As per the title this is a random little spill out of my mind, I wasn’t sure where to pop it as I don’t really know what I’m looking for in response or even if I’m looking for replies. Maybe I’ll treat it as a brain offload and move on.
Anyway…
I had a good childhood albeit in social housing and not masses to spare but well loved up until age 6. Parents then got divorced and things took a turn from then on. After the divorce it came apparent that my father had moved on with a woman who had children of her own and they were due to have their own child together. At this point it was made very clear myself (the youngest of siblings from original marriage) was just not wanted as part of father’s new life. Mother went on to have a few partners, all seemed nice enough just not for her. One partner through a remote control at my brother as he ran up the stairs and that was that mum sent him packing.
Fast forward - mum remarries. All seems well AT FIRST. Then new rules came in to play. Mustn't talk at the dinner table where a dictaphone was recording so you would be caught. Punishments no food for 24/48hr periods. Chased by half broken wooden spoon (mr slappy) smacking became a new thing. One day father takes other 3 siblings out for the day (no room for me in vehicle) then doesn’t come back … nor do they. Maybe a week or so later armed police removed me from my mother’s care and placed me in the care of my father. I believe for maybe a year? I changed school so it just of been for a period of time. I was frightened, I wanted my mum. I didn’t understand. I didn’t connect too well with the new family set up (many siblings) especially when told by the step siblings how my dad preferred them and I wasn’t wanted repeatedly. At some point I’m taken to dad’s room and shown newspaper clips about step father’s behaviour resulting in father now having care of the original 4. This now made sense as to why my mum could visit me and take me on days out but only her not her husband and I wasn’t allowed back to her home. One visit with mum she took me to her home with her husband and told me I lived with them again. (I the day before had tried to lean behind the sofa my father was sat on and wrap my arms around him from behind as I did this I perched on the radiator which pulled the radiator off the wall and caused a leak) it was then informed by social services that my father thought it best if I remained with my mother, contact was cut and that social services deemed me safe to live with my mother until a level of puberty in which they would re visit.
fast forward —- years of mental, physical and sexual abuse later ( cigarettes put on you, hot tea spoons wacked on your hand, photos taken of you, locked in a room until mum returned for your safety, locked in a room with excessive spiders knowing you are prettified of them, sewing needle stabbed into your thumb repeatedly then rubbed withe salt and vinegar to stop you sucking your thumb, hit around whilst sat on the toilet and vulnerable, boiling hot baths, threatened with knives, made up to the next day with jewellery if you just keep quiet) I escaped. I became homeless and through methods of school nurse etc contact was made with my father who then took me in. Couldn’t handle the switch of mainstream schools after I was police escorted to my previous high school so went into a one to one programme which allowed me to at least sit and complete some GCSE’s.
during this period I was told to suck it up, move on, forget it, that I should lose weight like x sibling, that I should dress like y sibling.
I fled again, married and became a mother. Becoming a mother gave me a yearn to have more family around. I tried. I really tried to forgive and forget my father (no way would I allow my child near my mother who still chose to be married to her husband after police, evidence and the likes) anyway it continued. You should parent like y, you should earn more money like x, you should dress like z, be more this, do that. If you didn’t follow suit or fit in line you were to blame for everything, talked about, put down, left out. We are talking racism, homophobic, politics.
After being accused of something that happened 8 hours drive away from me I decided enough was enough. My now children deserved to be around people who uplifted and celebrated who they were not who they should be.
Now I know at times I have been unkind in retaliation. The last call to one family member called out a lot from childhood and I did regrettably say how I blamed them for a part in what happened to me as a child as they should have protected me.
I have summarised. I’d need a book to write it all but as I come to my final therapy session after years of pushing it to the back of my head, I had a mental breakdown and couldn’t cope anymore with hiding away the traumas of my past. My final therapy session is now upon me and I feel slightly proud which feels alien to me. I feel like I don’t deserve to have this sense of me coming back and I know I should of achieved more and I know the wider family look down on me as the failure however to be able to tell my story and finally start to find who I truly am gives me an excitement to see what will become of the future for me.
If you have got to this point hats off to you.
I hope I can come back to this post in 12 months time and add to it the things I have managed to achieve in the following year, now that I’m finally closing the door and making peace with myself.