Feel really bad....Xmas

[twiddlingthumbs69]

NC for this.
Background: sister is an alcoholic and makes a point of ruining everyone's Xmas every year. In fact, she's told us she sets out to do this.
Mum is on her own but DH and I really felt that this year, just for once, we would stay at home, just the two of us.
We are taking mum out for lunch on Xmas eve and she seemed happy enough to be alone xmas day.
Doesn't want to come to us as it's sisters birthday and she 'might' be sober. She never has in 45 years!
So, mum has suddenly now said, why aren't we going to her Xmas day if we're on our own.
She guesses my reasons but if I tell her she will get defensive of sister and it'll cause an argument.
Now I'm feeling dreadfully guilty.
Do I leave her sitting alone xmas day? (As was the plan) or, go up there to alleviate the guilt?
Have yet another awful Xmas. (Sister is aggressive and violent) and regret it.
I really don't know. I'm so torn by this.

You stand firm. You do not want to spend it with your sister end of

If your mother wants to engage with your abusive sister on Christmas day that's her choice. It's perfectly reasonable to point out that the consequences of that are that you won't go to her house.

Could you suggest she goes round your sisters?

Very true. It still doesn't alleviate the guilt of leaving an old lady on her own on Xmas day when we're 20 miles away

Your mum has made her choice - she wants to spend it with your sister on the off chance she will be sober.

Thats fine, but your choice to stay away and spend a peaceful Christmas with your family is just as valid.

@cakesque my sister gets in such an awful state that I don't think mum would want to. She usually walks round to mums, creates havoc, shouts and threatens violence then goes home again. Then comes back 20 mins later having completely forgotten she's been there

”We want to be in our own house this year Mum, you’re more than welcome to come, you could stay over on Christmas Eve, arrive on the day or I can collect you at x time on Christmas Day.
I know you might see Julie, that’s fine, if she’s around, great, the offer stands to come and collect you last minute though if she’s not. I know you’ll understand why we can’t have her in our home on such a special day but we’d welcome you and be so happy to spend the day with you if that’s what you choose.”

She won't be alone. She'll have her other daughter there. Not your fault she is an alcoholic.

My mum did this to me for years. Sister isn't an alcoholic but personality disorder and ruins Christmas every year with making it all about herself and latest drama.

Mum wanted me there to shield her from sister. I stopped doing it in the end. Just stop. Your mum can deal with her daughter - if she wants to spend it with a violent alcoholic then let her.

@Goodornot did you tell your mum why you weren't prepared to do it anymore? How did she react? Did she lash out at you or did she understand?

So, mum has suddenly now said, why aren't we going to her Xmas day if we're on our own.

I’m not sure who the ‘we’ is here?

You and your DH are staying at home? Surely your mum can do what she wants!

She ranges from sadness to shouting to pleading to using my niece as guilt fodder. I usually get drawn in but now I just leave. I've spent it with a friend up north before, spent the day alone in church and an open Starbucks.

I don't give a shit since realising no one worries what's best for me.

Now mum is dying and in a hospice. Never again will she force me to spend Xmas with her eldest.

Stick to what you already said. Have a calm and relaxed Christmas with your DH. Switch your phones when you have lunch with your DM and don’t turn them on until Boxing Day. Unless any of DH’s family are ill or vulnerable and need to contact him of course.

And yes of told her every year why I don't want to spend it with sister...she didn't care as long as mum got what she wanted

@Goodornot it causes so much destruction within families, whether it's alcohol/drugs or mental health and it's usually the ones who try to help get the brunt of it

I just get incensed at any adult telling another where they're going to spend Christmas.

My mum and yours knows it will be a shit Christmas. She doesn't want to be alone with your sister and nor did mine. Equally she doesn't want her drunk daughter to be alone at Christmas and my mum didnt want my sister alone either. So her solution is to spend it with her and guilt trip you in to going to "protect" her from the nasty sister and make it bearable. That's what my mum did for years.

Hell no. If your mum wants to spend her Christmas with a violent drunk then that is what she is going to do, alone. That is her choice. She can't expect anyone else to put up with it.

Seriously when you spend the Christmas with just DH you'll wonder why you didn't do it years ago.

@Goodornot thank you! That's exactly it! Your so right. I'm going to try really really hard not to give in to her.
It's one day in the year FFS! It's also a big birthday for me Boxing Day. Going to a Spa so I really don't want a load of crap cluttering up my brain, which there would be if I give in.
Hope you have a lovely Xmas xx

I’d offer for her to come to yours for Christmas Eve and stay over, spend Christmas morning with you and then drop her back or she drives herself back partway through Christmas Day to spend time with your sister.
If she doesn’t want to do that then you can just say you’d already agreed to do something with her Christmas Eve and that you were planning on being at home on Christmas Day.

I’d be honest. “You’re welcome to come to ours but we’re not coming to you in case sister comes around drunk again”.

Make it clear that you’re not willing to put up with verbal aggression, even if she is.

Could you (do you want to) offer her to come to you? Would she do it without trying to invite your sister too? I might drop in during the morning to exchange presents/have coffee and mince pies then make a swift exit before drunk sister appears.

@Cherrysoup I have offered but she won't come. She feels she needs to be there for my sister as it's her birthday as well. Chances are, sister would turn up at all or, if she does, she'll be in a drunken state but that's the choice mum has made

Then let her crack on. You've offered and she's made her choice.

So your sisters birthday is on Christmas day. Fine your mum chooses to want to be around for her but you don't need to be.