Please help me with my grief (grandparent death)

[AnxiousAnniee]

My grandad died very suddenly, none of us were really expecting it. He went into hospital with a chest infection and then he had fluid on his lungs and his heart started failing. His organs shut down very quickly. I was at the hospital as he took his last breath and watched him die.

This is what I am struggling with the most at the moment. I regret going to the hospital because I can't get the image of him like that out of my head. My other grandad died a few years ago and I didn't go to the hospital to see him and I have always regretted not saying a final goodbye. So I went this time and wish I didn't.

I am struggling with his death, I am 30 but so far I haven't had a member of my family pass away and so I don't know how to handle these intense emotions, I have never been through this before. It is comforting to be around family but right now I am at home alone and I don't know what to do, I am just sat in silence. Please can someone offer any advice or comfort? I don't want to call my mum or siblings because I know that they are also hurting and don't want to make it worse for them. How do I get through this knowing I will never see him again and he is not here anymore? And how do I get over the trauma of seeing him die in the hospital? Thank you x

Guilt and regret are a part of grief. You didn’t go to the hospital to see your other grandad, you felt guilty. You did this time and you regret it. It’s normal. In time, the image of your grandad like that will fade but it will take some time. You will be able to remember him outside of that setting. Start by talking to your parents and siblings about him. They might also be struggling with the image of him in hospital or not visiting but when you talk about a loved one you’ll gravitate to happier times with them. You don’t have to do it alone.

I'm so sorry

Could you look into some counselling? It does help to talk about it, I saw a therapist after the death of my Nan and I did find it really helped.

Ultimately, though, time will be the best healer (as naff as that is).

Sending lots of love xx

In time, knowing that you were there in his final moments will bring comfort to you.

Similarly, I watched my nan struggle until her very last moment and if I think about it too much I become completely overwhelmed, because it was fucking traumatising and one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I would rather go through that than her die alone.

I make a point of writing down positive memories and remembering the good times when she was well and talking about her a lot. I've had some lovely "remember the time when..." conversations and it does help reframe what happened.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's very fresh and very raw but it does get easier with time. Don't be scared to sit with your feelings and grieve - it's the only way you'll process it.

Thank you. I know everyone says that time is the best healer but you want it to hurry up and get to that point. I don't know what to do until that point.

Also I realise that I said in my post that I've never had to go through this before, but also my other grandad died a few years ago. What I meant was no one close to me has died before. My other grandad died and it was sad, but I didn't know him very well. I mostly felt guilt for not seeing him more and not being at the hospital. But this time, this is someone who was very close to me and I have never gone through such intense feelings like this, I don't know how I'm supposed to get through the day or do normal things or go to work

I was holding my mum’s hand when she died (I was 32). Now with the passage of time, I can barely recall that one moment. My memories of her are her laughing her daft laugh!! She was a bit of a character!

I’m very sorry for your loss, and while it hurts now, it will get easier with time.

And you don’t say how old grandad was, but a quick passing can be a blessing for an elderly person, although it’s often hard on the loved ones who mourn the loss.

My grandad was only in his 60s. He was not my biological grandad, but became my mum's step dad when she was a child so to me he is just my grandad, I have grown up with him, he was at the hospital when i was born. It's such a young age to die, I was not prepared for him dying so soon.

Thank you for the nice messages x

Oh @AnxiousAnniee he was too young. Since you’re only 30, I assumed he might be upper 80s.

My mum was only 66 and it’s really hard to accept when someone hasn’t really had their “whole” life.

Since you can’t hurry time up, I’d suggest you try and find things that will provide a good distraction and keep you busy.

My Dad died a year ago and this is what I struggled with the most - seeing him dead in the hospital. I didn't see him die but we were called to the hospital as he was deteriorating and we didn't make it (he had a DNR in place). The image was there every second and initially I tried to push it away but realised I needed to lean into it and recognise it as trauma, on top of the grief. So I let the image sit with me for a few minutes and found all the positives I could. Perhaps yours could be that you were there with him, he felt loved and cared for. I then found the image slowly disappeared and I could sleep properly again. Now, a year on, I have to really focus to bring the image back.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

I was with my grandma when she died, and although I felt like you at the time, I took great comfort from the fact that she was there at my birth as my mum had me at home, and I was there at her death. She was 102, and meant the world to me. Since her death, both my parents have died. I miss them all, all the time, but I’m not sad any more.

Yes this is how I feel too, it was traumatic. People often say that people just look like they're asleep. But he didn't look like he was asleep to me. His eyes and mouth were open. My cousin closed his eyelids and we stayed in the room with him for a while but the image of him laying there and turning colour was too much and I had to leave. Work don't give a lot of compassionate leave for grandparents, I don't know how I'll be able to concentrate or do anything

@AnxiousAnniee yes same here, definitely didn't look peacefully asleep. Give yourself time and let colleagues know you're having a tough time and they often pick up a bit of the slack. If needs be, get signed off sick for a couple of weeks up to Christmas and then try to start some normality again in January. I tried to be pragmatic and knew he wouldn't want us to wallow.

OP I am just 2 years older than you and I sat next to my gran as she died in April. It still hurts. Please be kind to yourself. It is hard, very very hard and don’t let anyone else dictate to you how you should feel.

The biggest help for me in getting past the images of my mum as she died was gewtting a framed photo of her laughing her head off and putting it on prominent display. Having a really happy image to see every single day meant that became my primary association.

How long has it been? I know the loss of a parent is different to loss of a grandparent, but I certainly was in mourning for a year. Several years on, I can now think of her with only happiness and love, not grief, but it took a long while.

@KatBurglar it has only been a day. I know that people don't grieve forever and that in time it will get better, but until then while it is so fresh I don't know how to cope with it

I think distraction is good. Can you get out the house? To a friend? Get the weekly shop? Find some jobs to do?

OP there is no short cut through grief unfortunately. Yes, it's unbearable - but you will bear it. In time the pain eases and you remember them with a smile instead of tears.

As for the trauma of seeing death, you will have to find a way of accepting this reality. I think it helps to know that every person on earth will go through that door, following everyone who has ever lived, and before everyone who ever will live. It's Life.

But try not to dwell on the death beyond accepting it - look at lovely pics of him alive and happy.

I'm so sorry.
I urge you to go and see your mum and siblings, they will already be upset, you being there and talking to them won't make it worse for them. You should all be together, so you can talk about the good times and hold each other while you cry. You don't have to be brave for them.
If you were at the hospital at the end and they weren't, they will be feeling grateful to you and thankful that you could be there for him .They might want to talk about the very end, or they might not, but you were there, you are the one who needs support right now. Do what you need to to get to where the rest of the family are.
As for work, if they won't give more than a days compassionate leave, can you ask your Dr to sign you off for a few more days? Or take a few days annual leave? It's the weekend coming up, you might feel strong enough to work by Monday.

Such wise words.