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Original poster

Help me deal with a work issue. I'm rubbish at confrontation

16 replies

CatOnAMushroom · 30/11/2023 17:21

I'm working fairly closely with a couple of people ("Amanda and Bob") who seem to talk down to me and appear to think I'm stupid. I'm an experienced professional and know my stuff but struggle with confidence a lot. I realise this is my issue and i need to work on it but its deep rooted and not easy to solve especially as im trying to build myself up feom a mental breakdown at the end of last year.

There have been lots of minor issues with A and B so far which have caused me to feel shit. A and B are also very popular and work together a lot.

I passed over some work to Amanda today which is her area of work. She has written in a document available to our whole team that CatOnAMushroom has asked her to do A, B and C and why these things are totally inappropriate. I agree, as I asked her to do D, E and F 🤷🏼‍♀️

It now looks like I'm an idiot and don't know my own role or Amanda's. I know I need to deal with this but due to past experience I know I'll turn to mush and start apologising for being alive.

I showed the document to a friend in another team who things Amanda is childish - but only after hearing my explanation ehich isn't available to everyone

Any advice from people who have these skills. Please be kind!

OP posts:
StoorieHoose · 30/11/2023 17:28

Do you have a teams channel or anything you can point out to her (and everyone else can see) that she is wrong and reiterate what you asked her?

IncompleteSenten · 30/11/2023 17:30

Add your own message saying you are sorry she misunderstood, that you had in fact asked her to do d, e and f not a, b and c (add in when you told her and how (ie face to face, via email etc) and if she needs further support or clarification please come and talk to you.

Original poster
CatOnAMushroom · 30/11/2023 17:41

It's a complicated to explain a it's a client file but I can't add to the document, I can only send a message to Amanda about it not everyone (as it would be a totally weird thing to do that). I have sent a message but Amanda is ignoring it.

I just want to be the sort of person that can confidently address this face to face without coming out of the situation worse than I started

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 30/11/2023 17:53

Unfortunately that only comes with practice. You need to be able to make yourself go and say

Rehearse it first if you have to.

Either that or ask for your manager's support.

Have you looked into training courses on confidence building, dealing with difficult people/situations, that sort of thing?

CesareBorgia · 30/11/2023 17:54

IncompleteSenten · 30/11/2023 17:30

Add your own message saying you are sorry she misunderstood, that you had in fact asked her to do d, e and f not a, b and c (add in when you told her and how (ie face to face, via email etc) and if she needs further support or clarification please come and talk to you.

Edited

This.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 30/11/2023 18:05

Honestly? As you have already sent her a message (I assume with wording similar to what IncompleteSenten said, and she has done this before, I would await her response and then if it wasn't an apology of sorts - to all - then I would forward the evidence of what you sent and asked, her bitchy response, and your answer, to your manager and ask them to assist you with dealing with it as Amanda is clearly not open to a good working relationship with you.

Don't be bothered about being nice to people are horrible to you. Especially colleagues who - as evidenced here - will throw you under the bus as soon as look at you. Do bring in your senior to help you deal with someone essentially ganging up on you.

Good luck. I know it's hard. But you can't exist knowing this person is actively trying to make you look stupid.

Original poster
CatOnAMushroom · 30/11/2023 18:10

IncompleteSenten · 30/11/2023 17:53

Unfortunately that only comes with practice. You need to be able to make yourself go and say

Rehearse it first if you have to.

Either that or ask for your manager's support.

Have you looked into training courses on confidence building, dealing with difficult people/situations, that sort of thing?

Thanks - I agree that a confidence building/assertiveness course would be a good idea. I'll see what I can find.

Unfortunately as we have different managers that don't communicate it's a bit tricky to take it higher. There are also multiple alliances/family ties in the departments that I have to be mindful of. I don't feel I can take this higher and create an issue as I've tried this with similar before and it wasn't dealt with

OP posts:
Original poster
CatOnAMushroom · 30/11/2023 18:11

I think I also a bit bruised from an incident out of work last year when a carefully rehearsed conversation escalated and is still affecting me

OP posts:
DinkyDonkey2018 · 30/11/2023 18:15

Do you have meetings where most or all of the people will be there? I'd be tempted to clarify it then an there "I've been doing X Y and Z and have passed on some work to Amanda. To clarify, the work passed over was for D E and F to be completed which seems to have been lost in translation somehow. Amanda, I hope you received my email clarifying this and would appreciate you coming to me directly if you're confused by it. Thanks".

Original poster
CatOnAMushroom · 30/11/2023 18:21

DinkyDonkey2018 · 30/11/2023 18:15

Do you have meetings where most or all of the people will be there? I'd be tempted to clarify it then an there "I've been doing X Y and Z and have passed on some work to Amanda. To clarify, the work passed over was for D E and F to be completed which seems to have been lost in translation somehow. Amanda, I hope you received my email clarifying this and would appreciate you coming to me directly if you're confused by it. Thanks".

Sadly not! The structure in my workplace is hard to explain but there are no meetings with all involved where it would be relevant to raise this. My only option is to raise it alone

OP posts:
DinkyDonkey2018 · 30/11/2023 18:23

CatOnAMushroom · 30/11/2023 18:21

Sadly not! The structure in my workplace is hard to explain but there are no meetings with all involved where it would be relevant to raise this. My only option is to raise it alone

Show quote history

How annoying. In that case, I'd probably do as a PP suggested and take it to your line manager for some support in dealing with it. Don't be shy about pointing out what was inappropriate about her behaviour. The sooner you deal with it, the less likely it is to continue. Unfortunately shying away from this sort of thing puts a target on your back for being a bit of a doormat and it may get worse.

Original poster
CatOnAMushroom · 30/11/2023 18:56

DinkyDonkey2018 · 30/11/2023 18:23

How annoying. In that case, I'd probably do as a PP suggested and take it to your line manager for some support in dealing with it. Don't be shy about pointing out what was inappropriate about her behaviour. The sooner you deal with it, the less likely it is to continue. Unfortunately shying away from this sort of thing puts a target on your back for being a bit of a doormat and it may get worse.

Show quote history

Thank you. Very true. I know I need to nip in the bud.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 30/11/2023 19:03

You need to correct the misunderstanding with her directly before taking it to a manager.

Eg send her an email directly attaching the document and saying what @IncompleteSenten suggested.

TicTacNicNak · 30/11/2023 19:04

When you pass work to Amanda is it possible to pass electronically so that you include a message outlining what she has to do? That way you have it in writing.

If it's not something electronic, maybe follow up after with an email confirming you passed her such and such a job today and she needs to do D, E and F.

Original poster
CatOnAMushroom · 30/11/2023 20:56

TicTacNicNak · 30/11/2023 19:04

When you pass work to Amanda is it possible to pass electronically so that you include a message outlining what she has to do? That way you have it in writing.

If it's not something electronic, maybe follow up after with an email confirming you passed her such and such a job today and she needs to do D, E and F.

It was passed electronically!

I can't quite understand why or how she's done this. It's just bizarre but there seems to be a pattern to it

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 01/12/2023 11:58

When you say you can't add to the client file do you mean you don't have access and physically can't or that you worry it'll cause a fuss?

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