Question about bullying

[DesperatePanda]

If your child was being bullied, but told the teachers they didn’t want them to talk to the bully for fear of making things worse, what would you expect the school to do, if anything?

Secondary.

I was in that situation and I’ve no idea what the right thing should have been. Even as a parent I’m not sure what could be done in a secondary situation if the school doesn’t handle it robustly.

To be honest I think it's a tough one. If they go against the child's wishes they will lose their trust. If the don't then the bullying continues. I think this is one where the parental involvement is important, and discussion of the approach is led by the bullied child's parents.

Thanks for the replies. Yes, it’s really tough. We have suggested they could say a teacher overheard something or saw something, but school have ignored this idea.

What did you end up doing @RudsyFarmer?

I ended up running away from school, so nothing useful.

I’ve often pondered how I’d deal with it if it happened to my child in secondary.

Oh @RudsyFarmer, sorry you went through that…

What would you like the school to do? What are they doing?

presume this must happen a lot so there must be relevant guidance for schools.

As a teacher when this happens I usually do some generic warnings to the class about kindness. Ultimately though there isn't much the teacher can do in this situation, and you really need to encourage your child to let the teachers get involved.

I took my dd out of school and she stayed at home for around four months until she went to a different school, in my opinion bully’s will never admit to what they have done or acknowledge how they make people feel.

Sign your child up for self defence classes.

If the school is aware, then surely they have a duty to say something. It doesn't have to be that the child involved has spoken up, but that we have been made aware of several instances, involving you bullying this child.

@Loopytiles I’d like them to speak to the child concerned, but completely understand why my DD doesn’t want that. They have told DD they would usually sit down with both of them and talk about what’s happening.

@WonderingWanda agreed. I’m a teacher too, but primary usually (SEN at the moment) and I’d talk to the class, which often seems to work, but I doubt it would in Year 9.

@Iwasjustasking we are considering home ed. She’s on the waiting list for another school, but worry it won’t be any better. Hope your DD is OK now.

@LakeTiticaca have thought about self-defence. It’s not physical bullying, but I guess it would give her confidence.

@SD1978 that’s what I was hoping they would do. I’m confused as to why they haven’t to be honest.

Going back a few years now but when I told a teacher I was being bullied it definitely made it worse. The bully's parents didn't support the school to deal with it.

My daughter was bullied by an autistic child and it was dismissed as the child has SEN. My child was crying every day and having nightmares because this child controlled them and stopped others playing with her. I complained repeatedly but all that ever happened was my highly anxious child was expected to tell a teacher every time it happened and the teacher would make a "be kind" comment and that was it. Minutes later the child would be at it again.

On the other hand if the bullies parents are good parents they have power a school doesn't to deal with it. My autistic son can be controlling and has meltdowns. I know he's SEN but I came down with serious consequences and when it transpired he wasn't making a choice he could not help him I pulled him from school. No way will I allow a child of mine to scar another the way bullying scars it's sufferers.

My daughter told me the other day a teacher had made a comment to her that upset her. I questioned her and it turns out she was told to stop messing about waving a stick at another child because it was scaring them- this apparently is a regular game. She's autistic and misread this other kid and misread what the teacher meant telling her she was unkind. I'm kind of upset I wasn't told!! How can I address my child behaviour if the school don't even tell me?!

I absolutely would not agree to school sitting them down together to talk it through. That is a terrible idea! How difficult for your child would that be?! The bully needs telling to stop given consequences and their parents told. If school would do this I'd go with that and see if the bully has parents who would address the behaviour. If the parents turn out to be "my darling child wouldn't do that" I would move school or home educate.

@DesperatePanda it took me a year to finally pull her out as my biggest fear was it would be worse some where else, finally just before the six weeks of the end of year eight, with no other place anywhere, an incident happened where I couldn’t send her there anymore, school had tried to work with us but ultimately I feel they didn’t know what to do. I new the main bullys parents and they didn’t want to know.
There were no school spaces in the whole of my town and that with the fear of it happening again stopped me moving her but my gosh am I glad I did. Yes she tells me the school isn’t academically as good as her old one but she is like a different person, she actually has people that talk to her, invite her out and include her, it’s changed her life and to see my dd happy again is worth all the stress and appeals I went through. When I say it’s changed her life I really do mean it.

@PurpleBugz thanks for sharing. Yes, the child bullying my DD has turned others against her. She doesn’t have any friends, despite being kind and lovely. I know, I didn’t think sitting them down together would be the best idea either…

@Iwasjustasking I’m glad it’s worked out for your DD. I actually think the bully’s mum might be quite horrified. DD was friends with her very briefly when they started in Y7 and went to her house once. She said she thought her mum was quite strict. But she just won’t entertain the idea of her being spoken to.

I think I’ll ask the school again to see if they can say they have been made aware of several instances and see what happens then.

I remember saying this to my Mum, I was about 10 years old, nothing was done.

I'm now early sixties and I still suffer the effects of that bullying.

Do whatever you can to ensure this bullying stops OP.

@Breakingpoint1961 so sorry to hear it still affects you. If only bullies realised what they are doing.