Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Do I need to back off?

24 replies

Hammondhugh · 02/12/2023 23:52

Is it best I (31f) take a step back from this situation with him (41m)

He doesn’t really look his age he’s 10 years older than me. . He’s not really my usual type. But he’s actually hilarious. I’ve never come across a guy that I find that funny.

Now the issue is. I have quite blunt banter. As in I give as good as I get. I often do it with him at work and I spend around an extra 2 hours at work at the end of the day sometimes just to talk. It’s silly I know but Christ I fancy him. I just have no clue how he feels at all.

I’m so bored of figuring out mixed signals. But the age gap is an issue.

I actively flirt with him though. After the work Xmas do. I got a little drunk there. We had some banter but nothing really happened. Anyway, I know I said some stupid things to him drunk. So I avoided him for about 2 days, cowering my head as I walked past or just generally going back the other way if I saw him coming.

Anyway, he approached me the other day because I was kind of ignoring him. He said. "hey. You ignoring me or something. I always see you walk the other way." Anyway I laughed it off and said "maybe but only because of what you said at the Xmas party". I backed off just to see what he might do. He was the one who re started the convo.

I stayed 2 extra hours after work to talk to him. And I made some very obvious flirting comments. Like I showed him my work and he went "oh fu*k me that's a lot" I went "oof steady on. No thanks" he then just laughed at me and I said "come on hurry up I need my laptop back". I said "can't you do two things at once. I could teach you" so a major sexual innuendo tbh. He then just kept laughing at what I said.

Then we spoke about a guy at work who likes my other colleague. He then went "never know. He might like you and be going through her first" I said "no he's not my type anyway." He went "why not. He's close to your age. He's decent and friendly. Has a nice house" I went. "Yeah it's still a no." I said "he's got a bad haircut too" he went. "It's like mine" and I said "yeah but yours is nice his isn't" he then said "see it doesn't hurt to say nice things to me once in a while. (Said sarcastically)”

Later in the convo he mentioned he had met up with an ex, he said honestly we just ended up arguing in the end. I then said an ex from 4 years back still dipping in and out the scene is odd af. And I said they only come back for one thing anyway. I blocked all mine.

In the end, I just joked about his age and he went "why can't you say nice things you cheeky bi*ch"

He then had to speak to someone at work who I know he doesn’t like. I gave him a little look after and he went “I saw that face. Tell me what you’re thinking” or something along those lines.

I told my colleague all about this and she insists that he tries it on with me. I just don’t see it. Also is the age gap odd? Shall I just get a grip and leave it alone now? I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’ve always caught feelings very easily.

I could just do with some advice here..

OP posts:
ANightingale · 02/12/2023 23:56

You are flirting very obviously with him but he hasn't made a move, which suggests he is probably enjoying the ego-massage but isn't interested in taking things beyond 'banter'. I'd take a step back if I were you.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 02/12/2023 23:58

Assuming he is single and available, l wouldn't worry about the age gap at all.
Go for it!

Original poster
Hammondhugh · 02/12/2023 23:58

ANightingale · 02/12/2023 23:56

You are flirting very obviously with him but he hasn't made a move, which suggests he is probably enjoying the ego-massage but isn't interested in taking things beyond 'banter'. I'd take a step back if I were you.

I think he has tried. He once said ( a very long time ago) when trying to show me someone “I would ask for your number but that would be unprofessional of me” I was in a relationship at the time. Then said something about going out the once but I didn’t pick up on the hint.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
CruCru · 03/12/2023 00:03

I don’t think the age difference is that big a deal. If you were a teenager it would be but you are both proper adults.

I will say that it sounds as though you are making a lot of effort - staying an extra two hours after work? It sounds as though he enjoys the banter with you but perhaps is not making the effort in the way you are.

The Rules are not popular on here but really, they are a proxy for how someone would act if they had really mega high self esteem. Dress as though you have nice plans after work and leave on time. Don’t be available at all times - he knows you like him. Invest in people who invest in you.

I am quite a bit older than you but I wonder if your banter at work will become a problem. If I heard a man call a woman a cheeky bitch at work I would be quite affronted. You need this job.

Original poster
Hammondhugh · 03/12/2023 00:09

CruCru · 03/12/2023 00:03

I don’t think the age difference is that big a deal. If you were a teenager it would be but you are both proper adults.

I will say that it sounds as though you are making a lot of effort - staying an extra two hours after work? It sounds as though he enjoys the banter with you but perhaps is not making the effort in the way you are.

The Rules are not popular on here but really, they are a proxy for how someone would act if they had really mega high self esteem. Dress as though you have nice plans after work and leave on time. Don’t be available at all times - he knows you like him. Invest in people who invest in you.

I am quite a bit older than you but I wonder if your banter at work will become a problem. If I heard a man call a woman a cheeky bitch at work I would be quite affronted. You need this job.

Tbh I think the culture at work is just that way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hammondhugh · 03/12/2023 00:12

CruCru · 03/12/2023 00:03

I don’t think the age difference is that big a deal. If you were a teenager it would be but you are both proper adults.

I will say that it sounds as though you are making a lot of effort - staying an extra two hours after work? It sounds as though he enjoys the banter with you but perhaps is not making the effort in the way you are.

The Rules are not popular on here but really, they are a proxy for how someone would act if they had really mega high self esteem. Dress as though you have nice plans after work and leave on time. Don’t be available at all times - he knows you like him. Invest in people who invest in you.

