Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Relationship breakdowns at work

18 replies

mids2019 · 03/12/2023 07:34

I work in a healthcare niche setting where staff often spend their lives in the place due to geographical difficulties of moving on, family commitment, and relatively few new job opportunities.

In short I feel a lot of my relationships have broken down because of past events and I am working on a civil manner trying to be professional. with people I feel no real liking to In a visceral sense.. I get paid and fulfill my responsibilities to the best of my abilities but in terms of team building there really isnt any impetus. It feels like a divorce where both sides can't leave the building and need to do the housework together.

I think the festive season brings this home where I have no desire to go to the Christmas work place event. There are relatively few people going anyway (another discussion) and I would have to have sat wrong faced making grim smalltalk.

In terms of career opportunities or developing my role there is limited scope and I am having to sit through PDRs.where the forms are designed to suggest progress to management and more about role which aren't going to happen which makes a little bit of a mockery of it all.

Has anyone else been in a similar situatiin? Are there coping mechanisms?

OP posts:
PurpleChrayne · 03/12/2023 07:45

I can't say this has ever happend to me.

Just do your job and try not to get personally involved with people, maybe.

Spookymormonhelldream · 03/12/2023 08:05

Well these are your colleagues. It makes sense to have a good working relationship with them. Beyond that I'd say you're getting too emotionally invested. If you don't want to go to the Christmas party, then don't.
If you're struggling with a lack of career progression, that's a separate issue.

Original poster
mids2019 · 03/12/2023 08:08

@PurpleChrayne

aim to do that absolutely. I think I act responsibly and professionally but then a lot of the relationships are superficial. The 'fesrive' season where I presume people are meant to be 'nice' really jars. Maybe it's just the modern work place?

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Osmond · 03/12/2023 08:12

What are the "past events" you referred to, this sounds like important context we are missing.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 03/12/2023 08:12

It probably feels a bit two faced to be something at Christmas if that isn't built on a foundation of trust and respect. Do you trust and respect your colleagues?

Original poster
mids2019 · 03/12/2023 08:17

@Spookymormonhelldream

I absolutely agree with professional good working relationships and I am civil and polite. I just feel there are some that want more than civil and polite. I don't really.get a lot of the in jokes and I really.feel I don't want to. I have to say to relatives 'no I don't go to work socials ' and they feel that strange as work to them is about the social aspect and the 'banter'. I take your point about emotional investment but aren't we all just a little bit emotionally invested (or disinvested) in life and at work?

OP posts:
Spookymormonhelldream · 03/12/2023 08:21

So does your not wanting to be best friends with your colleagues bother you? Or do you just feel a bit different? Not everyone is the same, which is fine! And I have definitely changed my approach over time too - pre kids I said yes to every invitation 😁. Now I go out with my team about twice a year- Christmas party and usually a leaving or welcome drinks. That's all I can manage (single parent) and I'm assuming it's fine with the team. Well it has to be!
Just do what works for you. If you don't feel like you fit in, is there a possibility of a different role?

Original poster
mids2019 · 03/12/2023 08:23

@Osmond .

There were complaints made about bullying and offensive behaviour made in the past (by me).

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale .

Good question. No I don't particularly trust some of my colleagues but there is an element of professional respect at times but I feel these things should be mutual. I can't seem to put on a false front at Christmas .

OP posts:
Original poster
mids2019 · 03/12/2023 08:27

@Spookymormonhelldream

different role.....very difficult to transfer skills and achieve the same salary to pay the mortgage basically. Paying the mortgage is a priority for me from work but you can't say that openly especially in a health care setting where there is meant to be a focus on the ethos of the NHS.

OP posts:
NowYouSee · 03/12/2023 08:30

mids2019 · 03/12/2023 08:23

@Osmond .

There were complaints made about bullying and offensive behaviour made in the past (by me).

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale .

Good question. No I don't particularly trust some of my colleagues but there is an element of professional respect at times but I feel these things should be mutual. I can't seem to put on a false front at Christmas .

Do you mean you made complaints or others made complaints about your behaviour?

DiamanteFan · 03/12/2023 08:30

I guess the only way to cope is by compartmentalization, and by accepting the situation for what it is - for financial reasons you don't want to move jobs, and that outweighs the lack of genuine camaraderie.

Original poster
mids2019 · 03/12/2023 08:31

I think respect is an interesting concept. Senior management would feel if intrusive and inappropriate for juniour staff to be overly familiar. I guess this a way to keep a rigid line hierarchy.

OP posts:
Original poster
mids2019 · 03/12/2023 08:32

@NowYouSee

I made the complaints.

OP posts:
Osmond · 03/12/2023 08:48

I can empathise with your situation, I am also reluctant to get involved in superficial work BS. That said, a bit of BS can go a long way.

sixteenfurryfeet · 03/12/2023 09:01

Most working relationships with colleagues are superficial. You are pleasant from day to day, get the job done and that's it.

Just because you work together doesn't mean you need to develop friendships with people. The only thing you have in common is that you are in the same building at the same time - you haven't chosen to spend time with them because you like them.

Giraffescarf · 03/12/2023 09:43

Stay professional, cheerful and friendly. I find people pick up in negative mental energy so I make sure to be positive and find good points about everyone I work with. Feeling positive about people mentally often leads to better relationships.

Even if the only positive thing you can think is "they are good at their job" " they really care about patients" " they turn up on time everyday" it is a start.

NowYouSee · 03/12/2023 10:13

Honestly? If you’ve made complaints about people you can hardly expect them to be your best buddies.

But in any event it isn’t essential to be friends with people you work with. You don’t have to like them and they don’t have to like you. I work with various people I don’t particularly like or that I know don’t particularly like me but as long as we remain courteous and professional that is fine. If I or them were to move jobs I would feel completely neutral about not seeing them again.

And by coping you make sure your behaviour is always appropriate and get your friendships out of work.

Original poster
mids2019 · 03/12/2023 11:48

@NowYouSee

Wise words. Absolutely take the point after complaints then you can't be 'best buddies' but you can work professionally.

Its hard as you have to put a game face on. I think it's difficult personally to take it off for outside work .

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page