Women on the verge of a nervous breakdown!

[Notcontent]

Reading recent threads I feel like there are so many women like me - juggling too many things, failing and literally on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I have always believed that women should work even with small children but I also believe that this model only works when you have time to fit everything else in - so, for example, each partner working four days a week so there are only three days in the week where there isn’t a parent in the house to deal with all the other stuff we have to do to keep life ticking over.

Obviously this varies, but can become particularly difficult if you add into the mix children who need extra support, elderly parents, etc.

I have been a working lone parent (doing a job that is not just 9 to 5) for a very long time and I literally sometimes feel like there is nothing left of me to give. Last night I was crying about an appliance that has broken down as it’s just another thing to sort. Can anyone relate?

I'm sorry you feel like this. I'm not in this position now but I recognise it from an earlier period in my life and I empathise.

I was a lone parent for many years too. I nearly cracked when my DC were just about to start school after years of no money (childcare costs left me worse off than being in benefits), limited sleep and no social life (no time or money to do anything). Things got a lot better once the DC went to school as financially it made such a difference. At this point I was able to spend a small amount of time and money on myself and my home (looking after a run down home takes a lot more time than one that is up together). That reconnection with the world ultimately led to a very successful career change, more money and an upward spiral.

I don't know your financial position but poverty is IMO a huge factor influencing whether single parenthood is enjoyable, manageable or miserable. It just affects so much. You can actually manage the challenges of there being a lot to manage and only one if you to do it quite well if you're well organised. But if half your time and mental energy is spent trying to make ends meet it's so much harder.

I got through those difficult years by telling myself it was only temporary and leaning in my wonderful friends (also lone parents). I also think it's vital to do something for yourself as we all need self-fulfilment to be happy. Whether it's achieving a walk every day, baking great cakes, knitting, writing a novel, starting your own business. becoming the CEO or whatever, we need to achieve goals. Doesn't matter if they're big or small. Being defined only in terms of the functions you provide to support others erodes self esteem.

I'm sure you'll have already done everything you can to maximise income/support, so no real advice but yes I relate and I really hope things get better. 💐

@Resilience thank you for your thoughtful message. Some wise words.

i am actually ok financially as I have a professional job - I am thankful that I prioritised that. But as it’s long hours there is nothing left of me. You are so right in what you said about being defined by the functions you perform. That’s me! But perhaps I need to carve out a bit of time for myself.

Yep, I'm a working single parent and I'm just knackered. Constantly feeling the pressure to perform at work but knowing everyone else has help at home from a partner. Even the other single parent has shared care (I have mine much more).

On top of the tiredness and stress, I find it hard seeing how little difference it makes financially. I seem to get screwed over. For example the cliff edge at 50k, where a couple could have 50k each. Eldest will be going to uni soon - they reduce her loan by over 5k based on my salary. That is almost £500 a month for me to find out of my budget, when I also lose child maintenance from the ex. It's a double hit and I've no idea how to afford it.

I can identify OP. I’m part of the so called sandwich generation as I have DD14 but also care part time for DM who has Parkinson’s & Osteoporosis. Luckily I only work part time & I enjoy my job for the most part but sometimes I feel I am trying to juggle too many balls. Doesn’t help that I’m an older Mum as we adopted DD in our 40s.

Yep. In the 60s they would just sign you up for a lifetime of valium and speed so you could relax and get stuff done when you need to. Maybe some ECT if you were too far gone.

What is terrible is they've not really come up with an alternative to replace all that. The only solution I think is to spend as much of your disposable income on either help like cleaners/launderers/takeaways/handymen instead of DIY

Yes, completely.

I have a DS(15) who needs to be collected from the school bus (otherwise it's a 6 mile walk along unlit roads). I'm a single mum and I'm usually very well organised, back-up in place etc, but I've got two late evenings next week, my friends are away and I can't find a taxi firm with availability.

Something has to give. 🙁

I hear you. I'm a widowed mum, work FT in a demanding job with a long commute.

Sometimes I feel stretched so thinly I feel I'm going to snap, others we're a well oiled machine and. Things tick along nicely though. There's no margin of error though. If I'm caught up with something late, everything is thrown out of kilter. If I'm unwell or run down, the housework stacks up around me and with young DC there's rarely any real down time. The responsibility feels huge sometimes, most of the time things are good.

But those dark days are very dark indeed. So, you have my full sympathy, empathy an support, OP. I know it often feels like you're failing in one area or another of life, but you're not. You're bloody amazing.

On top of the tiredness and stress, I find it hard seeing how little difference it makes financially. I seem to get screwed over. For example the cliff edge at 50k, where a couple could have 50k each.

Me too! It's so unfair! I know that makes me sound like a brat to some, but on top of all the other stresses, it really is unfair! But there aren't enough of 'us' for anyone to bother about (which is sad, really), we're not about to riot or loot or cause civil unrest (much like the carers and disabled who are unable to work) so no-one gives a stuff about us!

OP I totally get where you’re coming from , am also a single mum with a professional non 9-5 job and feel utterly frazzled and burned out by life generally. I do think being a single mother is a huge part of it especially with the structural financial disadvantages built into the system that you mention. I don’t have the answer but you’re absolutely not alone out there.

@BeautifulWar I don’t think it’s that there aren’t enough of us, there are plenty of frazzled struggling single parents (especially mothers) out there, it’s just that single parents (like disabled people) have been denigrated and stigmatised for so long to at no government needs to even pretend it cares about us, and I also think there is an issue with society and organisations who should be our voice such as Gingerbread, assuming that single mother = person living in poverty on benefits and not working or working in a minimum wage job. There is some amount of political pressure for people in that situation secondary to benefits and minimum wage issues, and so I believe that people tend to think single parents are covered by that, not understanding that especially with the increased cost of living those of us who aren’t super wealthy but also aren’t on the breadline are starting to find life very tough indeed and could do with a few policies aimed at slightly reliving the general pressure, we literally get no specific help from the government as a group despite lots of data showing how vulnerable we and our children are financially, other than 25 percent less council tax. Even that being upped to say 33 percent would help a little, and as you say making it household income not personal income when it comes to things like paying back child benefit. And improvements to how child maintenance works. A discount on energy prices would be also very helpful.