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There's always that one mum...?

25 replies

Berlioze · 27/11/2023 16:38

I'm in a number of mum social groups. Another mum with whom I was initially close but over time we've drifted apart is also in them. She rarely, if ever, makes an effort to meet up with the rest of us despite always knowing what's going on. So most of the mums aren't very close with her either. This is particularly true in one of the groups, in the other group she tends to make more effort but I'll explain why.

She is always negative about things, starting off with things to do with the kids, schooling, nurseries, money, you name it. She has a major status complex because she's from a poor background, but objectively did pretty ok for herself and I think if anything, she should be proud. No university education in the family and she is seeing herself as lower to the rest of us though which sometimes results in her being pretty snappy. Again, it's not anyone's fault that she has a complex - all groups are very welcoming and include a mix of mums.

Her contributions in the groups are often stirring the pot (cue Daily Mail type unjustified rage at issues that based on what she says, she doesn't quite understand), or confusing others because she didn't bother to read the messages in full.

Most annoyingly, she chips in with neither here nor there comments on issues that are not relevant to her or her DC. She commented on our friends' school choices (in a different location) and moaned about her DCs' school (I know the teachers in that school and what she said isn't true). Another example of her feeling inferior and there really is no reason for it.

She comments on kids events other mums attend even though she can't make them. She sometimes comes across as if she was desperately clinging on to some other mums because she thinks she can get something out of them. I know from spending a lot of time with her previously that she only makes time for people if it's of interest to her - ie if they can help her somehow. However, some people see through it by now as her and her partner have mastered the skill of playing the system (they pay less taxed than they need to, got help and various freebies fraudulently etc.). I don't want to be associated with her as we don't share the same values and I've removed myself from her close social circle a long time ago, but her presence in these groups and her constant social climbing attitude and stupid or negative comments are really wearing.

What can I do? Shall I keep ignoring her constant comments? I can't do much else, can I? There are multiple group admins, but I'd never ask anyone to cut her out or remove her myself, however tempting it might be as it's been a long time. I don't have time for this tbh but really would like to remain friends with the other mums, so I can't remove myself either.

OP posts:
HamsterBanana · 27/11/2023 16:40

Just ignore her surely?

Berlioze · 27/11/2023 16:42

I have, for 3 years now...I just don't want to be in touch with her at all tbh.

OP posts:
DeadChinaDoll · 27/11/2023 16:42

It sounds like you have a crush on her, OP.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Berlioze · 27/11/2023 16:43

DeadChinaDoll · 27/11/2023 16:42

It sounds like you have a crush on her, OP.

🤣 MN finest!

OP posts:
LoreleiG · 27/11/2023 16:47

Just mute the groups. Make another with some friends you want to chat to.

Restinggoddess · 27/11/2023 16:47

Some people in life are radiators and some people are drains.
The drains love the drama and the negativity- just don’t feed it. See the other mums and just don’t give any nod/ hum/ smile at any shite this mum spreads - have some ready made answers eg ‘x us mad to put their DC in that school’ put your head in one side and say ‘really’ but not as a question

Enjoy the drama - there is always one like this

Shivermetimbersmearty · 27/11/2023 16:48

The way you describe her behaviour is quite contradictory. On the one hand you say she never takes part and barely knows anyone, but on the other she is a clingy, desperate social climber?

It sounds like you just don’t like her and so hate everything she does/says.

also sounds like you think she’s a bit of a chav.

all of these things might be true, but I’m not sure what the problem is.

We’re always going to find ourselves having to mix with people we don’t like at one time of another. That’s just life!

Venomous · 27/11/2023 16:53

Honestly, I don’t see what it has to do with you, OP. You’re no longer friends with her. Surely you can just ignore her messages on group chats? Or, if you can’t manage that, mute the groups?

Berlioze · 27/11/2023 16:53

Shivermetimbersmearty · 27/11/2023 16:48

The way you describe her behaviour is quite contradictory. On the one hand you say she never takes part and barely knows anyone, but on the other she is a clingy, desperate social climber?

It sounds like you just don’t like her and so hate everything she does/says.

also sounds like you think she’s a bit of a chav.

all of these things might be true, but I’m not sure what the problem is.

We’re always going to find ourselves having to mix with people we don’t like at one time of another. That’s just life!