I am quite a bit older than you but I wonder if your banter at work will become a problem. If I heard a man call a woman a cheeky bitch at work I would be quite affronted. You need this job.

Also. Stayed two hours, talking to him.. not just sat there😂

OP posts:
Galectable · 03/12/2023 00:14

Staying after work to chat for 2 hours is a problem for me. That's massive flirting. Workplace romances are not a good idea, in your shoes I'd cool it right down. If he asks why you've backed off, say you realise your behaviour was inappropriate.

Original poster
Hammondhugh · 03/12/2023 00:16

Galectable · 03/12/2023 00:14

Staying after work to chat for 2 hours is a problem for me. That's massive flirting. Workplace romances are not a good idea, in your shoes I'd cool it right down. If he asks why you've backed off, say you realise your behaviour was inappropriate.

It’s been going on for a couple months😭

OP posts:
Startrekkeruniverse · 03/12/2023 00:24

It all sounds a bit teenage to me OP. Sorry if that sounds harsh but why don’t you just ask him if he wants to go for a drink? The worst he can say is no.

Original poster
Hammondhugh · 03/12/2023 00:36

Startrekkeruniverse · 03/12/2023 00:24

It all sounds a bit teenage to me OP. Sorry if that sounds harsh but why don’t you just ask him if he wants to go for a drink? The worst he can say is no.

Rejection is very hard to take for me

OP posts:
CallieQ · 03/12/2023 00:40

You sound a bit needy

Original poster
Hammondhugh · 03/12/2023 00:45

CallieQ · 03/12/2023 00:40

You sound a bit needy

I’m anything but😂

OP posts:
Ineedaholidaynowplease · 03/12/2023 01:37

But you do sound it in this situation , staying 2 hours late to talk to him on a regular basis does sound needy. He will definitely know you're into him.
I think you need to figure out whether you think the age gap is an issue or not before you figure out your next steps - it's clearly a potential issue for you

Theresit · 03/12/2023 06:59

For goodness sake just ask him out for a drink if you like him. It’ll either work out or it won’t and life’s too short to be messing around. Everyone hates rejection and yes it might be uncomfortable for a while if he says no, but what if he says yes?

FortunataTagnips · 03/12/2023 07:14

That all sounds very tiresome, but I find endless bantz pretty boring. It really shouldn’t be this hard work. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my many years, it’s that if a man is interested they let you know. If you’re endlessly having to guess, they’re not.

GigiAnnna · 03/12/2023 08:29

I think the age gap is irrelevant in this situation. Unless you usually date younger men, 31 and 41 isn't a big deal. I'd either just ask him out or back off. I wouldn't continue this game. He probably knows you fancy him by you hanging round 2 hours after work. Agree with above poster that if men like you, you know.

ThreeRingCircus · 03/12/2023 09:19

Well, he'll definitely know you fancy him if you're flirting and staying two hours after work (!!) to talk to him.....that bit does sound needy to be perfectly honest.

He hasn't made a move despite knowing this so I'd say he's not that interested but is enjoying the flirting/ego boost. You'd know by now if he was.

Luddite26 · 03/12/2023 09:25

I feel he doesn't want to come across as the office creep so if you're interested say let's go out away from work.

DatingDinosaur · 03/12/2023 10:45

Hammondhugh · 03/12/2023 00:36

Rejection is very hard to take for me

Show quote history

Rejection is hard to take for anyone.

Sounds like he is/was keen but you're the one giving mixed messages/pushing him away. Why? What are you protecting yourself from?

Original poster
Hammondhugh · 03/12/2023 19:51

DatingDinosaur · 03/12/2023 10:45

Rejection is hard to take for anyone.

Sounds like he is/was keen but you're the one giving mixed messages/pushing him away. Why? What are you protecting yourself from?

Show quote history

I just hate rejection. Knocks my confidence.

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 03/12/2023 20:13

God just say you want to shag him already. All these games and innuendo, its so playground, how can you (or he) bear it?

Original poster
Hammondhugh · 03/12/2023 20:20

CalistoNoSolo · 03/12/2023 20:13

God just say you want to shag him already. All these games and innuendo, its so playground, how can you (or he) bear it?

haha😂I like the thrill of the chase sometimes.

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 03/12/2023 20:47

Hammondhugh · 03/12/2023 20:20

haha😂I like the thrill of the chase sometimes.

Show quote history

So why are you posting on here wringing your hands about some guy who could take it or leave it?

DatingDinosaur · 03/12/2023 21:59

Hammondhugh · 03/12/2023 19:51

I just hate rejection. Knocks my confidence.

Show quote history

But it sounds like, in this case, you're bringing the potential rejection on yourself by creating this massive banter barrier round yourself. There's only so much a guy will put up with before he either thinks you're not interested/friendzoned him or he loses interest.

FWIW, I've been in your shoes. At first I was a bit oblivious. Then, when I twigged he was showing interest in being something more than pals I crapped myself and ramped up the lad banter in case he guessed I liked him. WHYYYY? FFS, I liked the guy and was thrilled/terrified that he was interested. Needless to say, I blew it and he's now happily with someone else. I think I just liked the idea that someone I liked, liked me back and was actually upset when I found out he'd given up and moved on. Bonkers.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread