What do you do when your kid has an AWFUL bf/gf? I think I've messed up

[SausageChopsBellyFlops]

I'm just learning to navigate this teenage thing.

15yo has an awful boyfriend. He's isolating her away, doesn't like her speaking to other boys, has lied about some fairly significant things in his past to excuse his behaviour towards dd. There's not one massive thing he has done wrong, but there's a regular timeline of smaller incidents that builds into a big picture.

DD has done the freedom programme (her dad was abusive so I've always been so careful about her falling into this trap) and she agrees that his behaviour is off, but <insert excuse here>.

I totally messed up, I was scared for her safety when she was at his (45 mins away by bus) and sent a message telling her to get home, he's abusive and isolating her away etc. It was too much, I know this now. He read it.

I don't feel good about this relationship at all, but, having been in abusive relationship myself I realise I can't ban her from seeing him as she still will but then have to hide it from me.

I'm just at a loss on what to do here.

Any advice or experience would be very appreciated. I'm struggling with this one

Become her ally and support or she might isolate herself. Try not referring to him and maybe encourage friends round for pizza so she can open up.

Never refer directly to him in a negative way.

Be very supportive of her.
Spend time with her 1:1
listen to her
Ask her about the future / things she wants in abstract ways
Facilitate her staying in touch with friends
Make him welcome on your home that way she will spend more time at home with you too.

It’s a tough one !

in my late teens/early twenties I had a horrendous bf. He was a total dick. Abusive. Made me feel horrendously anxious and depressed. Looking back I think I had some sort of trauma bond going on.

anyway my own mum was so forceful in telling me to break up with him, not allowing him in the house etc I just ended up sneaking around and lying loads. She would try to check my phone, my room n everything to see if he had been there, anyway due to her being so forceful and giving me no privacy I ended up pushed more towards him and I would have broke it off entirely a lot sooner had she backed off !

I would try ur very best to just keep a close relationship with her while respecting her privacy but gently say how concerned u r.

Thank you, I've totally fucked up being her ally though.

I kept it in for the months they have been together, then got scared and sent that stupid text the other day and she has barely talked since.

We have always been so close. I apologised for the text, explained it was because I was scared but I should have handled it better, but now he has seen it, it's all "your mum just doesn't understand us". He refuses to come here since he dumped her a few months ago because she was going out then spent a few hours threatening suicide before I contacted the police for a welfare check on him, because I made dd block him overnight until the suicide threats stopped.

He has driven all her friends away the last few months as well, so no one to invite for pizza currently.

I know I need to let this play out to some extent, but fuck it's so hard.

Trauma bond is exactly right. This guy is exactly like her dad, who she hasn't seen for 6 years at this point.

How did they meet? If it was at school or an activity can you have a quiet word with one of the safeguarding leads? Maybe even if it's not a relationship that started at school ask them If there is any support they can offer by way of a mental health liaison or an indirect class in PHSE lesson on looking after yourself/others experiencing coercive control.

With your daughter 15 is a horrible age. Keep reminding her you're there, invite her friends, peers and boyfriend round make your home welcoming to all. Encourage her to have them there together. Remind her you're there but otherwise she's got to make her own mistakes. All you can do is provide the tools to build her resilience and self worth to walk away.

It's also time to rebuild friendships. New year new start time for her to swallow her pride and go back to her old friendships. Offer up a NYE gathering maybe? Otherwise encourage her to engage in activities that take her away from him, study groups, gym membership, part time job etc. she needs things that will build her sense of self worth.

They met at college, I emailed the college after he was threatening suicide just so they could keep an eye on him and support him.

This, allegedly, enduced a panic attack in him, and this is another reason he can't be near me.

She has a part time job, he meets her outside when her shift ends.

He has pretty much scared her friends away, at the moment he is her world.

It's so frustrating, I remember being 15, so I know what she's thinking, and I've met a million boys like him so I know the way I reacted is playing right into his hands too.

She knows, and I remind her daily, that I'm always here, day and night. And she will come around, but watching this play out is like waiting for her to be in a car crash and doing nothing about it.

How old is he? Is there an uncle/aunt/friend of yours that your dd likes who could talk to her?

How is she 15 and at college? What's the age gap?

He's 16.

The college here works with the school, so she's doing this specific course there this year with a view to getting the qualifications to do the course she needs, to get into the career she wants, next year. Not ideal, but school wasn't working out for her and she's getting on so much better with her education at college.

Is pulling her out and transferring to a different setting an option? It's drastic but if the college aren't supporting their students wellbeing (especially one that is out of cohort) I'd be seriously considering it as an option.

I was in a relationship like this when I was in my late teens. My mum, quite rightly, had huge concerns about this relationship and one day, in utter desperation, ended up blurting out everything she didn't like about him/his behaviour/his treatment of me. Even though I knew deep down she was right about her observations, it didn't make me think "oooh yes, you're right"- on the contrary it made me feel like I had to defend him. I thought I was so grown up and didn't need a parent telling me what I should be doing in my own relationship. It did cause issues between us and I would go weeks without contacting my mum at all because I got worried about her bringing him up again (I was away at university). Nothing anyone said about him sunk in at all, I just lived in denial knowing deep down they were all right but not wanting to accept he was a lost cause. It took a lot of awful behaviour on his part, for me to realise how bad the relationship was and how it was never going to get better, before I finally ended it with him.

