Child that hits - what did you do?

[bookworm1982]

My four and a half year old is hitting at school. He's done it twice now. He also hits me and his father and brother, when upset or angry. Can you please tell me what methods you used if your child did the same at that age, and did they grow out of it?

Thank you xxx

(Sorry posting in chat for more responses)

I have two dcs and would not tolerate any hitting.
lf mine dared to raise an arm l would grab it and lead them very firmly into their bedroom if at home, (if not, l would take them away from the park / play space/ party and go straight home) and in a low very firm voice say
l will not tolerate you hitting anyone, stay in your room until l return then l expect an apology.
lf it happens again you will lose all tv for a week and go to be early.
And always follow through.

Look at the ABCs

A - Antecedents - what is happening before he hits? Is someone getting too close to him, taking something from him. Work on helping him to develop skills to manage whatever situation he is struggling with. He needs an alternative to hitting and he needs to practice it with you before the tough situation arrives.

B is the Behaviour. Just remember behaviour is communication. He is hitting because it currently achieves something for him.

C - Consequences - what are the consequences of the behaviour. As above the hitting is currently doing the job for him you need to incentivise the new behaviour you want him to perform instead. How you do this depends on how you feel about rewards/punishments. You can either reward the new behaviour when he manages to use it (e.g instead of hitting when someone is too close, you want him to walk away or if someone takes something you want him to say 'stop, I am still playing with that') or you can use punishments - for a young child this needs to be immediately and logical - so if he hits, he loses the right to play with that toy/for 5 minutes and has to sit quietly to think about how he can manage the next situation better - needs to be brief.

You can also add in D for discussion - but young children cannot always describe why they did something, or may not be willing to declare why due to fear of punishment.

I agree with this.

When either of mine hit me, I showed my anger and said with that cross face, "No! We don't hit. You hurt mummy (or whoever they hit)." and made them sit out for a bit. Then we'd talk and work out what went wrong.

They're older now and rarely ever argue with each other apart from the odd sniping, but they came to blows a few months ago over who had 5 minutes more watching videos on YouTube and broke a picture frame. I sent them both to their rooms and then, when they were calmer, I got them to talk and listen to each other, like a bloody peace negotiator, make amends and then club together to buy a new frame.

My eldest dc has ADHD if that makes a difference.

I remove them away from me to calm and then speak with them. However my adult dc, i hit back ( yes its wrong many years ago) they never hit me again though

So as a former us daycare teacher I've relized that talking to and trying to redirect a angry child is rubbish. Often I had children from not ideal home situations. I taught my students that some things were OK to hit to vent anger. They knew big bear was ok and school and pillows at home. We would talk about better ways to express anger later when they calmed down and practice them. After awile they would adapt to the new methods and beat on big bear less

Need to look at what is happening immediately before the hit and work out what effect (for child) the hit has, do they get the toy/snack/adult attention they want, do they get to have time alone in room. Everything kids that age do is communicating a need. They obviously don't know how to self regulate emotionally so need to teach them how to communicate what they do/don't want or need. Is there a speech difficulty so frustrating when they can't express wants/needs. Book 'A volcano in my tummy' is good. (title close to this!