Child loosing interest in a sport he's very good at. What to do?

[dogoncouch]

DC is 8. A couple of years ago he got into a sport quite be accident and became very good very quickly. He now competes regionally (very successfully) and nationally (top 20 for his age group). I have been told by various sources that he has a lot of potential. For the first 18 months he was very zealous about the sport and spent every waking hour practising but for the last 6 months he's got bored, not wanting to train and now a bit meh about competing too. It's an outdoor sport so generally not as appealing in the winter. He says he doesn't want to give up but if his rankings start to slide, this will inevitably follow.

For context he has ADHD - which is a positive in that he's hyperfocused during a competition but I recognise it's also probably the reason he's getting bored now.

I wasn't pushy to begin with but as it became clear he had talent, I've become more invested in helping him succeed (travelling around the country most weekends)

I guess I have 3 options

1. Insist that he sticks to his present regime and hope his interest returns when the summer series begins.
2. let him train when he wants (it's a very flexible sport in this regard) but his rankings will drop and then he will want to quit.
3. Suggest some other sports he might want to swap to now (as I don't want him to swap his active weekends for a games console)

Has anyone been in this situation. What did you do?

I think the problem has been caused by telling him that he's in the top twenty nationally in his age group. He seems to have been motivated by that rather than intrinsically.(not your fault, it's a perfectly normal thing to do).

The problem is, 8 is so young there's no way of actually knowing where he sits nationally, because most kids won't even be competing at this age, so he's not really against everyone; but rather against those who compete. Which won't be very many.

The reality is more kids will come through now and his rankings will fall. That's quite tough for an 8 year old to understand.

Let him step back from it if he wants to BUT he must find another sport or exercise to replace it with..

I think this is key. He doesn't have to spend so much time on that sport, but there is no option to just use the time for screens. If you find a sport lots of his friends do and he can compete with them, that is likely to keep him interested. My son is better at running than football, but more interested at football because that is what his friends play.

Definitely 2 and 3 if he fancies another sport OP.

My son was at national level at a sport at 10 and he fell out of love with it. He now does play it recreationally because we didn't insist he remain at that level.

The children of parents who force them into excessive training regimes mostly give up altogether from what I have witnessed.

Sport has to be fun.

Indeed - for swimming it is a most entirely about body size at 11yo. Those who've already developed or grown quickly will win at this stage. It becomes really hard for them when those they've always beaten catch up and most give up. Put simply, it doesn't actually do a kid any favours to be so 'good' at something before they've put the serious effort in. The eventual winners will be the ones who had to fight for it at the beginning.

Glassyhag - very helpful thank you. To be clear - we are not travelling around the country every weekend as this is a summer sport but between March and September there is something happening most weekends. The travelling has been at his request - not something I've foisted on him ATM its about once a month. We do less than some families. There are other similar sports that we are dipping into - which he enjoys.

He also plays football at school. Swims regularly (family fun rather than lessons) and recently we.ve been ice skating at a Christmas rink - which he loves. He's also learning an instrument as school, so this is not his only interest.

I guess I'm just sad that the thing he got so much pleasure from does not know interest him in the same way...and he's asking for a console for Christmas. He has a switch but until recently never bothered with it.

Glassyhag I think you are right - he's dopa - mined it! He's currently dopa - mining Times Tables Rock Stars and won't be content until he's a rock legend and then won't touch it again.

Like others have said, he's young and you can't force him to continue, just try and encourage him to keep up with it a certain extent maybe, on his terms ie. when he feels like it.

Is there any way of re-igniting his interest?
For example, are there any events involving the top competitors of this sport that you could go and watch? (although this could go the other way and he might lose interest if he thinks he "could never be that good") or visit new state of the art facilities if it's that sort of sport eg. new snowdome if it's winter sports.

I’m not sure what I’d do, but one thing I would NOT do is allow him to switch to screen-time instead of his sport. I’d probably say OK if you want to scale back your time on that sport then you can, but you have to do something else constructive instead. Xbox etc is designed to be addictive so it’s easy for kids to slip into endless gaming.

