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Original poster

Advice needed on DS 18th birthday

9 replies

LovelyAndAmazing · 27/11/2023 20:23

DS turns 18 in a month and he's told us he wants a party at our house like his other friends.

We have had a shocking year with DS, which has included weed-dealing, fighting and school refusal. Things seem to be improving slightly at the moment but it is all very fresh in our memories.

I am really strongly against the idea of a party - not because I want to punish him but because I am worried about the kind of people who might turn up on our doorstep, drug-taking (not just weed) and potential damage to our house, DH thinks we should probably go ahead and hold the party as it's an important birthday and he's also ridiculously laid-back

What do people think? Should we do it? I know that if we say no he'll be really upset and our relationship will worsen again.

If no party what could we offer as an alternative way to celebrate? I'm all for spending a bit so he and his friends can go out and do something fun. I just don't want our house wrecked Confused

OP posts:
Peepshowcreepshow · 27/11/2023 20:33

It's tricky when they are one of the oldest in their year, as unless everyone has fake id that's accepted in places, not all his mates can go out together to a pub/club. Would you want/he accept you and DH hanging out upstairs and they be down only? DD has been to a couple of house parties for 18ths recently where the parents stayed in or came home about 11 (which was just as well at one of them...).

Sunshineismyfavourite · 27/11/2023 20:43

I would say you can have a party BUT we will be upstairs the whole time. Go through a guest list with him and keep to a strict number that you feel comfortable with. Set the boundaries early and if he doesn't like it tough - no party. Your house, your rules. Hide your cocktail cabinet contents too!

afternoontea86 · 27/11/2023 20:50

Don't have any experience with teenagers just yet BUT I have experience of being one! One of my best memories of being a teenager was my 18th birthday. My childhood home had a barn/outhouse and my parents let me host my 18th there. I invited all my friends and told them to bring friends (about 100 did turn up which I dread to think what my parents thought when they saw all these parents dropping off teens at my house). It was an amazing night and I'll definitely never forget it although now I look back there were definitely some dodgy things happening in the background. Only downside was that me and me friends (very hungover) then were made to clean the entire outhouse from top to toe which was not fun but worth it for the night before! I would say let him if he promises that he'll clean everything up and the room will look the same as before. He only turns 18 once! Obviously if there is a risk of some dangerous people turning up then it might be different. Also depends on the size of the room/place hosting and the number of people he wants to attend. Maybe a gazebo in the garden might be better so there's less risk of damage to your home. You and DH could then probably supervise from an upstairs window!

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Original poster
LovelyAndAmazing · 28/11/2023 07:13

Thanks for the replies everyone. We might be leaning towards the party now....!

OP posts:
doubleshotcappuccino · 28/11/2023 07:20

I have three of a similar age and have found a strategy of enthusiastic agreement followed by stealth management and keeping a close eye works well.. also talking about actions being a gateway to more freedom or money seems to be a motivator. I'm not surprised you're worried but it's good to read you are veering toward a yes because in my experience a firm no and pushing them further away from us and it sounds like you've had a year of it already.
Also - go heavy on the carbs for them all at the beginning - hard to get too drunk when your full of pasta or pizza ! The weed part is a worry of course, but, and I know it's not popular on MN to say, but I do use a lot of bribery or what I would call intentional negotiation - if you want that you will have to do this - it's quick and effective

DreamItDoIt · 28/11/2023 07:38

I would say you have decided to do it but there are some things you need to agree on.

Do you have some family friends you can invite around? Having a few other adults in the background sounds good idea. Can you keep the party away from your house? Small marquee in the garden? Agree with PP lots of carbs and beer/cuder, no spirits. Anyone caught with drugs is out.

SandyWaves · 28/11/2023 16:24

There's no way I would be having a party at home given the drug concerns.

Can you hire a cheap room somewhere?

Rainallnight · 28/11/2023 17:05

SandyWaves · 28/11/2023 16:24

There's no way I would be having a party at home given the drug concerns.

Can you hire a cheap room somewhere?

Yeah I was going to suggest a room. Then he gets to host but spares your house

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