does he speak to his dad like that?

Original poster
Dowhadiddydiddydum · 07/12/2023 19:04

Thanks everyone.
yes I am wondering if it’s an age/hormone thing. I am noticed he’s feeling older all of a sudden.

I agree I need to get on top of his behaviour. I really don’t want an abusive/rude teen shouting at me in a few years.

what I’m hoping to do is deal with it well and not inflame the situation. My dad tried the hard line approach with my brother and it backfired massively. So Im mindful to not do anything that escalates the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dowhadiddydiddydum · 07/12/2023 19:07

tokesqueen · 07/12/2023 18:59

Does he speak to his dad like that?

He is probably much worse for his dad. They butt heads.

OP posts:
willingtolearn · 07/12/2023 19:12

It's winter, the run up to Christmas - it's a mix of exciting, stressful, dark, cold - lots of adults feel grumpy at this time of year.

Add to that I found 9/10 to be a difficult age - they are becoming aware of the world outside their family and that can be quite frightening. You say he needs you one moment and rejects you the next - it sounds like he is trying to be independent but is still aware of how dependent he is - that can be hard. Hormones can be starting to shift just to add to the mix.

All you can do is hold the line with what is okay and what is not. Keep it calm/grey rock - Don't talk to me that way, if you need some space go and sit in your room for a bit and then let me know if you want to talk or 'When you talk to me that way I don't want to be around you - I'm going to watch tv/take a bath/make dinner and when you're ready to let me know what the problem is /apologise let me know.

So still loving/caring but equally clear that you are not there to be shouted at.

NoSquirrels · 07/12/2023 19:14

I told him that it might be ok if he doesn’t want to talk to me but just blanking me when I talk is just rude- and he responded “ok, shut the F up then”.

im trying not to escalate and loose my shit but it’s hard.

Er, I am as nicely-nicely as they come on the validating their feelings, giving room to talk etc etc but there is an absolute line in the sand about talking to someone - anyone! - like that in my house. It is 100% unacceptable to tell anyone to shut the fuck up. So I would ‘lose my shit’ over that one.

I mean, I wouldn’t lose my shit at all. But I’d make it completely steelily clear that it’s completely disrespectful and inappropriate language. And that you get the respect you deserve, and if he can’t treat me with respect and maturity I’ll have to treat him like a younger child…

Original poster
Dowhadiddydiddydum · 07/12/2023 19:24

willingtolearn · 07/12/2023 19:12

It's winter, the run up to Christmas - it's a mix of exciting, stressful, dark, cold - lots of adults feel grumpy at this time of year.

Add to that I found 9/10 to be a difficult age - they are becoming aware of the world outside their family and that can be quite frightening. You say he needs you one moment and rejects you the next - it sounds like he is trying to be independent but is still aware of how dependent he is - that can be hard. Hormones can be starting to shift just to add to the mix.

All you can do is hold the line with what is okay and what is not. Keep it calm/grey rock - Don't talk to me that way, if you need some space go and sit in your room for a bit and then let me know if you want to talk or 'When you talk to me that way I don't want to be around you - I'm going to watch tv/take a bath/make dinner and when you're ready to let me know what the problem is /apologise let me know.

So still loving/caring but equally clear that you are not there to be shouted at.

This is such a helpful and useful response. Thank you. I need to keep the boudaries of what is acceptable yes but try not to loose my shit in the process, so those examples of calm responses are useful.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 07/12/2023 19:28

I'm afraid rudeness at any age resulted in an earful here. And if he's grim at 9 there's munch worse to come.

Original poster
Dowhadiddydiddydum · 07/12/2023 19:32

Wallywobbles · 07/12/2023 19:28

I'm afraid rudeness at any age resulted in an earful here. And if he's grim at 9 there's munch worse to come.

He’s not generally grim, he’s a really lovely child on the whole. Loves reading with me, walking, loves deep conversation and tells terrible jokes. He’s being a bit of an arse recently but overall he is lovely. I’m not looking to make out he’s a horrible difficult kid 24:7.

OP posts:
JaneJeffer · 07/12/2023 20:46

Wallywobbles · 07/12/2023 19:28

I'm afraid rudeness at any age resulted in an earful here. And if he's grim at 9 there's munch worse to come.

Rubbish. Do you never feel hormonal or moody?

Wallywobbles · 07/12/2023 22:13

@JaneJeffer yes I'm told when I lack respect too. And I apologize and mean it when it happens.

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