"Glassyhag I think you are right - he's dopa - mined it! He's currently dopa - mining Times Tables Rock Stars and won't be content until he's a rock legend and then won't touch it again"

I have found what works for me is try hobbies that have multiple branches. So the orchid cultivation led into the mushroom growing as you need a laminar flow hood and excellent sterile technique for any hope of success , so twice the hobby for the single outlay. I also do archery. I started recurve , then barebow and am now doing compound. With reptile keeping I started with tortoises, then pythons and then bearded dragons. I did a sandwich degree made up of various humanity based subjects and then chose the one I enjoyed the most for my masters but since completing my i haven't used it once .

It can be incredibly hard when you have adhd like this. I feel very much like I'm a jack off all trades as I can turn my hand to anything but I'm not a master of anything. I struggle terribly with routine and can't hold down a traditional job as I think so outside the box. I immerse myself in the business, and very quickly identify flaws and work out improvements in my head but have learned you can't suggest them when you have been there for 3-6 weeks as you are told you are an arrogant arse that knows nothing when in reality the boss/manager is just pissed off that you spotted something in a month that they haven't seen in a decade. I feel very much like a failure at pretty much everything despite being told every time I meet new people that I'm fascinating to talk to and very knowledgeable.

But back to the hobbies, I genuinely can't force myself to pursue things that don't give me that dopamine hit, if I am forced ( like I was in school in the 80s-90s I very quickly self sabotage and get so overwhelmed with misery that I shut down. It's the dopamine hits that keep me going every single day and functioning so highly. Without that stimulus, I get chronically depressed and have been suicidal in the past. ADHD is so much more than people think it is.

It's so funny because the minute I saw the title I thought ADHD and then it was! I know people with ADHD say if only they could keep that same intense interest, but it just goes somewhere.

A very long time ago I represented England at a particular sport for about ten years, I also have ADHD.

My advice would be to let him decide. Many people are naturally talented at sport, but elite sport requires huge dedication, lots of sacrifice, money, more money etc. And then there's a good chance a person will only be at the top for a decade or so before their body has had enough. I have multiple injuries that are really starting come back as I age. I've been fortunate enough to compete with and against the best of the best but they all incredibly driven and willing to sacrifice anything. I often wish I'd have been content at club level.

This is perhaps not a battle worth having for reasons other pps have given. It can be frustrating but I've tried to see it like this: it doesn't matter how talented you are at something, you also have to eventually put in the work to be elite-level. A child with ADHD will have to try so much harder to maintain focus (whilst also having to try so much harder to focus on all the other stuff in life) and can be so much more strongly affected by the negative emotions of doing something they no longer like.
So when I get frustrated I try to think 'why does it matter?'
As he gets older (DD is a teen) you'll start to be able to have the conversation about their future self / making the most of opportunities, but that concept is very hard to grasp for most children, never mind one with ADHD.
Having said that, I would always say 'if I let you give up X, you must do something equivalent instead'. So it's not a choice between sport and computer games. Personally I think activity is one of the most important ways of dealing with ADHD.
DD is still really good in her field but we have had to accept that she will never perform at elite level. And honestly, that's not a bad thing (if you think how tough say sport/music/acting are at the highest levels).
Also, in many ways, ADHD is a super power! So where you have to close one door, you'll find another one opening!

Ha ha my Foster son plays for 3 cricket clubs so he's playing every Saturday, Sunday and one evening in the week but still finds time for swimming, running, karate and Crav Maga. OP you might find he would enjoy cross training. So if he's a runner he swims for general fitness etc. that's why my FS cross trains, everything is ultimately about the cricket.

I don't understand why you think it was a waste. He thoroughly enjoyed a hobby for several years and did well at it.

Because if he had kept on enjoying it, it would have been nice for him to continue. Some of the friends he made did and they did some really fun things, traveled to places for it and had some really great experiences.

And I spent years sacrificing everything because of the money and time it took for him to do it!

I’ve never said a word to ds, but I am allowed to have my own feelings and yes, I think it was a waste of not only his talent but everything else that went into years of him doing it.

As someone with ADHD I would try to encourage him to continue for two reasons:

1. His interest will probably peak again. Maybe take a step back if you can to give him a break, his interest will likely return. It usually does. I have a hobby that I get super focussed on for weeks at a time and then I suddenly and completely lose interest. In my youth that would have been that but now I know that the interest will come back after a break so I leave it, knowing I'll come back to it later. Now I know this I have actually been able to maintain a hobby for the first time in my life!

1. Exercise is soooo important for ADHD. It's the most effective "treatment" after medication. On that basis alone I would want him to continue with it and if it takes a step back for a while it would be on the condition if doing another type of exercise. I would not agree to stop it for inactivity.

