Help. Which secondary school for DD?

[Helpwhichschool]

If anyone has any advice or has made this decision I would be grateful. I’m on a deadline to decide which secondary school DD should go to.

She moved from our local primary in year 4 to one a little further away. This was because her original class had a toxic culture of meanness and exclusions and over the years quite a few girls left. DD is much much happier in her new school where she has now been for 3 years. She’s a different child since she switched.

The plan had always been to send her to our local secondary school which is excellent and very difficult to get into. But since we live nearby and her older sibling attends she has now been offered a place for next year.

BUT - her old primary school also feeds into this secondary and all the “mean” girls that she was happy to get away from are going there. I’m told by some parents (and teachers) in her old primary that the culture in that class is worse than ever.

Meanwhile her new primary school feeds into a different secondary, not as good but not bad either. All her new friends are going there and DD wants to stay with them.

Both secondaries are large and the chances are she’d make new friends in whichever one she attends.

I’m stuck on this. Leave her with her friends or send her to the better school?

TIA

I would say it depends on the ways in which the school is better and how much difference there is. Also other things like transport. Can she get to both schools independently? Being happy at school and with friends counts for a lot. But if you do decide to send her to the better school it would be worth flagging the bullying history and making sure she’s not in the same form group etc as the mean kids.

Not answering the question, but are you in England and if so what year group?
If y6 then offers haven't been made yet but application choices are in.
If y5 then you have another 11 months to ponder.

What @TeenDivided said. Plus, would you be in the catchment for the different school? It also depends on the intake number. If it’s a big school, she might not see those girls dry much, if at all.

We’re not in the UK and offers (for both schools) have been made now for Sept 24 and choice has to be made this week. If we mess them around we could lose one or both places.

I keep flip flopping between thinking she’ll make friends in the better school when the toxicity is hopefully diluted…vs seeing how happy she is in her current school in a way she definitely wasn’t before.

Transport not a major issue, though she could walk to the better school and will need a short car or bus ride to other school.

If you lived in the catchment for your DDs preferred school, would you be happy sending her there, or be looking elsewhere?

Happiness counts for a lot. Your DD is happy at the moment

If the logistics of it all are workable, go with what your DD wants. Happiness trumps everything else, for me. If she is happy she will work hard, have fun and know that you listened to her.
I believe that most schools are fine for your average child, discussions of one being ‘better’ are often not really that relevant.
There will be nasty kids anywhere of course, but the situation with the old school makes me wonder if these particular girls might seek your DD out, even if you ask for her to be in a different class. If she’s got good friends now I would go there.

You’re right about being happy. Only trouble is I know friendships shift and change a lot in the secondary years. So I hope I’m not putting short term friendships before a school that might be better for her longer term (and also where her sibling is).

In which ways is her sibling’s school better? I don’t go with the idea that happiness is everything, because high quality teaching is also really important. And she could be happy at either. How hot are both options on bullying and pastoral care?

The better school is actually better for anti-bullying - very strong on that. And her sibling is there and very happy. It’s closer to us so she can walk. It’s mixed, which I’d prefer. It treats the pupils as adults and really prepares them for life, encouraging critical thinking and finding their strengths, whether they be academic or otherwise.

The second option can have a reputation for snobbishness and bullying (however DD’s current primary feeder class happens to be a mostly nice one). It is more focused on academics. DD herself is very academic though and this would actually suit her. It definitely wouldn’t suit her sibling.

On paper, the first school is clearly the one to go for. But DD is extremely happy in the second (feeder) primary.

Is the other school single sex? That would be important for me because I have concerns about mental health in highly academic all-girls schools. But might not be an issue for you. I would look into what happens when they go up to this school - will she be with her friends in class or will they all get split up?

If you send her to your preferred school and she isn’t happy, would it be possible to move her to the other one?

I'd choose the mixed school.

Thanks, this is all helpful.

DD’s choice is all-girls. The children would be split up in both secondaries but would still see a lot of each other during break times and sports.

i had this sort of schooling, and annoyingly despite being a large comprehensive the mean girls and I were mostly in the same classes throughout secondary. they made me hate my secondary, just as i had hated my initial primary (loved my second primary away from them) so my gut reaction would be to prioritise her happiness elsewhere if possible.

If the secondaries are large it's likely that people she wants to avoid will be split up and her friends will equally be split up. In particular I doubt the primary school "mean girls" clique will persist at secondary school, but it's more likely that new toxic cliques will form. And equally the other school will have toxic girl cliques forming.

So I would pick the school you think is best and ignore the friends/enemies issues.

I'd argue the opposite about an all-girls school. My girls are thriving academically in STEM subjects and having an absolutely different experience in those classes than I did in a mixed school.

I would pick the better school which is easier to get to. DS went to our closest school so did all his friends from primary. After 1 year he has a totally different friendship group, so did DD at high school so I wouldn't let that sway you at all.

That is the ideal and I imagine varies depending on the school.

Thanks all.

To know what’s best you would need a crystal ball. Listen to your daughter’s point of view/preference and go with your best instinct based on the information available to you at the time. If it turns out not for the best, moving her is potentially possible if necessary (although again not ideal). All you can do is your best whilst acknowledging you can’t predict the future. Best of luck!

Thanks for all the helpful points of view.