My mum's reaction isn't normal is it? Or am I going mad?!

[losenotloose]

I've just relayed a story to my mum and her reaction has baffled me. The story is ds2's friend isn't speaking to his dad. He told ds2 this is because his dad had sex with his maternal grandma. Obviously we were both open mouthed with shock but when I told dm she seemed very calm about it and said, "well it's not normal exactly, but it does happen. You like the daughter so you'll like the mother", as if it was not that bad. She then said that since his mum and dad had split up he obviously needed a substitute. I told her he'd slept with his mother in law while they were still together but it's neither here nor there.

Honestly, I'm a bit disgusted with her response. It's not normal, is it?!

Am I wrong?

FWIW I'm pretty grossed out by both the original story and your mother's reaction. I kind of think my mum would react in a similar way, but she has dementia and I'd be able to say/believe/hope she doesn't fully grasp the situation.
As for your childhood, that's awful. I'm so sorry for you that you had to ensure that.

There's a report function.

@PosterBoy what? You think this is a fake story? I've been on mumsnet for years. I wish it was made up. Believe me, my mum totally justifies her behaviour and thinks society is the problem.

OP, I think the most helpful thing to focus on here is managing your own reaction to your mother's extremely weak sexual boundaries.

You know there's a long history of that with her, yet you still seem surprised and upset when she is dismissive of what most people would consider to be wildly inappropriate behaviour.

If you intend to continue having a relationship with her, knowing how she is, I would try to be more aware of not heading into any conversational territory where you risk feeling disgusted by her views and having traumatic memories from your childhood triggered.

I mean, there may be another conversation to be had about the true value of a relationship where you have to tip-toe around whole areas of conversation to avoid a traumatising response, but perhaps that's one you want to leave for another day.

@CheekyHobson thank you. I told my sister how dm reacted and she basically said I don't know why you're surprised. I think I was hoping for her to react 'normally'. It just reinforces how twisted her brain is.

It’s completely normal to keep hoping for better from people we feel “stuck with” for lack of a better term. But part of the maturing process is learning that some people are simply not capable of being or willing to be better.

I’m obliged to stay in contact with my ex because we are co-parents, but conversations with him are almost wholly a game of me politely swerving any topics where I am likely to find myself upset or aggravated by his opinions (which is pretty much everything except the weather).

I used to hope that he might mellow with age or would magically develop the ability to see reason, but now I’ve accepted that the only sensible way forward is for me to maintain extremely strict boundaries around him, cause he has no boundary awareness at all.

You're absolutely right, I should have learned by now. I think there's just a part of me that longs for a normal mum. At least I know I'm not doing the same to my own children.

This. Older people have seen and heard it all before, so their sense of shock is not going to be the same as a younger person's.

You being disgusted by her reaction is a bit OTT.

It sounds as though you've had a pretty awful childhood, but this is a separate incident. If you told me this story about your DS2's friend I wouldn't be as horrified as you would expect either. That doesn't mean I think it is acceptable, but I don't see any need to make a big deal about something relating to people I don't know.

I think there's just a part of me that longs for a normal mum.

And that’s pretty normal too. ((Hugs))

I think your sister is right. You weren’t going to get a ‘normal’ answer from her.
But I can imagine it brought back again how weak her sexual boundaries were and still are - aka she hasn’t really changed in the way she sees the world.

It's so hard to process with someone who insists they did nothing wrong and have no regrets. I need counseling!

Your mother is a literal sex offender and (I'm also not going to Google it) probably a child abuser for exposing you to that. Gently OP, don't expect normal reacts from her on anything related to that, or bring it up. Take care of yourself and look into that counselling if you can.

I have to agree with both of these posters. I remember these kind of scenarios being in sensationalist magazines like Take A Break and Womans Weekly which were in every doctors and dentists waiting rooms since time began. There were a lot of eye opening real life stories in those 😯

I would suggest counseling for you and going very very low contact, if not no contact with your mother. I know you want her to be normal, but she's not and unless she's willing to do long-term intensive therapy she never will be.

I'm sorry your mother was unworthy of her children. You need to protect yours now.

I'm wondering why you are telling so many people this story about your DS's friend's Dad and grandmother?

the most helpful thing to focus on here is managing your own reaction to your mother's extremely weak sexual boundaries.

Totally agree. You were shocked by her response even though, based on past behaviour, it was predictable. This suggests that you have never come to terms with the terrible things she did when you were a child.

You would benefit from therapy, @losenotloose

The poster does not have normal boundaries at all, she probably needs years of therapy. The over sharing is typical and sensationalist it’s an addiction to drama having had a dramatic childhood. This scenario was not my childhood but it was very dramatic, been there with the over sharing. In fact people that over share almost always have it as a trauma response. I avoid over sharers now.

Op you do really need to go NC with your Mother she will never be the Mother you want ever.

Sorry but this is absolute rubbish, psychoanalysis crap. I told 5 people, my dh, sister and 3 colleagues who were in the same room. 'Addiction to drama'. You got this from a few anonymous posts on mumsnet? You're right that I would probably benefit from counseling but your comments are pretty insensitive. If I was in a bad place you'd have tipped me over the edge.

"You like the daughter so you'll like the mother"

She is a hoot😂

Just going by the original post, I wouldn't be particularly disturbed by her reaction.
It was probably similar to the reaction I had while reading your story of
"Oh, okay. But weird buuttt who the hell cares? Doesn't make any difference to me and my life."

I also know of someone one whose mum slept with her other half. Pretty sure there's a Netflix show atm about a man sleeping with his sons fiancee. Sure, it's not normal by any stretch but it's not like the guy was doing something illegal.

And your mum, so six people at least

I'm not really sure what you're trying to prove. Out here in the real world people are human and gossip and it's not a sign of poor boundaries or a personality disorder. Only on mumsnet do you get this holier than thou attitude.

She won't agree she did nothing wrong as it's too painful for her. Send her off into depression.
It was wrong. We are here to confirm that she was wrong. So sorry. Talk tj her but move on and enjoy the relationship with your kids x