On top of that he might regret not continuing later in life. ADHDers tend to be impulsive and are not always able to consider the future when making decisions. They also are not very good at a lot of things and often spend their lives feeling like failures or being told they are stupid or lazy. Having something he is really good at could make all the difference to his self-esteem as he moves into adulthood.

Let him relax a bit through the tween years so he doesn't lose touch but also doesn't kill his love of the sport off.

Being best in the whole country for your age group still doesn't really affect your life in any meaningful way. You talk about individual rankings, so I'm guessing it's not a team sport, which offers a lot more than just the sport itself. It is notoriously difficult to carve out a sporting career, and it can always be ended at any minute by injury.

So what would really be "wasted" by him quitting? The prestige? Support him in doing what he enjoys.

So really, is it more about the sacrifices you made in order for him to participate?

As a family we spent 15+ years making many sacrifices and spent thousands. All sorts of things were put on hold, rearranged or missed altogether due to her commitments, and for a long time my life was basically as per my username.
For almost all children, things like music, gymnastics, swimming and dance are just hobbies, however talented they turn out to be. But the determination, ambition and drive to continue has to come from within. It isn't on-the-job training you're paying for, not unless they decide that's what they want as a career. Yes, it's a shame when the talented ones give up and yes, it is disappointing, but all those years of discipline, perseverance and training are not wasted, they stand the dc in good stead whatever path they take in life.

It's definitely not the prestige of being in the top 20 that's turning him off. He's officially 18th but a kid who is lower than him regionally is much higher up the national rankings! 18th is not that impressive - the top 4 or 5 kids are seriously good (but have been in the sport since they were about 4). But much of what everyone has said really resonates with me. I've told him he's not getting a console for Christmas as it is not going to replace his sport but another sport can. He says he doesn't want to give up but I can see that he would rather stay home and play computer games and I think that is the concerning thing.

How many sports actually rank kids at national level at that age? Is this something very niche where you are possibly over estimating what this means?

I think at 8 and with ADHD he needs as many opportunities to do things as possible. I would also very much go for more than one sport, even if it means his rankings drop because what's actually important is to be keeping busy and active.

If he's going to drop out because his rankings will drop this isn't the sport for him. I'm involved with a sport where at u9 level, natural talent, involved parents, often where they stand in age and experience in competing go a long way. That often doesn't carry forwards into older years and the most successful kids are very rarely those excellent u9s. That's not to sound negative but it's worth thinking on.

He's 8. Find something he loves. Lots of successful sports people have had to pick between two sports they are really good at. Just because he's good at this doesn't mean he might not be good at something else.b

I've told him he's not getting a console for Christmas as it is not going to replace his sport

Isn’t that a bit mean to do to an 8-year-old? Surely it’s going to turn him off the sport even more if you’re making it into an obligation.

8 is very young to be so super committed to a sport. Only gymnastics and figure skating (and maybe ballet) require kids to be training insane amounts super young. All other sports I know can be picked up on a more serious level later on.

In my experience, the harder you push, the more miserable and stubborn people become. Adults too. Just let him be; it's his life.

I would add that having a talent is no guarantee of a career. When you look at the tiny percentage of football academy/ballet school graduates who make it to professional status (and the hard, insecure life of most professionals in sport and entertainment) you realise that the best thing talent can give you is not necessarily a career, but enjoyment, health, creativity and social interaction.

I just don't want him to swap his active lifestyle for a games console and also, given his personality and ADHDness, he's likely to make unwise choices in his teenage years and to have him occupied with a sport he's good at, would be advantageous. - these are the words of a caring parent who just wants the best for their child............but there are ways to limit screen time that don't involve a super competitive sport and an adult level of pressure. I get the feeling you would mind less if he was quitting scouts or something.

I would encourage him into other sports as he obviously has natural talent so what he has learned so far will stand to him in other area. Its highly recommended that children try various sports at a young age as they develop overall strength and ability. I am retirement age now and took up a new sport in my 50s. The people who took it up with me have done best if they excelled at other sport in their youth. So the more he stretches himself in different areas the more it will stand to him right through his life.
And not having a console as his friends begin to have one could build resentment going forward. Be absolutely straight about when he can use it; Say only on a Saturday evening and put it away the rest of the time.