Is anyone elses mother just not a comfortable person to be around?

[Grapefruitstars]

It's hard work. She didn't want kids really I don't think. She was quite nasty when we were young. I find some days she's great others nothing is right. It's sulking and face pulling. It's like she has loads to do but she's retired so she had alot of time. God knows how my father has put up with this for years.

Mine rotates her feet so that her shoes squeak.

I’ve begged her to stop.

There’s childhood abuse and stuff too (I was never wanted as a child), but right now the shoe thing is the worst of it.

Yes for slightly different reasons. She has a lot of trauma from childhood and young adulthood that has left her with lots of issues as a parent. She's a good person and has elements of being a great mum. She expects me to be able to preempt her triggers. I never can and so have always been left feeling like I've let her down or I'm lacking in some way. Walking on egg shells sort of situation.

Mine. She can seem very nice and then suddenly put the knife in. Her tone will change or she’ll say something gobsmackingly horrible. She doesn’t even realise she’s being horrible. Consequently I am always on my guard as she’s like a silent assassin. She never apologises either and has no empathy. Everything is about her. She doesn’t do anything unless it benefits her. Talks about herself constantly. I find it absolutely exhausting and it makes me very sad. She had a lot of childhood
trauma and trauma as a young adult too . She has no self awareness either.

Why are they like this? She's so opinionated. I'm too busy to be obsessed with what others are doing.

Mine's a compulsive liar and a narcissist. She's also a very jealous person. All together this makes an unpleasant mix, but because she's also very concerned with coming across as a lovely person it's all very subtle and she picks her moments carefully.

Or used to ... she's elderly now but has been like it her whole life. I really only fully realised the extent of how manipulative she tries to be as i got into my 30s with kids of my own and started to 'see' her clearly.

Because her world is so small now the lies and weirdness only centre round stupid unimportant stuff and we all know what she's like so we're used to it - i've called her out on it a few times, but still she lies and lies and twists things to suit this fantasy idea of the way things are. She's just stuck like it. It's what she is.

She's my mother but i don't like her as a person.

I think parents with unresolved childhood trauma are typically like this. My mother was like this and I’ve been no contact for two years. Final straw was her saying she wishes she’d never had any children rather than had any disabled ones. She has also said she wishes she’d never had daughters. Guess who’s a disabled daughter? She’s just never wanted me and she’ll never change.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. If you keep her in your life (a perfectly acceptable choice, you know what’s best for you and why) then learn how to have strong boundaries. Also make sure you have other female role models on your life to compensate for how your mother is.

Are you my sister?!

Kind of too.

I think her world is small, she doesn't really have much to talk about so I get the tiniest detail of every hospital/GP’s appointment.

She doesn't really listen to me, or ask questions.

She never plans anything for me to do with her, never invites me anywhere, though I do her.

She is tight, doesn't treat herself nevermind anyone else.

I try. I do arrange nice things. She appreciates them at the time, but doesn't reciprocate.

She always sees the negative in everyone, but never deals with any of it. She can be a real hypocrite.

I'm often left feeling really miserable when I've called her.

I want to be different to her, but worry I won't be.

It would be lovely to have someone to talk to about it all so I wish you were!

Yes, I find mine very difficult

Mines super lovely but a bouncing ball of nervous energy.

She has lots of opinions....

She just has so much venom at times. I wonder what is wrong with her.

Mine ..... she thinks she has overruling say in my parenting. She also tries to guilt trip me and my siblings with "I don't know how long I have left" (as she has organ failure) when things aren't going her way / she isn't getting what she wants.
She also demands a lot of my time compared to my other siblings just because I am the one who has children and she has a "right" over them.
She also changes things that have happened to suit a narrative to attempt to get my siblings on her "side" although they know what she's like - so we all call each other to ask before making judgements as we know it's probably untrue.
It's exhausting

Ahhh, my people.

I can't even judge my mum that badly as she had a horrendous childhood and then got pregnant with me at 14. But my god, she is a martyr and such hard work. Low self esteem, low self worth, her life is just awful and she has no friends - her words - opinionated about my parenting (my kids are spoiled with their own bedrooms and adequate toys/books/educational materials). It's exhausting.

It's like she makes her life as hard and miserable as possible, and wants everyone else to do the same. Woah betide you if you manage to turn laundry folding into a game with small kids (finding matching socks) so that the act of normal chores aren't the end of the world...

