*TW* Not sure what to believe about the accusation of SA

[sadanddistressed]

namechanged

So we have a complicated family situation.
An older female relative has caused masses of hurt and trouble in the family over the years.
Vindictive, lies, bizarre behaviour, gradually getting worse over years and years.
One example, she turned up at the house of another relative and screamed and shouted at her because she had had a dream where this relative stabbed her, and that dream meant that the women had ill intent towards her, and wanted to murder her. I was there, it was unhinged to say the least. The person she was accused had not got a clue what she was going on about, because it was all a DREAM!

I was NC with her, so were my siblings, for the last 25 years or so. She has never met my children or my neices and nephews.
Her sister was NC too.
Her own son went NC about 20 years ago.

She died recently. None of us went to the funeral.

I grew up close to the son, and I am very fond of him, but only see him once a year or so at family things. During the time she was dying/died I had quite a lot of contact giving him some support.
Went round to see him last weekend.

He told me that his mother had accused an older male relative of SA. I don't know when this was supposed to have happened, when she was a child or an adult. Older I think - older teen or adult. She told the male relative (and a number of other people) her accusations when he was in his 70s. He had a stroke the following year and has since died. (some years ago)

I am really torn.
On the one hand, you believe victims.
You never say - oh but he is such a nice man (but he was)
You should accept and believe an accusation as a starting point.

Of course she never took it any further, that would have meant dealing with the authorities of whom she had a pathological dislike.

But she is has now left this stain on his memory, and all the people concerned are dead.
But she was an unreliable witness, and liked to accuse people of things they hadn't done, she also has twisted and untrue memories of events that other family members have very different memories of (including me, and I don't just mean as a child, things that happened when I was an adult) and generally was out to hurt and destroy at every opportunity.
So I think she was lying.
But I don't know.
😟

This sounds really difficult. But the reality is that none of these people are alive anymore. It will not have an impact on your relationships or your children's relationships with either of them.

Easier said than done, but I think you probably need to make peace with this simply being a painful and complicated family situation that is outside of your control. Trauma and dysfunction is often intergenerational. Someone who experienced trauma might very well behave exactly as your family member did without support - they are very often the 'black sheep' of the family - because their behaviour can be erratic and difficult, but also because they are cast in the role of being the 'trouble maker' and it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. People who are abusers are often well-liked and friendly and very often are put on a pedestal by their own families, even when the abuse is an open secret.

So the dynamics you describe are actually very classic in terms of families were sexual abuse has occurred. But the reality is that you'll never know the 'facts' per se. I think you may have to make due with simply accepting that someone who you respected may have done something awful and that your family member was someone who struggled a lot for reasons you probably won't ever fully understand. And you might even feel grateful that you didn't learn any of this until after they died, because it someone 'uncomplicates' it from a practical perspective - you don't have to decide about future relationships or contact with your children, etc. which can be very difficult and cause a lot of anger and resentment and blaming (speaking from experience).

Thank you for replying.
I was aware as I was typing that it was going to sound like that dynamic, which I am aware of. I am not convinced that it is.

All I can say is that this person displayed 'interesting' character points from early childhood, and the person who is supposed to have abused her wasn't around at the time, (which is why I am guessing if it did happen it was later.)
She has always been a self centred and difficult person, with a vicious streak.
Having spoken to other relatives over the years, this was seen at the time by several people. Again, that was before the accused was around.
The rest of the family, including her sister and parents are just nice ordinary every day people. All with healthy emotional relationships and caring families. There isn't a messed up broken family, apart from her, (and her sons who have been badly damaged by her.)

I think that she probably had some mental health stuff from an early age which went undiagnosed. Possible even as severe as schizophrenia, which might fit some of her patterns of behaviour later. She was mid seventies when she died, so much of her life was in an era when mental health wasn't well dealt with. She grew up just after the war and there was a fair amount of stiff upper lip and get on with life. It is sad, because perhaps with help she would have been different. Was that exacerbated by abuse? Or was the abuse a figment of her imagination?

But you are right. I will never know and it doesn't really matter now anyway. It is only my sadness that I can't know one way or the other. They are all dead, and those left are picking up the peices of living in her shadow. Her son has been in contact with his brother for the first time in years and they are tentatively building bridges.

Sadly I can only feel relief that she has gone and can't hurt anyone any more.