Can you really change or choose who you will be?

[ascogmeet]

I just generally go though life as I am and its mostly ok. I do know people though who put a huge amount of effort into moulding themselves into someone else. A girl I was at university with did this, she was kind of a tom boy though her teens when she suddenly at 19 started leaning into a this very feminine and soft persona she gave up football and getting pissed and started dressing differently and projecting this whole other persona, she seemed to change physically too becoming very pretty, beautiful even. It was like she willed herself to change. I also remember reading about Freddie Mercury, that lots of people said he couldn't sing and didn't have star quality but he willed himself into one of the best rock singers and performers of all time.

Part of me thinks that people don't really change and that who we are always comes out in the end but I wonder if people can actually change themselves dramatically, and become almost someone different?

With enough motivation and determination you can achieve a lot of things, although going from someone who can't carry a tune in a bucket to being a world famous rock star is a bit of a stretch for most people!

Is there something you'd like to change about yourself, and don't know whether to go for it or not?

I think with enough time to yourself (allowing for navel gazing) and money this is definitely possible.

Most of us are busy with work, kids and family, so reinventing myself is so far down the list of possibilities that it's unlikely to happen.

But I do think it's possible. I might reinvent myself at 44 when my youngest turns 18!

Of course you can change, Freddy Mercury probably practised singing a lot and took actions to get him to where he was. The person you talk about who didn't want to play football anymore changed by stopping playing football.

"Becoming beautiful" is something different as you can't change your physical characteristics like your face except I suppose with surgery, but even then you can't just ask a surgeon to make you look like something and then they can, that's impossible.

There's also the question of do you want to change? For example if someone was heterosexual they couldn't suddenly "become" not heterosexual. They could change their behaviour for sure, like men who would marry in the past so that it wouldn't be known that they are gay. But that won't necessarily change how they feel.

Another obvious example is if you want to be with a particular person, you can't just will yourself into dating them because the other person's wants aren't subject to your control.

But can you change the sort of person you appear to be? Definitely. Can that change who you are? If it's something intrinsically changeable, like how much money you earn or which team you support then yes you can change that.

@wowsers6 But she really did, she was young and healthy looking, a bit heavy maybe but her face literally changed as she leaned into this new self, it wasn't surgery perhaps weight loss and make up but she did just seem to physically change along with her personality she was much quieter, more serene and refined and it was quite a dramatic change.

Very interesting thread. I think we are more adaptable than we like to think and most of what makes up who we are is just a series of habits. Change the habits and you can change who you are. I’m going to give this more thought as maybe this is exactly what I need.

I'm going into work tomorrow and manifesting what I want from my meetings. I'm about to lose my last nerve with them so here we go.

Definitely. This is what life coaches do (the good ones) and it's the reason I have no truck with this century's obsession with "authentic self" and "identity".

I do think each of us has a core character. We can train ourselves to be different and, if we do it well, the new behaviours won't feel incongruous. In my experience, adverse life changes such as illness tend to chip those changes away, bringing the original character to the fore: this is why non-using addicts & alcoholics never say they have recovered.

We all change as life goes along, anyway. Each experience teaches us something, adds to our store of knowledge, reveals some new thing about ourselves and our lives, perhaps alters our priorities. Illness, hormones, trauma and age can cause deep changes in us - with your friend at 19, it may well have been her hormonal maturation.

We are never static!

I don't think you can fundamentally change your personality tendencies but you can shift the dial a bit. I'm also a big believer in you are what you do.

I'll never be a natural at public speaking for example but after years of practice and with enough prep I can do a fairly decent job. However it's never easy in the same way doing something which is an inherent strength is.

Where does your personality come from and how?

I think we should all, to some degree, try to change all the time. I don't agree with the 'this is who I am, deal with it' attitude. But there is a difference between self improvement and inherent personality types. @GarlicMaybeNot has expressed it really well above.

There are things that need to be worked on continually, we all have them. I also think fake it til you make it can be a very good mantra. A smile even when you are not in the mood can make all the difference, I'm a big believer in the power of this. You receive back what you radiate out and ultimately you benefit yourself.

There are people that are highly motivated and are very focused on a goal. I think you can be whatever you want if you genuinely want to do it and if you are willing to sacrifice some element of comfort and familiarity to get there.

I also know that some people are motivated by different things. Some might not want to be like a certain person or family member and that becomes a strong enough factor for change. Some are very motivated by their families and doing better by them. Some people change because of health or internal influences.

In general we are creatures of habit so it takes alot to go against the grain.

Yes. Agree.

Went in. Had the meetings. Got what I wanted. Felt guilty for upsetting people but it is what it is.

It is isn't it! I'm wondering about the difference between behaviour and personality, like we can change our behaviours but our core personality, is that immutable?

I don’t think you can ‘will’ yourself to change, but you can make changes.

There used to be a programme called ‘Would like to meet’ which was a dating show. They would take someone and give them new haircuts, clothes, do something to boost their confidence (such as learn to rollerskate etc). The transformations were amazing, and ‘ugly’ people looked amazing.

I’m pretty sure. But I think within certain boundaries you can change up some traits or at least you can choose to emphasis certain traits. It reminds me of self-improvement talk and gratitude - when you focus on being grateful and positive, it shifts your mood. You could argue that a naturally pessimistic person would have a harder time with this than a naturally optimistic one, but I think we can also choose how we behave and therefore shape who we are in that sense.