Yes very much this. I will preface this by saying that I don't have any contact with her as an adult (stopped in my mid twenties, am now mid thirties). In truth I do think my mum has always been a very unhappy person, looking back with an adult view I can see she was genuinely mentally unwell, suffered badly with depression and so on but ultimately she also is an unpleasant and manipulative person who severely emotionally abused us as children and was a neglectful mother in most other senses. There is no remorse for it either, she would accuse us of lying about it or 'bullying' her if it was ever brought up, depending on how she felt on the day. Last we spoke I tried very hard to calmly raise that she had been abusive, with examples, and was accused of being spiteful and refusing to let go because I enjoy seeing her unhappy and how was she saddled with such awful children. She admitted specific events happened but there is (in her mind) an excuse for them no matter how awful and in every example she is a person who "did her best" and a victim of unkind and ungrateful children.

Nonetheless I have never enjoyed her company, she makes me uncomfortable and I can't bear to have physical contact with her - a hug etc. In real terms we have nothing at all in common but if you asked her she would say we are identical in every way - If i would say I didn't like something that she did she would say that was a lie and I did really, and so on. All very draining.

It has taken years but I have reached a place of peace with it all, and am infinitely happier without her in my life, it has been transformative for my self esteem and worth and understanding who I am as a person, though in many ways has made the situation feel sadder because I can see with much more clarity what my childhood has cost me over the breadth of my adult life. I wish her no ill will, but she will not change and I think in those circumstances you have to choose yourself over the concept of wishing she was a different kind of mother.

Yes... just posted about her on another thread so too emotionally exhausted to get into it here as well. Just thinking about her drains my energy and puts me in a bad mood. We are NC at the moment but I have regular nightmares about her and she is on my mind a lot during the day... she has programmed me to feel guilty if I'm not 100% obedient and dedicated to her all the time.

This was my mother too. It was horrible thinking that she was happy when things went wrong in my life. So violent when I was young too.

She stopped speaking to me and called me 'evil'. Two years later, she was injured in a car accident and died.

I don't miss her.

I have always envied people who say their mother is their best friend.

@Grapefruitstars My mother died earlier this year and it is a huge relief not having to deal with her. She died a lonely, bitter old lady who still made up lies about me. She was a huge narcissist and fantasist my entire life. After becoming a mother and as my child hit certain milestones, I found it increasingly more difficult to understand her behaviour and her treatment of me. Through reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (thanks to the Stately Homes thread on here) I began to understand methods to keep her at arms length and to grieve for the relationship I should’ve had, versus the one I had received throughout my life. My Dad was a lovely man but he was her enabler and I’m still angry at the fact that as a child I had no advocate.

it’s terribly hard going through life with the one person who should be your champion actively trying to trip you up. What I would say is that you can break the cycle. I am the mother I always wanted and I think being raised by someone so damaged (and frankly, deranged ) has actually been a bit of a superpower.

There are many of us out there without the ‘Hallmark card’ relationships with Mother’s. It’s shit but they are never going to change. Only you can change your reaction to their behaviour. Once you grasp a good technique and establish contact on your terms you will feel better about the situation.

💐for you. It is shit dealing with this.

Thank you ladies. It just seems an odd way to behave. I've tried to change it for my own child and just hope I succeed.

I’m afraid I have one of these mothers too. Zero self-awareness, never in the wrong, everyone else is at fault, never happy. She was always this way but it took years for me to see that it was not normal behaviour. I am in my 50s and still feel physically anxious before calling her (I live a few hours away). My DF died a good few years ago now, he was a quiet, kind man and his mother was similar to mine so I think he didn’t really see any issue. I am expected to call her everyday, and she complains and bitches for 20-30 mins. I am sympathetic to all the ailments of her age, but it’s the nastiness about everybody and lack of gratitude. She complains about the dinners brought by my sibling (dry, no sauce etc) about no one visiting, but also about people visiting - thought they’d never go etc. She has said horrible stuff to people, manipulative and nasty things. Lots of guilt-tripping. She’s a very jealous and discontent person. I am always thinking three steps ahead when telling her stuff…if I mention this, she’ll think this, then she’ll be angry/jealous/negative/mean about that..sort of process. I hardly tell her anything meaningful and she’ll make it her issue. One sibling didn’t tell her of their cancer diagnosis/treatment twice (abroad) as it would have been all about her.

I try to do the grey man technique, bland conversations, try to avoid any conflict as it’s just easier on me. There is no such thing as a constructive argument with her - if you query the mildest thing she feels contradicted, or corrected and retaliates. If she asks for your opinion and it doesn’t agree with hers, she will take it as a slight against her and gets angry. I’m talking about stuff like whether something fits her or not, not politics or religion! I am so conflict-avoidant from this upbringing.

Does the sweet old lady act when it suits, but behind closed doors is so different. She doesn’t even have the excuse of an abusive childhood.
Thanks for reading - way too long but actually way too short - good to vent a bit though !!!!