I'm usually quiet and softly spoken but today I snapped - now embarrassed

[angrytodayy]

I'm not sure why but the last couple of days I've just felt so angry and argumentative, it may be hormonal as I'm due on next week but I'm never like this. I had a group meeting for a university assignment and I've been feeling fed up and stressed out about it. I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and I also have already got a degree and master's so I have quite high standards and good experience, and I'm trying to direct the project into the right direction but group members are disagreeing with me on every little thing. I've been very accepting and easygoing about it, but with the deadline approaching I've just lost patience and I found myself being assertive and disagreeing with group members, and explaining why.

As we were leaving the group then joked how they can't wait for this assignment to be over, and I've left feeling really guilty like I've soured the mood or made it more stressful. I'm usually quite passive, and very quiet. I feel embarrassed that I've come across poorly, although I think trying to look at it objectively I did say my opinions with a polite tone, the same way they were saying their opinions so I think I wasn't awful? Idk.

Don't be embarrassed, you're perfectly entitled to speak out. It may be out of your comfort zone, but embrace finding your voice.

You didn't snap. You did your job. Being passive won't get you anywhere, and never feel guilty for being politely assertive.

This. Being assertive and not passive is a good thing. And don't ever blame your hormones for your (perfectly reasonable) feelings.

Sounds like you did exactly the right thing, well done.

Honestly, if you are usually quiet the fact that you stood up for what needed to be done probably will really stick with people and they'll respect it.

It sounds all good OP, your uncomfortable feelings now are probably related to how new this feels to you. But it sounds like you actually need to give yourself a pat on the back!

It's very hard to be assertive. Especially once you've been passive. Best way is to use jokes if you can. This is the hardest part of working. Influencing others. Take some courses. Get a mentor. Need lots of help with this.

Did you post earlier about your group project that people aren't helping with?

Regardless, I agree with others. Don't apologise for getting annoyed when people are being annoying! And being assertive is rarely a bad thing.

University group work is the pits. One person has to step in and take control. Usually the others are glad for someone to take the reins. I wouldn't take it personally. It just sounds like it's the whole group work dynamic. No one enjoys it.

Good for you. It’s not your job to come across as nice and passive above all else. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being assertive. You might do well to channel that feeling you had today more often!

Don’t apologise for losing your shit.
Sometimes we all need to roar at those who think we are a pushover, it makes them think twice.

Despite how you feel your voice matters. Don’t feel bad for using it. You are allowed to take up space and your opinions deserve equal floor x

Group work is the Devil's work. It sounds as if you're being very reasonable, OP. And don't blame your hormones for normal behaviour.

Good for you.

It does feel very odd to start with, but you do get used to your new work persona in time. It also takes time for other people to see you in a new light as well. 😂
Fake it till you make it, act your socks off, and be pleasant but firm. I spent years pretending to be who I am now. 😎

In your shoes, I’d be asking myself why I was normally so passive an unassertive. Not tolerating other peoples’ time wasting/poor effort isn’t anything to be ashamed of.

A normally placid person snapped at me a few months ago in work and I just let them rant and I apologised before I'd even got to the bottom of why because it was so unlike them!

Was crossed wires a bit, a bit my fault, a bit their fault. We became work friends of sorts because we got to know each other a bit better.

Don't bottle it up. Say your piece before you erupt

Depends if you are in the right though. Losing your shit and telling people they are wrong isn’t the same as being assertive. Im sure they all thought they were right too

Uni group work is a special kind of hell. I once left a group project meeting physically shaking with adrenaline because I had to be the one who took the lead after weeks and weeks of no one doing anything and one of the other women (most of us in the group were mature students) complained that I was "doing too much of the work and not giving anyone else a chance" while in the same breath giving yet another woe is me excuse as to why she hadn't done the part of it she had signed up for. Absolutely batshit. I managed to remain calm but she was screaming at us all.

We got a really high mark for that assignment in the end and the others all thanked me specifically for it.

Don't feel bad. It is a new feeling but that doesn't mean it's negative. You have experience and just as much right to have an opinion as the rest of them. They likely just want it to be over because working in a group is stressful.

Yes. I agree. with @captivate
Plus It's unlikely that you are to "blame" for how they feel. "I've soured the mood or made it more stressful. I'm usually quite passive, and very quiet."

Its very unlikely that you and you alone have soured the mood of the whole group. You reminded them that there is a deadline approaching and they need to get on with it instead of disagreeing with everything. You are probably not the only one feeling that, but you were the only one brave enough to say so. The thing that probably has soured the mood more is the general realisation that they are all running out of time due to time wasting. You can't take responsibility for how they feel about that.

And even if they are a bit cross.... so what? How cross were they making you? Why is their feeling of things being soured or more stressful more important than yours? It isn't.

You stood up for yourself after being patient and trying to get the project moving forward whilst they were not pulling their weight and being petty.
They are not mature students... they are recent sixth formers and working on group projects is a learning curve. Going through the process is more of the lesson than the content.

Its can be really uncomfortable voicing your disagreement, but people get over it and if they don't - what does it matter? It doesn't mean you risk falling out with everyone permanently.
Try not to worry about it too much. In a few weeks time, there will be another project to focus on and with luck you might get a better group or having taken this first step find it a bit easier to say your piece.

I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and I also have already got a degree and master's so I have quite high standards and good experience, and I'm trying to direct the project into the right direction but group members are disagreeing with me on every little thing

Genuine question. Do you feel you should be the natural leader because you're more highly educated or have higher standards? Are you actually a bit bossy?