You need to find ways to keep her close to you, days out, quality family time together etc, and definitely don't talk negatively about him. She needs to know the door is always open for her. She will come round eventually to his awful ways but you don't want to put a wedge between you and her whilst she works this out. The more she feels like you're against her and this relationship the more ammunition you give him for an "us against the world" narrative.

There's nowhere for her to transfer to unfortunately.

However I don't think stopping her seeing him would work, she will anyways, all that would change is that she would have to hide everything from me and I don't want that.

@RockStarship I did exactly what your mum did, and I know I've fucked up by doing that, dds a bit younger than you were so I guess I have more chance to make things up to her. We do have a few things booked in over Xmas together, and he is, thankfully, away for a couple of weeks over the festive period so I'm hoping with the combination of quality time and him being away will help. I will absolutely be keeping my mouth shut from here on in. I'm just scared he will hurt her one day or do something that can't be taken back.

I'm so sorry you went through what dd is going through. It absolutely sucks, I was over a decade before I got out of mine.

I fucked up in pretty much the same way. In our case DD was 14 and the boy was 17, so it ended up triggering safeguarding issues for reasons other than him just being an abusive twat, anyway a very very long story without a happy ending yet, but I totally sympathise. Is she open to working with your local DV services again - there might be a young persons IDVA?

Sorry to hear that @WarningOfGails i really hope your dd is OK now.

She won't accept he is abusive so she wouldn't get involved at all.

He has created this super tragic backstory which means he has 'reasons' for being angry, or clingy or jealous.

I did some investigating and his tragic backstory is a total lie.

Dd won't accept this and just excuses his behaviour.

She says she doesn't want him to leave her like her dad did, and that she will be lonely without him, and that she loves him. His manipulation of my darling girl shines through her every word.

Don't feel bad about saying something to her about him. Firstly, it's a learning curve and tbh I would probably do the same if my own dd went through it even though I know it doesn't do any good in the short term. But secondly, I spoke to my mum about it all years later, and she said that even though she knew she shouldn't say anything negative about him/the relationship she couldn't in good conscience not speak out. She wanted to know that she had done what she could at the time so that if I tackled her about it years later she wouldn't beat herself up thinking "if only I'd said something to her". And she was right. No one wants to look back and wish they'd had that difficult conversation rather than stay silent. You've said what you've said, she knows how you feel, so now you can move forward and gently support her and give her an opportunity to see it for herself.

I’m in the same situation with my daughters boyfriend, same ages, I very much dislike him. I feel he’s very controlling, tracks where she is going, questions who she is with non-stop and accuses her of lying (even though he’s tracking her on Life360) and just lies to her all the time.

I’m not really handling it all very well to be honest and somehow need to learn how to keep my mouth shut but I really struggle.

I think you need to get back on to the college, but not about him about her. This was at a secondary school admittedly and a fairly small nurturing one, but our safeguarding team did a lot of work with a girl of the same age as your daughter who was in an abusive relationship with another pupil - we got her out of it in the end. The college will have a safeguarding team and they should be able to help.

I completely agree with this, you haven't done anything wrong by speaking up as long as you now focus on being there for your daughter and supporting her.

I had a dreadful boyfriend when I was a teenager. My parents mostly stayed out of it (despite saying years later they were very worried about me and jumped for joy when he dumped me.) However my mum did say once that he was no good. Of course I didn't really listen at the time but my mum's comment became a little voice in the back of my mind telling me things weren't right. You have said your piece and now can prepare on being there for her when it all inevitably blows over.

Just keep talking to her if she wants to.

It’s such a hard position for a parent to be in. I put my poor parents through this when I was 16-19. Boyfriend was a bit older and was controlling. He gradually cut me off from my friends, controlled what I wore and who I spoke to, and painted my parents as being too strict and (ironically) controlling so I began to see them as the enemy. I wasn’t happy in the relationship, but in my (immature) mind, his control of me was a sign that he REALLY loved me and that we were having this big tragic love affair that no-one else understood. I thought I was very grown-up because I was in a relationship that was ‘complicated’.

My Mum did express concerns about the situation often (which drove me further away because what did she know?!) but looking back, what she didn’t do at any point was criticise him as a person. So she might say for example ‘I worry that you don’t see your friends as much as you used to and you used to really enjoy that’ rather than saying ‘he won’t let you have friends’ (which was the truth).

I moved in with him when I was 18, and very quickly became a borderline alcoholic (he had a problem with alcohol). By this point, non-consensual sexual stuff was happening too, as well as gaslighting so that I thought I was mad. (I was drinking so much then it was hard to know what was true). He would also punch walls and doors, deliberately break things etc, so his aggression was ramping up. Eventually I saw the light and phoned my mum in floods of tears at 6.30 one morning saying ‘Please can I come home?’ She and dad were outside the flat within an hour, helping me with my stuff. I went home and mum never said ‘I told you so’. She just said ‘I’m really glad you came home’.

I never quite forgave myself for the whole debacle, especially as Mum had had treatment for cancer during that time.

Your DD is so young- I’m sure she will come to her senses. I hope that won’t take too long. 💐

It's so hard. All you can do is be there and step in.

I don't think it's a bad thing necessarily to have said something. I had a monstrous boyfriend in my early twenties. Didn't date for years afterwards. When we finally split my family confessed they couldn't stand him. I had no idea. I felt at the time that they just didn't care enough about my welfare to bother intervening when he was abusive. I wished I'd had a parent who said: This is not right.