I went through a horrendous divorce. Left an abusive, neglectful, narcissistic man and proceeded to go through 3 years of very difficult times where everything was lost to unnecessary legal fees because he, in his own words, would not stop until he destroyed me. I literally left with our two children and personal belongings in black bags. He was mentally and sexually abusive and I had to report him to the police on several occasions. I put up with it for years until he started on the kids, then I found the courage to leave him.
It's been nearly 9 years and I have rebuilt our lives, moved to a new area, built a successful career, bought a house. One child is now an adult, in college, working, other one is doing very well at school.
Here lies the problem. I really struggled throughout the divorce, had not long lost my dad, my ex husband made my mum homeless through his greed, he lied to the kids about his new partner, I was made redundant, trying to figure out how to be strong for my kids and make everything work. My mental health took a nose dive. I still struggle at times and he still manages to twist the knife but on the whole i just get on with it.
My mistake has been that in my weaker moments I have told my eldest child some details about some of the things her father did. She doesn't even know the half of it but she should not know any of it, I should never have told her and no one is more upset than me that I did. She is very much like her dad, a very nasty mouth, very manipulative, very egotistical, nothing ever good enough and paints a picture of grandeur that she expects to land at her feet. Her father has done this and built a new life with his wealthy partner based on lies that he has convinced himself are true.
Now my daughter has spoken to him about all this and he has fed her a load of mistruths and she now believes that I am the scum of the earth. I got very upset and told her that I was wrong to tell her these things but I have not lied and I was a victim of them. He has never really been there for her and has let her down time and time again, always choosing his girlfriend over our children to the point where they did not speak for months on end.
I also confided in her about something very personal and she has told him. He has used this to point out what an awful mother I am (related to my mental health).
This also stems from me referring to his partner and her children (they live together) and her family as his new family, in no way implying that our children are not also a part of that family, my daughter even refers to them as step mum, step brother and sister etc. But because I have referred to them as his family I am awful and have caused his new partners children to miss out on his time and attention. He sees our children for 3 days a month, does not offer to have them for any longer, no parents evenings so any interest in them. I have raised them on my own.
Now my relationship with my daughter is in tatters. She has gone to live with him. She is so rude and disrespectful to me, so so hurtful and she made her brother cry a few days ago with no remorse. She sees no error in her ways and sees fit to belittle me and show no thought or consideration.
I pay her phone bill, have bought her a car, pay for her tax, service plan, saved very hard for her trust fund and have just transferred the £10k I saved to her, I do not ask her for rent as she is a student even though she works, she does nothing to help around the house yet leaves a mess everywhere that she goes. She wanted a rabbit so I got her one and she hasn't bothered for years, she wanted a dog, he's not good enough so she wants another one. We have been on amazing holidays, this year alone we have been to America, Mexico and Spain, all due to me working very hard to provide.
She is also recovering from surgery and we have appointments that she cannot miss every day, so I have no idea what is happening there (he lives an hour away).
She told me that she is going to spend xmas eve, xmas day and boxing day with him (we have an agreement where I have them at xmas and he has new year). I have zero issues with this but we are 4 weeks away and all the plans have been made, there was no discussion, no consideration, just told me and has dismissed our family as they are not good enough for her.
My son has called her selfish and is staying with me, he has had enough of her.
What do I do? What have I done to deserve her leaving? I know I am overly emotional and it gets the better of me but my kids are everything to me, I have even stayed single so that they get my full attention through their teenage years, I figured I would meet someone when they are older.
I know how wrong I was to tell her some of the things that her dad did but no amount of remorse or apology can take it back. I didn't do these things, he did and some were awful and I had to deal with them. I never meant to tell her, I was just weak and never used my best judgement.
Any advice to let me know I am a screw up or otherwise appreciated. I have no one to talk to about this and it's killing me. I feel so betrayed by her xx