You're not wrong, she ignores one group's social events because they live in an area that she considers less posh than the other group, she leeched on to the other group (and the other group has less frequent catch ups in person, so less of an opportunity for her to participate, I guess. She's very active on that WhatsApp group though).

I don't like her, no. I saw through her and I don't want to spend more time reading her nonsense ideally, but don't know how to go about it. I've been shut up about it for a while but it's not getting any less draining! She has zero self awareness about it.

OP posts:
Berlioze · 27/11/2023 16:55

She posts 4-5 times a day, every day. I think I will mute them not to read her negative narrative and then only read other mums' messages in the evening.

OP posts:
funbags3 · 27/11/2023 17:04

There really isn't much you can do apart from what you're doing. The other mums can make up their minds. Just try and skim her comments, if you can.

StockpotSoup · 27/11/2023 17:33

Berlioze · 27/11/2023 16:55

She posts 4-5 times a day, every day. I think I will mute them not to read her negative narrative and then only read other mums' messages in the evening.

This is a good idea. It will be easier to cope with her nonsense if you can scroll past it all in one go rather than getting a ping every time she posts.

ManyATrueWord · 27/11/2023 18:15

Block her. Then you won't see anything she says. It makes life so peaceful

icallitasplodge · 27/11/2023 18:18

I know people like this and you fell for it in the first place. Question your own choices and judgements about people, ignore her and look a bit closer next time. I’m sure this act only works on the people who are unable to see it and that was you once too…

icallitasplodge · 27/11/2023 18:22

(I know the teachers in that school and what she said isn't true)

also, you cannot possibly know all the things.

Maddy70 · 27/11/2023 18:40

You just sent like her so mute or block her and give her no more thought

AutumnNamechange · 27/11/2023 20:34

I feel your pain OP, there is a mum like this in many of the whatsapp groups I am in. I don't know why but I had a visceral reaction to her - as do many others, but some people are able to just roll their eyes and go about their day. One thing I did that helped take the sting out of things weirdly was I changed her name in my contacts from her name to 'Daves Mum' and now I have joined the ranks of the eye rollers and her messages no longer bother me - I guess mentally I have relegated her to random mum status rather than an obnoxious person in her own right.

Agree with the PP - some people are drains and others are radiators and you need firm boundaries in place with the drains!

AutumnNamechange · 27/11/2023 20:36

ManyATrueWord · 27/11/2023 18:15

Block her. Then you won't see anything she says. It makes life so peaceful

Sadly on whatsapp if you block someone you'll still see their group messages..

Berlioze · 27/11/2023 20:52

AutumnNamechange · 27/11/2023 20:36

Sadly on whatsapp if you block someone you'll still see their group messages..

Is this really the case? I've never done this before.

In any event, I'd be worried someone would reply to her message and I wouldn't have a clue what they're talking about if blocking actually worked.

I really don't want her in my social circles anymore, that's really the point. I don't want her bad attitude and negativity daily. We're not on the same wavelength and her messages are really grating on me. I have no idea how I could achieve this though.

OP posts:
StockpotSoup · 27/11/2023 21:11

Is this really the case? I've never done this before.

Yes.

Venomous · 27/11/2023 21:39

You have no ability to expel her from your social circles, or to compel others to share your opinion of her. If her presence is bothering you that much, and you can’t bring yourself to ignore her, all you can do is leave the groups and stop socialising with them.

Whiskerson · 27/11/2023 21:48

This all sounds very WhatsApp based. What about giving the groups a rest and meeting up with some of the others without her? You then might find yourself messaging a smaller group based on the outings/playdates/coffees you've had together. I don't see why all these women have to come as a set!

BethDuttonsTwin · 27/11/2023 21:55

Venomous · 27/11/2023 21:39

You have no ability to expel her from your social circles, or to compel others to share your opinion of her. If her presence is bothering you that much, and you can’t bring yourself to ignore her, all you can do is leave the groups and stop socialising with them.

This! Honestly you sound a bit obsessive about her.

Berlioze · 29/11/2023 22:26

I'm annoyed with her not obsessed with her. How can you say I'm obsessed if all I said is that I want her out of my social circle, honestly the mind boggles 🤣🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Alohapotato · 29/11/2023 22:45

why are you so obsessed with her? just ignore her...

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